Remembering little things about my ex and how magical it felt at first

[SunshineRainflower]

I just wondered if any of you kept having memories that seem somehow ‘silly’ and insignificant but they keep playing back anyway? I feel a bit silly but I feel quite sad and wistful remembering this time of year when I first met him, because it felt special and exciting. We had our first dates during the cold winter months and although I wasn’t enamoured with him and wasn’t sure if I was too attracted initially, I enjoyed our dates, was totally fooled by his ‘honourable man’ act and something about it being winter made them seem more special, exciting and magical? For example we went on lovely frosty walks in one of my favourite places and had cosy meals afterwards. I remember feeling really happy to have found someone who liked walking (after my previous ex had hated it) and on the walks he acted like a gentleman (in contrast to someone who I’d dated before him who turned up in the wrong clothes and acted like a bit of an idiot).

My ex took me to some of my favourite places and afterwards we would go out for or make nice dinners together, watch films and he would put his arm around me. It felt so wonderful to be in a relationship again, so special and new and exciting and hopeful. Since I hadn’t slept with anyone for ages before him, being intimate with him felt magical and amazing and I felt so lucky, happy, excited about this new man in my life, as well as thinking ‘finally I can join everyone else and have a partner rather than always be the single one.’

I played a song yesterday that he played for me, I remember when he first played it how magical it was. Little things like that. This year feels dull and boring in contrast, with nothing exciting going on, no romance, not even any good friends to meet up with. Christmas has felt totally colourless, nobody apart from my mum has been round and seen the Christmas tree, I have just been completely alone apart from my cat and seeing my family once during the whole period.

I still cry thinking about how it wasn’t real, it feels so sad. It makes me feel negative thoughts about myself like it was too good to be true and how I won’t ever find anyone where it feels magical again, as if nobody truly good would care about me to be my partner. 🙁 It has really knocked my already shaky self esteem and confidence.

Contrasting those early dates to just a relatively short time later, I noticed that he strangely used to angle his body away from me on the sofa so it was really hard to cuddle up to him. The sex became really clinical, he stopped paying me compliments and being affectionate and started to make subtle put downs about my appearance. On one date he boasted about his prowess in bed with other women and asked me for money, it was such a horrible contrast compared to how wonderful he had behaved on the early dates, it was so confusing how it was the same man.

I still struggle getting my head around how that lovely sweet guy I was dating ended up being an ‘abuser’ and how I was classed as ‘medium risk’ from my local domestic abuse team and had to go to the police about him, it is so awful and strange and surreal and part of my brain just wants to go ‘reverse, reverse, delete’ and go back to those nice early dates where everything felt hopeful.

On the other hand I always felt terribly guilty on our early dates because my ex was not exactly the kind of man I was looking for (well his false image anyway, this was before I knew he was actually an abuser). I couldn’t help noticing other women with the kinds of men I have always wanted to date – gentle outdoorsy men who have hair (!) and are fairly tall and share similar interests to me. I want to have found someone already so I can give up the search, it is so tiring and disheartening when you repeatedly attract the wrong men.

I feel so weary with dating. I have dated so many men in my life who were just awful. I would just love to find a partner who is genuinely loving, caring, affectionate, warm, wise, kind, shares similar values and likes doing the same sort of things as me. I don’t tend to meet any single men like that. There was a really attractive man in the supermarket today he was very polite to me and smiled and I just thought ‘you, you’re the type of man I’d love to date!’ but how do I meet someone like him socially, men like him are always married, and of course I know I’m only going from appearance and one exchange but he seemed great anyway.

I’m not old nor am I fat and both men and women have always said I am pretty/attractive/good looking so I don’t know what I am doing wrong, maybe it is my self esteem and history of abuse they can sense. I just always seem to attract the same (detail removed by moderator) type of man, usually good looking arrogant charming extrovert confident types, the opposite to me. The quiet, kind, attractive men don’t seem to ask me out. Maybe I have turned some down in the past as I used to always look for men like my brother who I mistakenly looked up to, at least this is something I can stop doing and instead turn the (detail removed by moderator)down if any more appear.

I am reading a book called He’s Scared, She’s Scared and it’s making me think I am probably a committment phobic, since I always run away from men after getting involved as I get this terrible feeling of doom in my stomach about the relationship. I’ve never figured out why, it is confusing as some of them have been abusers so the doom would make sense, but others have been kind. Maybe I could try dating totally different types of men and see how that feels, it would be great to find a therapist who I could talk to at the same time as dating again as dating usually puts me in a very unstable mood with extreme highs and depressive lows.

Just feeling a bit wistful today, thanks for listening.

[KIP.]

