Relationship after abuse

[Pinkheart]

I’ve been in a relationship with a new partner for (detail removed by moderator). I’ve fought so hard not to fall in love with him, but I have!! 🙈 He’s aware of everything I’ve been through. The abuse, the cheating etc and he has been so understanding and caring.
I’ve honestly had the best (detail removed by moderator) of my life with him and most importantly I feel safe with him!
Here’s the but. There’s a lingering ex from years ago! He’s been very open about previous relationships, but this particular woman still seems to be on the radar! She messaged him when we were away and I did raise my concerns with him, but he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about!
She was his hairdresser in the past. Anyway, he had his hair cut and told me he went to the salon. I then found out she had been to his house and cut his hair. I am deeply upset he would lie! He said he only didn’t say anything after my concerns previously.
Now everything with my ex husband has come flooding back! The cheating, the constant messaging other woman and I can’t get that out of my head. 🙈
Am I right to react the way I have. I’ve told him that’s it! But I honestly don’t know if I’ve done the right thing?
I’ve never once thought he’d cheat on me and I still believe that he wouldn’t, but a relationship is built on trust and once that is broken is there any going back?

[Apricot]

That’s a tough one. I think you need to think about your boundaries.

I read a book (I’m always reading!) which you might find helpful in a practical way. It’s called “Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship” by Adelyn Birch. It’s a quick read (and less than £3 on Kindle). It’s about setting healthy boundaries in relationships when you’re recovering from abuse. It talks about setting flexible and rigid boundaries for yourself- basically your hard and soft rules.

So for example you might set “lying” as a rigid boundary – one strike and it’s finished. But you might say that cancelling a date is a flexible boundary – you’ll accept it once, express your disappointment and explain that if it happens again you will end the relationship.

It might help you get a different perspective on things. Boundaries are part of a healthy relationship and help us maintain our self respect too. Identifying potential red flags and deciding how to respond to them is protective. It also helps to consider what a healthy relationship looks like to you objectively.

It’s a decision only you can make. Lying isn’t good in a relationship, they need to be based on trust. If your new partner is aware of your past and the impact that lying will have on you – my gut feeling is that he should be extra careful to be totally upfront and honest with you. But I think you need to be clear on where your boundaries sit and you have to actively maintain them (the hardest part!) And that can mean walking away to protect yourself.

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