Rehab

[ijustwantedhappiness]

My ex husband has been into rehab and even though he admitted fault before he really is now and it accepting he ruined our marriage. Why am I now wondering if I should try again!! I left months ago after begging him for years to get help for his addiction and only now has he got the help! Feels so hard as I truly believe alcohol made his abusive. X

[Enoughsenoughs]

Please don’t let him pull you back in I left my abusive alcoholic husband who funny enough hasn’t had a drink since as he is a changed man until something don’t go his way and then I look at him and he still has that same look in his eye,what he betrays on the outside is different to the look that comes from deep with in his soul. I left my husband for the first time (detail removed by moderator) ago and the same as you he promised to change and made all the right noises and stayed away from the drink I went back and for 6 months it was amazing I feel back In love with him and then the drink started up slowly again and then picked up pace untill it took over again and I had to get the courage to leave for a second time this time the pattern has started again with all the promises in the world but I’m never going to fall for it again always remember one thing if you go back, at some point you will be punished for leaving in the first place so it will be even worse. stay free and live your life your worth more than being someone’s door mat xx

[ijustwantedhappiness]

Thank you for your reply. He’s dependant on alcohol that’s why rehab was such a hard thing to find out at I begged him to go during our marriage but didn’t. All I wonder now is what if. But in a rose tinted way like how he’ll be back to how he was before drink took over and how I’ve now made a mistake!? I feel so confused x

[Camel]

You divorced for very good reasons and it must be galling to find out he only cared enough to seek help once you’d left him. But, as I understand it, an alcoholic is never cured. They will always be an alcoholic. One who lapses and drinks. Or one who clocks up the days or years since their last drink.

It’s an horrendous condition, for both the alcoholic and everyone in their orbit. Accepting the damage they have done is part of the alcoholic’s rehabilitation.

I can totally understand why you’re playing with the idea of giving it another go. But before you do, be truthful about how much of the relationship was unaffected by his drinking.

Accept your ex’s apology at face value. Yes, it came too late for the two of you but on a human level it’s good to see him going some way towards recovery.

[KIP.]

Alcohol does not cause abuse. Many people drink alcohol and do not abuse their partner, I bet he could control himself when drinking if there were witnesses around. I blamed alcohol for his abuse for years, it was never the alcohol. He simply chose to abuse me and blame alcohol. And his temper, and my behaviour. Anything to avoid admitting he chose to abuse me. Once an abuser always an abuser x Try to go absolutely zero contact and that includes social media and gossip from friends and family x

[Camel]

You’re absolutely right KIP. I missed IJust’s last line about alcohol causing the abuse.

I suppose some abuse can be a result of addiction. Spending the rent money on booze or the horses or drugs. Being unable to hold down a job. Being emotionally unavailable. Always being either drunk or hung over. In theory this behaviour will end when the addiction does.

Maybe the question is whether an apology and a claim to be cured is enough to wipe the slate clean. I think not.

[KIP.]

The trust is gone once you’ve been abused and have realised what he’s been doing to you is deliberate and calculated. Arguably Addicts can’t stop but abusers can if the want to but they choose not to. You can’t go back x

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