I remember those exciting honeymoon period days. But I remind myself I’ve had days like that with other relationships. And I remind myself that I was capable of such pure love and looking back it was me on cloud nine, having a great time, making him feel special too. He was the one who chose to destroy that. I can have those feelings again but he will never know that kind of love. I use dating as a way to socialise and test boundaries until my confidence returns. No pressure. Onwards and upwards. Happy New Year!

[yellow daisies]

Hello sunshinerainflower, I’m so pleased I read your post because it was almost as if you were writing a story about my life, to the detail of how you weren’t really enamoured with him to begin with, and you felt guilty because of it. That was how it felt when my ex and I got together (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. It was more of a rebound than someone I wanted to date. But somehow I managed to stay & I ended up falling in love. But the abuses started quite soon after it begun, and continued until acweek ago when he left me. He used to put in so much effort to win me over, but as soon as he had me, it would change so rapidly & I began to believe it was my fault and spend many months trying to work out what I was doing to suddenly push him away. It carried on and on. I’d threaten to leave, hed grovel and beg and we’d have the honeymoon period, and then as soon as I was back in his grip, the cycle of abuse would begin again.

I feel so alone, just as you do. I’ve moved many times and now I’m in a relatively new area with hardly any friends and my family is far away too. I’m on my own all the time & it drives me to desperation. You’re not on your own, I know how it feels. Like you mentioned, you’re complimented by other people because you’re obviously a pretty lady & have a lot to offer, and I’ve had the same said about me. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I realise that we attract men who see us as a conquest to maintain their egos. Once they’ve won us over with the courtship and they feel as if they’ve got us falling for them, that’s when the abuse starts, sometimes subtle and sometimes more forcefully. Either way, they do it with the intention to destroy our self worth, to the point that we don’t believe we deserve better, and so we don’t ever leave them. It is nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them & their fragile egos. We become like their fix, and that makes them feel powerful and in control. Unfortunately as is so often true, they emotionally rob us of our self esteem to the point that we become needy, jealous, controlling etc (I’m not saying that’s how you are, but in my case it was), because we clutch on to them harder and harder the more we feel them slipping away. We believe that we are the cause of all the problems.

By the end of my relationship with my ex, I hated the person I became. I lost all my integrity and I look at how insecure and possessive I became over him, and if I was him or any other man, I wouldn’t have wanted to date me either. Yet they were the ones who reduced us to that! They do the crime, we do the time.

I’m a single mum and I also find it very hard to meet people. The only thing I can suggest is perhaps joining some classes, finding events to go to, places where you can meet men and women who share the same interests. You could possibly make new friends & it will open up the possibilities of meeting a new man with common ground and mutual friends.

You will find the right person, when you learn to find yourself and know your own boundaries, with the confidence to have those boundaries firmly in place and not to move the goal post to suit men’s needs. Abusive Men suss us out very quickly, and they are very good at asking the right questions and doing subtle things to test us and see how much they can get away with. If you’re unbendable, then the abusive men will very soon move on to their next target. X

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes, there really is no escaping the fact that it simply is sad. I think I just have to face the sadness I feel about it, so that I can heal and move on.

It is very sad that we thought these men were wonderful, due to them deliberately acting like our ‘ideal partners’ initially, when in fact they were never the men we thought they were in the first place. It’s like it was all a dream. A bit like the little boy in The Snowman animation, who is never quite sure if it was a dream or not, because of the scarf. He never knows if the snowman existed or not, all he knows is that the snowman is no longer there, and he has his happy memories of him, his confusion because he seemed so real, and now all he can do is mourn him.

[fridges]

Sunshinerainflower, I like very much your post. It can relate to many women here, I’m sure of it.
I blamed myself for ending up in two abusive relationships. One after other. I thought these two men are so different, in fact they were not.
Until we change ourselves, start to love, start to care, start to build self respect, boundaries, self worth, self value. We will be falling in the same path.
Only this year I started to understand that all events in my life were connected. The abusive men smell us as shark the blood in the water.
I grew up in an abusive family, where stepfather was drunk and abusive was happened everyday. My mum focused on saving him, and as a child i was in neglect. Since the age of (detail removed by Moderator) I was working in the summer, to provide for me, for my brother and sister.To look after them and study as well.
At age (detail removed by Moderator)I was raped, as I come from poor family, no one cared anyway, I was perfect target.
Then things even got worse for me after that.
Of course all the events did not make me feel of value, or respect, or that I’m actually human being and deserve something.
Good that there was a take I was studying and I had no much time for dating.
But when it finished, I ended up in abusive relationship, then in other one.

The 2016 I started to work on my reflection how I see myself, as I feel I’m never good enough.
Despite some achievement in life, I never was able to put them on me.
Even the fact I’m survived so much, and to be alive, I’m still was not able to transfer it to myself.

