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There is not a single thing on life, or a single thing about me that I don’t question, I do it daily. This self destruction feels like it is eating me alive. He was the first person in my life to put me down & criticise everything. I do mean everything too, in the end I would check, double check, treble check everything, did it to perfection yet it was always wrong. Now I do the same exactly, I always feel someone will be there to say, that’s not right, that’s not how to think, you are wrong, are you crazy or something, it’s you & the way you think. I never used to feel I had to justifh myself but now I feel like I have to over assert myself to be heard. Truly it does feel like you are crazy even though you are not x
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hi9 hun
give yourself time hun, in time u slowly begin to trust your own decisions and u will stop caring what he thought or any one else, its like training ourselves to be an adult
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Hi Confused123 That is exactly how I felt, like a scolded child, I can remember saying to the new GP last year when I got away he replicated all prior abuse, this past year I have fully understood why, why I was feeling like a scared child, abused, scared, how in the end I was too scared to defend myself, once he could see I’d realised is when he joined dating websites looking for his next victim. It’s this still constant need though to not put a foot wrong, anxieties kick in big time I then end up unable to do things properly x
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They were like a critical parent- commenting and putting us down about everything, not allowing us freedom of choice..
His nasty comments will echo for a while, but as you begin to take care of yourself in his absence, you will begin to feel better and his words will lose power. You’ll be able to redefine yourself and one day, you’ll realise how proud of yourself you are.
If you’ve neglected yourself in any way during the abuse, news the time to start showing yourself some care. And if he stopped you from achieving something, know that you will be able to go and achieve just that when you feel stronger.
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Hi Serenity I neglected myself in every way, Now I am struggling to get through each day, I have had a major breakdown so now not entirely sure how to take how I’m feeling, Anxieties sky high, energy levels zero, thoughts painful & just like tomorrow will never come, I don’t know anyone where I live & have become scares of strangers for many reasons to do with him, I am pushing myself as hard as I can do. Which isn’t very far with severe anxiety x
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There’s no need to push yourself blueberry. Just allow yourself to enjoy all the little things that you couldn’t before. For me it was being allowed a bath every day or leaving the washing up until the morning if I was tired. Nothing major. We have to slowly teach our mind and bodies that it’s ok now. Each time that anxiety follows an action that he used to criticise, try to notice it in your body, sit with the feeling rather than run from it and gently tell yourself that it’s ok and you’re safe. I can remember at one point having to literally self talk my feet out of bed and encourage myself towards every tiny act and movement, almost too scared, shocked, traumatised to function. I said “come on, it’s OK, just do this one thing…Etc”. Keep in mind that the critical words are his, not yours, and counter them with loving words instead or with rational facts. Eventually this becomes second nature…In time xx
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Hi Peaceful Pig, That’s exactly how it is, I feel so abnormal for being a normal person with normal feelings. I was with him many years & in truth I feel completely disabled by him, I am fighting this with every last bit of strength I have Thank You for your kind words, such wise words too, I need to repeat a million times a day what I must do to live again, & a million times I keep forgetting x
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