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I left my partner for a few weeks and stayed with a family member. I decided to go back home and give things one last chance. I’ve only been back (detail removed by moderator) and I feel like it’s starting again already. I don’t know if I’m almost waiting for it to happen that is making me over react to things he does, or whether he actually is being abusive? I feel very confused and upset, I’m finding it hard to differentiate between my mind playing tricks on me and what is real life. He hasn’t been physical again but has been embarrassing me in public and in front of friends making me look stupid. It’s only little things but when I returned home after leaving I explained to him this all has to stop and this is last chance (never showed an ounce of remorse or regret at any point, it was all still my fault). He got angry with me (detail removed by moderator) and then kept repeatedly asking what was wrong, he knew I was upset because of him but it’s like he kept wanting me to say it out loud because it upset me more and then he could have a go at me and turn around to be my fault. He said he is starting to dispise me and wishes I hadn’t come home at all, I’m acting like a spoilt child, and I take offence to everything anyone says.
When I went home I said to him (and myself) this was the last chance and if anything happened I would leave for good. But where is the line? Does this count or am I waiting for the physical to start before I think it’s bad enough to think about leaving? I just don’t know what to think? Maybe I’m over reacting? I guess they never change! -
Hey there, he’s not going to change. All he is doing is playing mind games with you. I gave my ex chance after chance. The fact that he has never admitted or accepted he has a problem speaks volumes. He’s always going to blame you. You left once. You can do it again. This is the typical cycle of abuse. Can you get in touch with your local women’s aid? They can help you plan an escape.
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Hi KIP, thank you for your reply. I knew it was only a matter of time before it started again. I’ve been in touch with local service a few weeks ago and waiting for them to get in touch so hopefully will be soon. It’s so frustrating that he acts like nothing has happened, not expecting an apology or to be told it won’t happen again, that’s not his style but just want him to acknowledge the situation at least. I don’t want to talk to him about it in fear it will spark another fight but don’t want to let it go because thats not going to solve anything either. I feel so down about it, don’t know what to do for the best.
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Is this what you are worth? Being embarrassed in public? Is this your ideal/ ambition for a loving relationship? I would say this is not good enough. It is incredibly difficult coming out of a relationship and staying out in the early stages – abusive or otherwise just a wrong relationship. What would be the harm of properly coming out and staying out for say 6 months and then seeing how you feel? You will be stronger then and able to make a more considered assessment.
You need to also listen to your instincts and your first instinct. Ie: your shock/ hurt when he says something or does something horrid. Not the second guess thought which is after a bit of time has passed or he has had a chance to try and twist your head. You are a nice person so it is natural for you to question yourself. What you need to be is a nice person to yourself and stand up and fight for nice people everywhere. Why are you allowing yourself to be squashed by a bully?
You are special. You were put on this earth for a reason. You have value. Anyone who doesn’t allow you to be you or be a happy you or your best self needs to be deleted from your life. Immediately.
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If you feel like it’s starting already then it is. It’s not based on feelings though it’s come from his treatment of you. He has conditioned you to accept his abuse, he thinks it’s normal and has convinced you that its normal. Those “little things” you mention are all abusive actions.
He see’s your return as you accepting that he can continue to abuse you. You can scream at him till you are blue in the face but he will never see or accept that what he’s doing is abusive. What he see’s is his right to treat you exactly as he wants to. After all, to him, if you didn’t like or want it why would you be there? He see’s that he is fully justified in acting the way he does, if you hadn’t done or said something then he’d not have needed to have embarresed you when you were out, why would he then say sorry? His justification is that you caused it so you need to say sorry! Twisted but that’s exactly how his thinking is.
You’ve told him that it has to stop and that this is his last chance?
He hasn’t stopped and you’ve given him a load more chances… What more does he have to do before you can justify it to yourself to leave again?
I’ve done what you are doing. I took my abuser back and mostly it was fine and for quite a while. But this past little time he’s ramped it up. After two seperate occasions I told him that it wasn’t acceptable and that i’d had enough. I gave him an ultimatum that he had to be back on or at the least signed up to course for abusive men within two weeks. I asked him why I was annoyed at him and he justified his actions to me and when I told him he was wrong and why, he then attempted to divert my attention away from what he’d done wrong by steering the conversation away from it. I told him to stop. I saw and recognised what he was doing. He was not happy about it and went off to bed.
The next day I realised that he had no intention of changing. He never even mentioned changing as all he saw was that he was justified in his actions and if I hadn’t caused it in the first place it wouldn’t have happened! That decided me and, very recently, I told him to leave. He tried to convince me to let him stay but he never said that he was sorry, that he’d change or try to get back on an abuser programme. If he’d have recognised his abuse it may have been different but he would never see it as abuse because in his eyes he was justified.
He’s gone and the tension that surrounds him has disappeared. When my children come and talk to me I can finally hear them without my mind racing off worrying over something to do with him. My mind is still full of him but it’s more a repeat of he’s not going to change and going over the ‘proof’of it.
Please phone woman’s aid. I don’t know that I need to this time but the help they gave me last time has not been forgotten and was recalled to help me this time. What also helped was reading my diary from our last break up as it helped me see that he’d not changed before and was not going to this time either. After the first recent occasion I found a great piece on wiki on psychological abuse and the two words manipulation and control lit up in blue. I clicked on them and they, too, helped me to express what he was doing to me. So when we got to talking about the last two occasions I sat there listening to him and I could clearly see what he was doing.
xx
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