Because I have learned to keep brave appearance in front of people, and cover it well. That all is good. I was living this fake life. In fact it was not real confidence, it was not real self esteem, it was no real self respect, it was just a mask which I was putting in front of people.

This year I started to think that I need to something about it, I started to educate myself on self esteem, I understood if I have no self esteem and no respect to myself, who then actually will have it towards me?

My answer to trouble for dating, trouble with men, is to build – MYSELF – to give love, care, and respect, build certain boundaries, which will be like a wall for abusive men, that they will be not driven to me anymore.
As healthy women with no traumas are too HARD NUT for them to break. They do not get involved and not attracted to this men. They will choose a healthy relationship.

Try to live with yourself, when you will be comfortable with you and not looking your worth through the eye of other men, then you are on the right track.
I was looking at myself through the eyes of my abusers and my self worth I was feeling through them. Which is nothing.
I teach myself, that I need to look at me, with my eyes, stay on the course which I choose and not to be pushed like the man wants. I’m not longer looking for the confirmation of anything from men.
You should learn your own value.
When you feel your own value, then no man can take it away. You will choose your value and respect towards you, than a man, who is not suitable for you.
Now I’m working on my personal list of boundaries, when I feel someone steps on them, I should recognise it. I should know how it makes me feel. And I NEED TO CHOOSE ME over abuse, I need to choose me over disrespectful behaviour, I need to choose me over someone who is trying to push me, playing me, making me feel bad about myself, feeling obliged to please him, feeling of obligation that i must satisfy him and it is kind of my responsibility.

CHOOSE YOU, CHOOSE YOURSELF, when you make decision stick to it, when someone try sabotage you, do not let it, make a choice is better to walk away now, instead of losing and hurting yourself one more time.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you fridges, I’m glad my post helped, I thought I was just rambling on so that is good to know. Yes I totally agree, we have to learn to love ourselves, and put ourselves first, to break this brutally painful pattern of meeting abuser after abuser. It sounds like you have made good progress understanding your pattern too. I hope 2018 is better for all of us and we start to feel more positive about things. I was thinking today, ‘at least he isn’t it my life anymore’ and that counts for a huge amount. I feel like when I met him, he was a sort of devil who tempted me to go down the totally wrong path, disguised as the right path, and it took me away from my dreams, goals and self. So now this year I have hardly anyone in my life, but a blank canvas to focus on what I want to do. Starting today 🙂 x

[Tiffany]

I think perhaps we should all focus on taking ourselves on dates this year. I did a few last year – really wanted to go to a dance, had no-one to go with so went by myself, was having a bad day so took myself to the beach, saw a cafe I wanted to try, so took myself there as a treat. It’s basically just an extension of self care and being independent. Rather than waiting and wishing that someone would take us somewhere magical we can go by ourselves. It takes a bit of effort to get in the right mind set – but it’s much easier than putting on a brave face when out with an abuser because you are actually having fun. It’s even got a bit of a thrill to ir- a rebellion if you like because you are defying societal norms. I have been going on actual dates too, but so far they haven’t compared to the ones on my own, which tells me that I haven’t found the right man yet!

[KIP.]

Just wondering how many of us met our abusers when on the rebound. I know I did. Women’s Aid say to wait two years after an abusive relationship as we are too vulnerable and I totally agree. It’s important that we heal ourselves and regain our confidence or we end up with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. After I ended it my ex went straight for a vulnerable single mother of 4 who was a victim of dv. Must have thought he had won the lottery. Poor woman x

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes I don’t plan to date yet, I don’t feel ready. I always wonder how I would answer the question ‘so how long have you been single/how come things ended with your ex?’ I find it really hard to lie and hide my feelings (people often say they can see it in my face!) so I’m not sure how I’d respond. I would find it very hard to say ‘oh it just didn’t really work out’ because I really want to say ‘oh, he seemed lovely at first but then it transpired he was an abusive p********h with no empathy and was possibly planning on killing me, how about you?’ That would send the sane ones running as they’d assume I was the crazy one, and the abusers would be like ‘oh really, tell me more’ rubbing their hands together with glee realising I’d already been victimised so would make an easy target.

Tiffany I used to go on a lot of solo trips myself including on holiday twice to a seaside area. Loved it at first but then crippling sad loneliness took over, I hated going out for meals by myself in the evening there as I felt people looked at me like I was strange. When I got back I decided I needed to start dating again so I went on the dating site and a few months later met my abusive ex. It probably wasn’t the right location, there are better places where single people aren’t considered aliens but I tend to think they are the travellery places where I can’t afford to go anymore or foreign cities.

I might brainstorm some ideas, maybe some gallery day trips. It’s just hard to feel motivated as this has been my life for years, being single and trying to fit in with a couple/family/children-focused society. Just feel very fed up with trying to be positive, it is hard but I am tired today and it is grey outside which isn’t helping. I think I’m probably a bit depressed, finding the right therapist would help.

