Relationship is over and I’m struggling.

[Summerdays]

I’ve been in the worse possible relationship with a man who I really believed was ‘the one’ I loved him endlessly, but our relationship was hell and he is a terrible partner too me. He was violent, abusive, degrading towards, a pure bully, I couldn’t do anything with feeling overwhelming anxiety that he might ‘kick off’. Anything I did that was right, was still wrong.

Its come to a head (detail removed by moderator) ago, and he left, he told me he hates me, he doesn’t love me, I’m stupid, he can get someone much prettier, much more intelligent, he can ‘DEFINATELY’ so better. Just an array of hurtful things, all of which are what I have heard time and time again, but hurt just as much and has really knocked my self esteem as the time has gone on.

Our relationship has been pure hate for each other one day, to incredible love the next.

I know I am better off without this man. But I’m not sure if a part of me still loves him, in fact, if he came back now and gave me a hug and said he was sorry I would probably be happy, even though I know it’s completely wrong.

He’s so certain that I’m stupid, and ugly, and anything else he’s said about me, that I know the above is not going to happen, and I know I should not even want a man like that in my life.

But I feel so anxious and lonely. I barely slept last night and I haven’t been able to eat today. I’m overwhelmed with stress and anxiety.

To be honest, I think I’m in a mess, I think I must have called his phone 50 times (detail removed by moderator) telling him I’ll do better, I’ll change. When I know I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m actually just prolonging the inevitable, but I can’t help myself. And what’s worse, is that I’m probably feeding into this view he has that he is actually better than me, and he is actually some amazing love God that no woman can resist. He’s pure arrogant.

I don’t really have any friends to be honest and I’m trying hard to keep busy, but I keep finding myself so overwhelmed that I can’t move, and that’s when I start calling him.

I don’t really have anyone to talk me. So here I am. And I really hope someone can help me get through this.

My main issue is, I want to get to a point where I don’t want this disgusting bully of a man back, I want to feel happy with my own life. I’ve been reading everyone’s stories on here and everyone doesn’t actually want to hear from their ex. I want to be at that point. I feel like my heart and my mind are playing tricks on me because I know he is a horrible man, but then I keep getting flashbacks of the amazing times. I wish it was a bad relationship all of the time so I could feel satisfied and comfortable with this loss.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi Summerdays,

It’s good you came here, it’s a good first step in recognising what he did to you was abuse. Have you read about trauma bonding on here or on Google? It sounds like this has been a big part of your relationship and indeed nothing takes the pain away like him coming back. But it’s never the solution and it’s never the end of future pain. There is always more abuse around the corner. Don’t be hard on yourself for calling him, I think he has probably trained you in some way to do this, call and beg and apologise so that he didn’t have to. Mine would often not stop until I had apologised even if I in retrospect hadn’t done anything wrong. And they do like us begging for them. The thing is it’s not us who needs changing, it’s not us who need to do better. They just want us to think that, always twisting their stories into how it was our fault. But it’s not your fault. It never was. He can’t do better than you, that’s just insults used because he knows it hurts you. It would hurt anyone. I would like to think in good, healthy relationships there wouldn’t be any doubt about this, you would know you were with the one as you say and that there is no one better out there and more importantly, you wouldn’t be even wondering if there is something better out there. He’s just saying these things to hurt you, and of course they hurt and you deserve so much better than that.

The good thing is you are so aware already of how badly he treated you. It’s very easy for us to make excuses for their behaviour as they train us to do so, so reading how you know he is not good for you and that you want to get to a point where you don’t miss him is a massive feat. Be proud of yourself for having such self insight and awareness, I know I didn’t. You’ve been through horrible abuse, so it will take time and it will hurt, but you can get there. You most certainly can.

I think what is really good is that you came here, you’ve already started reading about experiences with abuse. I think you should keep reading. I highly recommend “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It helped keep me sane especially when all I really wanted to do was blame myself, retract my statements and beg for his forgiveness… when he was the one who had assaulted me. I think there is a pdf version out there for you to download straight away, otherwise it is not too dear on Amazon.

Write down what he did to you and how it made you feel. You can write it here while making it anonymous or you can write it completely as you want and keep it for yourself. I would then read to myself every time the urge comes to call him, read it back and ask myself is this really what I want back? Perhaps you could also make a deal with yourself before calling him the next time, you will ask for help on here, reach out to someone, call Women’s Aid and then see if you still feel like calling him. And please do call Women’s Aid, even if you are out sometimes that voice telling you what you feel is valid, what you went through it believed, it really helps settle the hurtful emotions we are going through.

Have you thought about contacting your GP and let them know what you have been through? They can help with something to help you sleep, sometimes just getting proper sleep helps our resolve. You can also be referred for therapy if you feel that would be helpful to you.

Hold on to the fact that you already know you have not done anything wrong. Therefore there is nothing you need to do better, there is nothing you need to change. You are exactly right as you are.

I hope you will have a much better sleep tonight but if sleep still aludes you, try and be kind to yourself. Have a shower, a bath, a nice cup of tea if that’s your thing. Just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever feeling pops up x

[Summerdays]

Thank you for your reply, it’s incredibly insightful and I’m really grateful that you took the time to write such helpful information.

I’ve tried to call women’s aid a few times and I never seem to get through.

I feel abit better today, I’m really tired though but I’ve had a busy day with work, and when I came home I started repairing things that had been broken in our house when he’s been here. Theirs still a lot to do, but it was really satisfying. My main thing is I want to make chanhes to the house, it’s in desperate need of decorating anyway, but I’m hoping if I get it the way I want it to be, it won’t be such a painful reminder.

I’ve stopped myself from calling him today which I suppose is abit of progress, I don’t know if it’s because I’m just too tired or if I’ve kept myself busy enough not to focus. My head is telling me the if he cares about me, or anything towards me, he will contact me.

I’m taking abit of comfort in knowing that for certain, I will have a better quality of life than he will moving forward. Im really ambitious and I know I will make a success of my life, but I do miss having some human company. I get a bit panicked during the day when I think I have nobody to talk to.

I’m trying to avoid things that will set me back abit too, I can’t stand listening to music at the minute because they seem to remind me in one way or another.

I’ve also been around the house and put most of his belongings that have been left behind in a black bag, although I’ve not managed to throw them away yet, which I take as a negative sign because I should feel confident about throwing his things away, and by keeping them it means I’m clinging to the fact that he might just come home which I think is a defeating thought process.

I feel like I keep planning the next day on advance because I don’t want to leave any gaps where I have nothing to do, because then I will sit thinking and it will overwhelm me. I actually feel frightened of being alone with nothing to do.

Writing the list is a really good idea and I will definately do that. I need to keep reminding myself of why it is much, MUCH better not to be with this man.

When I look back we probably has 10 good times and 1000 horrific times. Why does the mind cling on to the good times so much when it knows, the hellish days far outweigh them.

I’m also trying to clean everywhere in the house. I picked up a shirt earlier and I could smell him, in a nice way, but I really don’t want to feel those ‘nice’ feelings about him so I feel like I’m going a little bit OCD on the house because I’m scared of having any other reminders.

Mu aim for tomorrow is to hopefully start a list, and process some of the horrific things that have happened between us, and how I felt at those times and how they have affected me as a person. Hopefully that will give my mind a little more reassurance that this is the right thing.

[Author]

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