Regrets

[Stillherebutnotme]

It’s been almost (detail removed by Moderator) since my ex was arrested and I’m already thinking over everything in my head and picking apart my own behaviour. I know I wasn’t perfect, I’m not the person I was before I met him. He made me feel crazy and irrational, incompetent, over emotional, fat stupid and lazy.
I can’t stop thinking that if it wasn’t true, he wouldn’t have said it. Maybe a lot of the fault does lie with me. Maybe I did push him too far? I always knew he had a temper and I should have just backed down. He told me if I wanted to feel attractive I should be attractive but I was too busy trying to get through the day without doing something to make him angry that i wasn’t making an effort like I used to before I had the baby.

I miss him. I don’t miss the situation we were in, or how he could make me feel. The constant mood swings and yelling. The banging doors, punching walls, throwing things, fists raised, car speeding off, accusations of cheating, being woke up through the night or not allowed to go to sleep until he had said his bit, arguments going on for days and being brought up again over and over months and years later. Constantly being screamed at about dinner being ready too early, now it’s gone cold. Dinner ready too late, he’s in a rush and now he won’t have time to eat. Dinner’s ready on time but he’s drinking so it sits out all night then into the bin. Everything I did was a deliberate plan to upset him. I should have known what he needed me to do without him saying. If I forget something then he will remind me of every other thing I’ve ever forgotten because he never forgets. The threats when I was pregnant that if the baby wasn’t his he would hurt me. The threats to hurt me if I dared to disagree with him. Then when he actually hurt me but it’s always been my fault because I didn’t understand him. Driving like a maniac to scare me. Telling me to shut up then getting angry that I don’t talk. Being put on medication (detail removed by Moderator) because he terrorised me so badly one night I was having flashbacks and panic attacks and crying in work. He would scream at me until I vomited. He would mock me when I cried. Make jokes and put on voices. Insult my son, my family, my friends. I’ve cut out so many people because he didn’t like them.

And still all I want is for this mess to go away and to have him back. W*f is wrong with me? I know if I hadn’t rang the police I was going to get hurt worse than I did but I wish I hadn’t. For every awful memory there’s one where he made me feel loved and safe and promised to look after us and all these things we were going to do, places to go. The family we were going to have. And now it’s all gone.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry this has happened to you , you are none of these names that your ex has called you , it’s to make you lose confidence in yourself and he has full control , power over you , he wants you to believe in these things so you are dependent on him . You must as hard as it is think to yourself I done the right thing in going to the police , for you and your family . I too was like you , especially in the early part when we had split up , it’s called trauma bonding, you can Google this , also cycles of abuse , which explains all the aspects you are describing. What you are feeling is all perfectly normal as you have feelings , your mourning the loss of a relationship, even though he treated you as bad as he did , your thinking of the what could of been ? It’s all very sad I know as we love with our heart and don’t deserve the treatment we get , we can’t win , whatever way we play it , unfortunately we are always in the wrong with them . Try and focus on yourself, your family , maybe arrange an appointment with your GP to get counselling, victim support should help and police should have a specialist domestic abuse team or officer who can assist x

[longjourneylife]

Wow, you’ve articulated that so well, you are so brave and truly wonderful. I’m glad I’ve read your post, for my own sake! Thank you for sharing, it’s painful and honest and despite how you feel now, you till know you’ve done the right thing. Xhugsx

[Author]

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