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(Will mention what was essentially a s*xual a*s*ult but I’m not sure how to add spoilers/blur it out, sorry about that)
I don’t know if I’m being melodramatic by describing this as assault, but it was unwanted contact in like…that area, so it seemed like the best way to warn anyone reading this. This was a lesbian relationship, just to save any confusion re: pronouns.
The bulk of my ex’s abuse was emotional and psychological (…she made me scared to have facial expressions because the control and interrogations were so bad), with a small physical element (she’d throw stuff but not at me, hit herself in front of me, have “””involuntary””” meltdowns that were very scary – but never got directly physically violent with me), but I suddenly remembered something she did, just as a one-off, and it’s really confusing me and messing with my head. We were sort of joking around (although it had a kind of sharp/tense feeling to it, the way “joking around” often does in relationships like that) and out of nowhere she reached out and jabbed me between the legs, quite hard, laughing like it was a big joke. I experienced some sexual abuse in childhood and find issues around sex and consent quite hard sometimes, and she knew that. It was the kind of thing that was absolutely guaranteed to really, really mess me up (which it did, I felt f*cking awful, really really bad). I’d forgotten about it but remembered yesterday and now I feel very weird. I don’t want to tell my partner in case I’m making it up or she gets the wrong idea (it was a one-off, nothing else like that ever happened), and just because I feel really gross and irrationally ashamed.
I just wish I could understand why she did that. Despite the fact that she was horrible in other ways, she was generally very good about consent and sexual trauma, so like…what was that?? Why? I understood where her other behaviour came from, but this one is a mystery to me. Why on earth did she do it? What?? Just baffled.
(I don’t know if the mods will feel like they have to remove half of this, I’m finding it kind of confusing what is and isn’t allowed)
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Hi gosling,
I’m so sorry that she did this to you at all, but especially knowing your experience of childhood sexual abuse. It’s incredibly confusing trying to understand why other people do unacceptable things like this and it’s easy to go round in circles in your mind because there’s no real way of definitively knowing why. The impact that it’s having on you is important though. Feeling bad and ashamed are very normal responses to sexual assault, even if you logically know you did nothing wrong. Please don’t feel under any pressure to tell your current partner, it’s entirely up to you who you share this with, there’s no obligation there. You might find it helpful to speak to Rape Crisis about what happened. They offer support for anyone who has experienced any kind of sexual violence at any point in their life. They have a confidential 24/7 helpline and live chat where you can speak to a specialist operator.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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