22nd October 2020 at 11:06 am #115510
So I’ve been back and forth with my abuser. He has always had a tendency to call me a sl*g, a w***e, etc. I suspect because of his ex’s treatment of him, his lack of trust, whatever. It has been his default setting from Day 1. The smallest thing was turned into me being a snake and a w***e.
Over time i began to retaliate. When he used other women to rub in my face and goad me about what he had done, initially I took the high road and didn’t respond. After a while, it went on and I started to fire back. Not because my sex life is / was any of his business, but because I hoped that me doing the same would shut him up and shock him into realising you can’t do locker room talk with a woman.
Rather than him thinking “I should stop now” he upped the ante and so the disclosures became more t****y and brutal. “My ex was fitter than you. She had a tighter p***y” etc. The kind of thing you never want to hear.
This has gone on and on for nearly a year. To be clear, never in my life have I endured such awful put-downs and t*t for tat from a person claiming to “love” me.
Recently he started on his “You’re a w***e” routine over one of my disclosures to him which his ego can’t get over.
I ended up crying and disclosing to him stuff about my childhood, which I hoped would show him why his “words” which to him were “just words” were crucifyingly cruel to hear and brought absolute shame into my world.
He hung his head and seemed to absorb it. Went very quiet.
But then, I felt this coldness come over me, like I was waiting for him to start using the disclosure against me. My brain was saying “it will only be a matter of days and he will throw it in my face or say something deeply cruel regardless..”
I pre-empted this. I said “(Removed by moderator)”
I didn’t need to wait a couple of days. He decided that this statement was enough to put him in the victim frame again. He looked at me. “(removed by moderator)”
Literally, me showing concern and regret at telling him, triggered his ego response of “(removed by moderator)”. And so the onslaught began. I said “Detail removed by moderator)”
“(removed by moderator)”
I tried to say “(removed by moderator) ”
No, he just went in. Calling me names again. When I lost it completely, (by this point seeing I had been right all along and this guy has zero empathy whatsoever) he started saying “(removed by moderator)” etc.
Cue a massive fight and I called the police.
He left. He wasn’t arrested, but then I got the barrage of calls. Finally the next day he caught up with me (removed by moderator). He had been watching the house to see what was going on and if my parents had stayed.
He begged me to know what was happening. (removed by moderator).
But after that, radio silence. He usually calls 100 times a day. Bombards. I asked for space. He said he was “(removed by moderator)”.
His prickly response was immediate. “(removed by moderator)”
(detail removed by moderator)
Nothing soft or loving.
I said “Bye X”. Blocked him.
Loads of calls until gone midnight.
I’m just wondering. I have been reading Lundy Bancroft and it says that any abuser’s remorse is very short lived and very often, they will find ways to turn things around so that any argument or issue is your fault.
The fact that I had to call the police because he wouldn’t leave and climbs in my broken window – irrelevant. He only did it “to show you I care”.
Name calling me within (removed by moderator)minutes of making a disclosure? He was “(removed by moderator).”
Now being brittle and cold. What is that turn of personality about? Is this a firm of discard? I have shown weakness and now he wants to be the one to discard me? By being cool, quiet, keeping distance? I am starting to think that he now despises me for being weak. He said “(detail removed by moderator).”
It’s almost like I’m tainted goods in his mind.
He even said “(removed by moderator)…”
Do you think??!! (removed by moderator)?
Can anyone shed any light on what is going on there, to make him turn so cruel so suddenly? This is hurting more than all the previous insults I have ever endured. This is like he is judging my soul and going “you’re defective. What did I see in you?”
22nd October 2020 at 1:49 pm #115519IsitmymindanymoreParticipant
I am new here and I may not be able to answer your questions but I can certainly relate to what you are experiencing.
I too experienced similar interactions. My past was used against me many a time. Things I’d told him in confidence thrown right back at me but I never did the same to him. I believe they try to gain your trust and faith in them only to use it as ammo. The initial remorse is to bring you back in only to give another verbal bashing. The up and down becomes addictive. I believe him distancing himself and appearing concerned, understanding, radio silence etc is a way to draw you back in, maybe it makes them feel wanted, im not sure. Nonsensical arguments go round and round and i believe this is to keep attention and focus on them.
I use to engage in it all but the only place in got me was lost in his perspective and his issues. The last incident was my last. No contact really does give you that freedom.
I hope there was some help in there x*x
26th October 2020 at 7:49 pm #115679
@isitmymindanymore Did you need police or did no contact do it? He has entered my home through a variety of means repeatedly. This isn’t normal. I’m having my window fixed tomorrow but he seems to find a new way each time. Why is he not taking no for an answer? How long did you go no contact? X
22nd October 2020 at 5:21 pm #115525gettingtiredParticipant
Hi I have had the same type of thing thrown back in my face. I don’t disclose anything I think will be used as ammo now if I can help it. It’s a horrible station to be in isnt it x
23rd October 2020 at 5:51 am #115533KIP.Participant
When you try to work out why he’s so cruel, remember this fable.
A scorpion was trying to cross a river. He asked several animals to help him who all refused. Then he saw a lovely graceful swan and asked her to help by carrying him across the river on her back. Oh no she said, you will sting me. To which the scorpion replied I promise I won’t, I wouldn’t do that to such a lovely swan like you. So she allows him on her back and she carried him across. As soon as she was on the other side and on the riverbank, he stung her deeply and painfully. The swan was in agony and anguished she asked him why he would sting her when she helped him. To which he replied ‘I’m a scorpion, it’s what I do’.
So try to remember, he’s an abuser, it’s what he does.
26th October 2020 at 7:46 pm #115678
I know that fable. Funnily enough my mother used it in the same context.
(detail removed by Moderator), he got absolutely wasted while I was awaiting the return of my son and making food. I mean he tanked half a bottle of (detail removed by Moderator) followed by (detail removed by Moderator). As he said today (blame shifting) “(detail removed by Moderator)”
He passes out. I go up (detail removed by Moderator) hours later to wake him, being affectionate. I get told to “(detail removed by Moderator)” etc. When I pulled the bedclothes off him and asked him to leave ( as he was by this time sounding compos mentis) he jumps up, grabs me by the neck and proceeds to throw me around the room by my neck, pinning me on the bed and threatening to finish me. All while my son was nearby.
Proceeded to say “(detail removed by Moderator)” and “(detail removed by Moderator)” so sexually putting me down in the bargain.
Today he couldn’t remember anything but challenged my version of events anyway, calling me the abuser, saying “(detail removed by Moderator)” and blaming me and “(detail removed by Moderator)” etc.
When I got him out (detail removed by Moderator), he came round (detail removed by Moderator) asking to talk and charge his phone. He has (detail removed by Moderator) that barely charges. He is broke and jobless so can’t afford a new phone or charger. I told him no. Went upstairs. He lets himself in through my (detail removed by Moderator) that was opened by him.
He leaves doors and windows open to climb through.
I asked him to leave and he does so amid a stream of “(detail removed by Moderator)”
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY??
He keeps saying “(detail removed by Moderator)” but he has smoked w**d since he was (detail removed by Moderator) and had these issues with his ex. She took him to court.
Why is he still blaming me?
Social Services have been alerted again because of the police. I am scared to death. He won’t leave me alone and I am scared about having him arrested or getting a restraining order.
What will make him leave me alone?
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