Regret

[Ayla Doni]

All of a sudden I’m feeling pangs of regret at losing this relationship, am having to shake myself back to reality. It wasn’t real, the man I loved didn’t exist, it was all an act, fake, he pretended to be someone he wasn’t, I loved the mask not the person that wore it. He showed his true self, the monster. I’m not ready to deal with the grief yet, it’s too soon, my life isn’t stable yet, can’t allow myself to crumble.

[lover of no contact]

Welcome Ayla,

Its a horrible realisation isn’t it. But how could we have known. We aren’t wired like that. We don’t wear masks. What you see is what you get with us. Abuser-kind are different to us. That’s how they dupe us. That’s where their initial power over us comes from. We are different. We are kind, honest and have empathy. If we are dishonest (as we can be), or are impatient, or irritable or unkind, we feel bad. We have a conscience. Abuser’s don’t.

Keep reading the posts and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Awareness is shocking and painful. But it gets easier and with time may come acceptance. Go at your own pace.

I loved the mask too, not the person who wore it. But I was deceived as my abuser (ex-husband) was a master manipulator. A first-class actor. But at least eventually I saw through the mask and moved from denial to reality.

[Ayla Doni]

Thank you. You’re so right, put into words what I’m still realising. I’m baffled at how can someone who thinks in such an alien way can deceive me/others so well. Yes, manipulator, so very good at it. Thank you so much for your response. What a journey, what a lesson!

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Ayla,
I am also on this journey having left more than several weeks ago. It is so hard to let go of the fantasy and to acknowledge that the man you thought you loved doesn’t exist. I was told by a friend to give myself time to grieve and I have allowed myself to cry and to feel the pain of losing the fantasy. It felt real at the time and I genuinely loved him for a long period of time.

Lover of no contact’s post is excellent and contains so much truth. I still find it bewildering that my ex could stand in front of me and tell me outrageous lies that we both knew were lies. I have also struggled with some of his cruelty – how could someone who said he loved me do those things? The truth for me is/was that he was incapable of love – something he used to accuse me of. So it is not about us. It is about them. We were victims and what we need to learn now is how to deal with the effects and how to prevent ourselves from being abused again.

[KIP.]

Google Gaslighting and trauma bonding x

[Fuzzyfelt]

I’m here too , it’s hell and I can’t bare it

[Author]

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