Relate counselling

[Robin]

I’m pretty certain that the behaviour of my husband would be considered abuse and I feel that I’m at the end of trying to speak to him about his behaviour, he’s not listening and purposely will use words that upset me in front of the children.

Before I enter into separation/divorce I want to be sure that I’ve exhausted all routes so that I know I’ve tried everything and I can use this to withstand any protestations that we should give it another go.

Have any of you ever entered into couples counselling? Whether with him or on your own and was it worth it?

[Eve1]

Yes, I did. Like you I wanted to be able to say to myself that I’d done everything possible to save the marriage. Unlike you I wasn’t well informed about abuse, but the relate sessions provided him ammunition and it was horrendous. Because I expected to be able to genuinely say what I thought but after nearly every session he would be verbally abusive, trap me in a room for hours arguing until I just gave in. It was like a crash course in abuse and at the end of it I knew I couldn’t do it any more and we separated. After that, It was traumatic. I wouldn’t advise it at all. And of course after we separated sorting everything out just gave him the opportunity to punish me. And also, I was so relieved to be away I had to cut all ties with him, which quite a few years later on note, had left me with no financial security. But that’s how it went. He was extremely financially controlling.

So looking back I would definitely not recommend going for the couples counseling route if you are already pretty certain that he’s abusive. I would try to read about abuse, keep posting on here and reading posts, to confirm to yourself that this is abuse, rather than put yourself through intense abuse and potential danger. My husband was not interested in making our relationship better, he just wanted me back under his control, and when that didn’t happen, at home he used all his abusive tactics.

It’s such a difficult step to take to leave them however you do it, The most important thing is to keep yourself safe.

xx

[Twisted Sister]

I’m not sure that Relate would be taking on couple’s counselling if they noticed it to be abusive.

Its worth having a think about what you want to get out of the couple’s counsselling? If its for the abuse to stop it won’t work, if its for him to see what he’s doing to you, or for anything to change, it wont sadly.

the best way is the safe way which would be to get out of the relationship.

warmest wishes xxks

[starchild]

My experience of Relate was horrendous, an unprofessional Counsellor, who was talking about our session to other team members in the office before I left the building and was visibly embarrassing her colleagues when I went to pay for the session, witnessed all through the reception hatch.
Because my husband was abusive and aggressive and challenged he then went on to constantly call all female counsellors or professional Health and Social care workers ‘B***h Counsellors’ …(detail removed by moderator).
TBH I have not heard any good thoughts about Relate when it comes to Abuse cases, it is not the best place to go as they are not professionally trained in the same way … They are effectively mediators… and any perpetrator will use that for their own means through their charm school public image.
I hasten to add that my particular local relate had a bad reputation in respect of working with abuse cases locally.

[deathangel]

No, no and no again. Been there and done that. Been to Relate. Completed (detail removed by moderator) months’ of pretty expensive weekly “couples work” sessions. Relationship counselling works on a relationship of equals. Both parties being responsible for their own stuff. Abusiveness and abuse is not a relationship of equals, it is a relationship of one up manship and control by one of the parties. It will not work, I promise. It did not work for us or for me. I did get to vent in relative safety (though you might find he may take all the stuff ou on you when you get back home) All that was addressed was his mental health, in fact most of the time spent was on how well he was doing on his new meds and his mental health. Which was extremely frustrating and not why I went there. We were not communicating any better and he was still behaving in the same ways he always had. He would come home and say how we (the counsellor and I) were ganging up on him and he felt picked on. Also the counsellor told him after our separate sessions, which were the first two sessions we had, that I wanted to leave the relationship (even though I was only discussing an exit strategy if the worst came to the worst). Luckily he did not do what most abusive men do and flip and totally go ballistic on my butt. He was shocked. He could not believe I was planning to leave, etc. This really freaked me out, as I thought safety was paramount in/to all situations. The counsellor obviously did not take safety into account despite me describing abuse, intimidation and verbal cruelty in great detail. Never would other organisations (I would hope they wouldn’t) discuss the abused partner’s exit plans or thoughts to the abuser.

Unless he has been to a perpetrator/abuser group and worked on his issues and changed totally for the better (which is said to take many many years) then couples counselling will not work. He will find some way to make it all about him and try to make you accountable in some way for his abuse and behaviour.

Just no!

[deathangel]

p.s. I would recommend one on one counselling for yourself and how you can improve your self-esteem and your own mental health, etc. Apologies for being so vociferous, but couples counselling is not recommended for relationships where abuse is happening, it just does not work.

[KIP.]

Please get in touch with your local women’s aid. Ring the helpline number on here. They can explain his abusive behaviour better than any relate councellor ever could.

[Lightness]

Hi Robin
I was just like you – wanting to be 100% sure before leaving

What I found helpful- getting a counsellor for myself who understood abuse. She advised against couples counseling thank goodness – it would have been very traumatising.

After I left I had some moments of doubt – this is normal by the way. I would write down everything he did and then read the list back to myself and realise how horrendous it was

Now I am further on I am 100% sure I made the right decision to leave. I am now able to see his abuse for what is was. Also he has shown his true abusive colours post my leaving

The other thing has been me understanding the impact the abuse has had on me including ongoing PTSD.

I definitely would avoid couples counseling and I would phone women’s aid and read up on abuse.

Best of luck
Lightness

[White Rose]

Hi Robin.
I went after but only I’d left him. He bullied me into it. We did one session together which was an hour of verbal and emotional abuse of me by him, he was evil through tbe whole session. The relate counsellor was absolutely fantastic and she handled him perfectly. He refused to go back (thank goodness!!) but I went a few times on my own for one to one with the counsellor – she actually did work with our area DA group so recognised the problem and after he stormed off in a huff as he wasn’t getting his own way with her, offered me help.
I definitely wouldn’t recommend couples counseling or mediation but did both because he insisted. Neither helped the relationship but interestingly both reinforced my belief I was in an seriously abusive and dangerous relationship which in itself in retrospect was a positive outcome.

[Author]

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