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During the course of my relationship with my ex, my mental health took a turn for the worse and I found myself struggling to even hold down a conversation with friends and family. I originally attributed it to the medication that I was taking. Now, I know that my deteriorating mental health was down to the stress of the relationship I was in and the pressure of constantly trying to please my ex.
As a result of my poor mental health, I found it really difficult to do things that I normally enjoyed (like reading and listening to podcasts). I also found it difficult to do any research for my university course. He would always tell me that I was too unwell to do it at that point in time and, if I was working on it, he would always tell me what he thought about what I was reading/researching. Because I believed him to be more intelligent than I was, I listened to him and my confidence was knocked while I was trying to reconcile my (years of) experience compared to his (uninformed) opinion.
I’ve not been out of the relationship long and I’ve already found myself beginning to have more of a bounce in my step. I’ve started reading voraciously again, I’ve started listening to my favourite podcasts and I’m tearing through my research. I’m genuinely getting excited about doing these things, not apprehensive, because I know that I’m not going to have my thoughts and opinions about them questioned and undermined.
I now know that his need to undermine my opinion stems from his own lack of confidence in his own intelligence and his need to prove his superiority. I can’t believe I listened to him when I’ve spent years studying and researching into the areas I’m researching into.
It’s so liberating to be able to recognise this about him and our relationship. Plus, I can’t even express how incredible it feels to have my interests back again! I could run around in excited, little circles!
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I started a post recently about how our headspace shrinks when we are with an abuser. All our headspace is taken up trying to cope with a monster. It’s hard to explain to people who haven’t experinced it but like you I’ve done so much since I got rid of him. My head space is opening up. I can breathe again. I can rationalise things and my life goes from one positive moment to another. Not one negative moment to another. Enjoy enjoy enjoy. Oh what adventures we can have when we are free, I feel like I’ve been given a second chance x
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I know what you mean about the headspace KIP! I found myself walking around in a fog, a stupor, it was like I had shut down. I think now this was my mind’s way of protecting me because to look at the situation for what it was would have been just too painful. I then found myself getting exhausted from too much thinking, after I was free of him.
Until fairly recently, I felt I was either ‘on’ (thinking, analysing, remembering, piecing together, having ah-ha moment after ah-ah moment) or ‘off’ (shut down, mooching through Pinterest or YouTube, zoning out, doing online ‘window’ shopping); I am getting more times where I am just ‘being’ in the moment; noticing the birds outside while I do the washing up for example without thinking nor zoning out. I think this is ‘me’.
Funny, work doesn’t fall into this category. My ‘work’ mind has been free; I enjoy my job and can focus on tasks to completion. But when home by myself I struggle to start anything. I wander around the house and I’ll pick up this or that, start to read – but never for long. I want to de-clutter but get half way through a box and it’s like I’m wading through treacle. I don’t know what to do with it all… all the bits of detritus (receipts, pictures, shells from that holiday…) that accumulates from a decades-long relationship. Sometimes I want to get a rubbish skip and just push the whole house-load of stuff into it. Start from scratch. But it all seems so overwhelming; and full of guilt. Yes, another ah-ha moment! Guilt of wanting to write him out of my story, of ‘what if he wants this stuff’?
Sorry, if I’ve gone off on a tangent… I start writing and it all just comes out…
AirBlue – I know what you mean about the bounce in your step too. With me, I felt like I could stand taller. I felt like I had been stooped over for so long and finally, without this weight on my shoulders I could stand up straight!
iwillbeok x
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iwillbeok, your comment about wandering around in a fog sounds exactly what I was going through. I knew in my gut that something wasn’t right, but I didn’t want to think about it because it seemed like this huge thing that I would have to deal with. And I just didn’t want to face up to it.
I’m sorry that you’re still finding things at home hard. I hope that you find some peace there soon.
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It is such a nice and positive post 🙂 I am glad your research is back on track.
I think I am starting to feel similar. Getting my interests back. Getting interest into my studies and enjoying the lectures. It’s like I finally stopped fighting and being unable to make a decision what to do with my life. once I cut the relationship, I started to feel that I can get somewhere with my life. Don’t have a long term plan yet but at least want to do well with my studies and enjoy them.
And sometimes when I walk on the street. I remember how he used to complain that I can’t walk (I wish I could hug that girl, because at that time I really thought I was doing something wrong and everything was my fault and I could not even walk right while around him!!) or I walk too proudly or too something. Or if i walk a step in front of him, he would get annoyed. So after remembering that, I straighten my back, put a smile on my face and carry on with my ‘PROUD WALK’ down the street. Or sometimes I just stop to look around and smell the air. (and now it smells of spring). And I feel hopeful and free. 🙂 -
I like your post very much!
I feel so encouraged by it, because I still struggle to read books.
I read loads of books and researched en masse.
At some point I deteriorated so badly that I was unable to even read a newspaper.
I am slowly beginning to read books again and I have sluggish attempts to research again.
I am still slowed down drastically though.I see it as a huge achievement that I am now able to stay on top of all my bills and I gain control over my spending.
It has been a few years already … -
Thank you both for your lovely comments. It’s lovely to experience those little positive moments and I’m trying to savour them as much as I can whenever they appear to help get me through the tough times.
Anabela, I’m so glad that you’re getting back into your research. I hope that it’s all going well for you. I’m also glad that you are walking with pride. You absolutely deserve to. Ignore what he ever said to you: there is nothing wrong with the way you walk. You continue to hold your head up!
Ayanna, it will come back gradually. All I can say is try not to force it and take pride in every little achievement that you make.
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