Regrets

[Ayanna]

I was so broken from the abuse that I was unable to think of self defense of any kind.

(detail removed by Moderator)

I should have taken everything that was not screwed to the walls and floors out of the marital home and not have left him anything.
I should have left papers taped to the windows with the writing: Here lives a woman who survived attempted murder by her husband.
I should have gone to the housing office and sat there and refused to leave until they gave me a new accommodation, if that meant hunger strike then this is what I should have done.
I should have rang social services every day and told them how scared I was.
I should have screamed every night when fear took over and not cared s**t about the neighbours, because they never helped me, they looked away all these years.
I should not have left that marital home.
I should have yelled: I am so scared, I fear for my life, I need a safe home, every day.
I should have never have given in to anything.

But I was so broken.

[Anonymous]

Ayanna
Don’t punish your self it was not your fault hun .i blame myself for staying longer than I should of .but he screwed my head up so so much

Ayanna keep fighting and stay strong xx

[Ayanna]

I am upset that I was so broken that I never thought of taking the p**s for real.

All these people who get paid to help and treated me worse than dog s**t, I should have stood up to them.
Instead I was so quiet and withdrawn and gave up when they fobbed me off and fought all alone.

I hate what has happened to me!
I hate that I lost my home!
I miss the area where I lived!
And this (detail removed by Moderator) lives there on state benefits for free!

I just cannot accept the b******t that has happened to me!

I was punished for not liking to be raped and beaten to mush!

I find it so difficult to come to terms with the injustice that I had suffered.

[Serenity]

Ayanna, I was angry with myself for the same reason.

Post-separation, I have found that the times that I have felt most low are when I feel powerless, when he is trying to encroach on my space again, or when he’s getting away with things.

When I begin to fight back, I feel empowered and strong. I’m not a naturally combative person, but as far as he is concerned, I am done with the victim response to him and I will stand up to him and fight his lies every inch of the way.

I can’t change the fact that he conned me all thise years, but I can respond to any present threats; and I can feel empowered against abuse by helping others going through the same and fighting abuse in the hear and now, if not just to remind myself that I have strength!

We cannot change the past, Ayanna. We can only use it to empower ourselves and others in the present. I hope you can find a way to help you feel empowered and strong in the here and now.

[Jupiter]

Hi Ayanna

I agree with the ladies here—you are not to blame as you are the innocent strong one.Remember the truth of STRONG.

We are all re building our lives to make a sturdy, robust and beautiful temple for ourselves and we can choose who we let in or keep out.We have the building blocks to make this architecture.However, our abusers are not like us:they lack the building materials, the insights and the emotional intelligence to do this.Abusers can only exist among their big pile of rubble.We are trainee architects looking to the future.
Jupiter x

[Confused123]

Hi hUn

None of this was your fault, yoru received abuse to a high level like me , it does make u switch off, i did the same myself , yes i lost out on loads too, i wish i could have the house i lived in, but then i remiond myself daily it would of cost me my life, you too have had to give up so much and i know u didnt receive the support u needed, hold onto the fact that you are alive and each day try and rebuild yourself , it is hard, but dont let him win , u have got this far

[Author]

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