[Tiffany]

I don’t think I could manage a whole holiday, unless it was a short break. I can only go about two days without talking to people before I start going a bit crazy. I think I have it easier not worrying about people staring at me because I am physically striking and people notice and stare at me all the time, regardless of who I am with. So I am used to it. The date idea could work at home too though. You might wish that someone would run you a bath with rose petals and candles – do it for yourself (so much more fun when you are single anyway as two people in a bath is never as fun or sexy as you imagine). Or maybe you love Netflix binges. Buy yourself the kind of treats you would like a lover to buy you. Tidy the room as though someone was coming. Do the whole ritual. And then watch movies with your cat and your favourite snacks. Other single person dates where no one will notice could be like you said trips to galleries, or ice skating, or long walks. Or even going to the cinema. It’s dark, and no one noticed if you are alone or not. I know the motivation is hard when you are down, but give it a go when you feel better. I am really loving being single at the moment. I had quite a long relationship with my abuser, but even after the end of healthy relationships I have noticed the advantages of more freedom.

[KIP.]

Hey, I’d love to say that to someone just to see their response lol. I’ve just said he didn’t come up to the require standards and made a joke about it. Then moved on. I want to tell you how far I have come. I was so traumatised in the early days I couldn’t travel on my own, or just sit in a cafe and have a coffee on my own. Now I do it without thinking. I’ve given evidence in Parliament, I secured my home from my abuser, I’ve been on foreign holidays, tackled the crown office and am tackling the banking system that enables abuse to continue. I found an inner strength that I had before it was eroded and sucked from me. I’ve found a new purpose in life and all this because I got rid of the parasite that sucked me dry for years. All this while suffering PTSD. It takes time but every day away from an abuser is a gift and a day nearer to finding a new positive confident inner self x it takes incredible strength to survive abuse and we can use that strength when we are free x

[cloudyday]

“every day away from an abuser is a gift and a day nearer to finding a new positive confident inner self x it takes incredible strength to survive abuse and we can use that strength when we are free! ”

Thanks Kip. It just about sums it up. Just struggling to find that strength after an extremely traumatic Christmas and New Year. Feeling very tired and drained right now. Havent seen him today by his choice and I have told him not to come over this week but now I’m feeing abandoned and lost already.

[SunshineRainflower]

I was suddenly hit with a horrible memory today, of when he boasted about how he had never had any trouble making other women orgasm (his ‘exes’ I assumed but terribly I think some of them weren’t really ‘exed’). He said it in this awful boastful way with an emphasised louder voice and a scornful laugh. It was as if he thought his ‘equipment’ and his ‘technique’ were so masterful that he thought he was some kind of sexual king. It was awful and I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, I felt so hurt by him saying this and imagined him f*****g all of these women writhing around in ecstasy 🙁 It makes me worry that he was some kind of stud known to all of the women in town!! And it contrasted so horribly with this sweet cute guy I thought I was with on those early magical dates. It also feels rubbish because I did genuinely really like his body, unlike my previous longterm ex whose body I wasn’t attracted to at all but he was a lovely person so I stayed with him for longer than I should have. Ever since that longterm ex I have always worried that I will meet the perfect man but I won’t fancy him and his body will repulse me, so it feels rubbish that I really liked my abusive ex’s body but he ended up being an abuser. I feel like I am mourning his body!! It’s like I have this fear of not finding anyone I fancy again, who is non-abusive.

These memories keep turning up, the good ones make me feel sad and wistful, the bad ones make me suddenly feel super upset and cry and they seem to take it in turns. Is that just part of the healing process? It will be nice when it doesn’t bother me as much. I can see it upsets me a lot less than it did initially but it still hurts and feels sad and horrible.

[KIP.]

It does get better. I’m convinced I was wearing rose tinted glasses for a long time. I actually thought my ex had a good body but in reality he was overweight, man boobs, saggy belly, short legs. I cannot believe I ever thought that. It must go hand in hand with the brain washing. Maybe I convinced myself of that the way I convinced myself he wasn’t abusing me. I look at photos now and he turns my stomach. I think of his body now and feel physically sick. It’s like it was just one huge nightmare. Hopefully your mind will clear too and you will look back as I do with wonder at why I ever thought he was all that. He was just a pathetic loser who had to resort to rape manipulation lies and violence to keep a woman in his life. Sick little man.

[lover of no contact]

Haha my abuser had the man boobs too. And the saggy belly and overweight. But his arrogance, grandiosity deceived him into thinking he was God’s gift to women. They are delusional and we get caught up in their delusions and illusions.

That’s a good way of putting it about the rose-tinted glasses. I had them on too when in relationship with abuser. Glad I’ve binned my rose-tinted glasses now!

[SunshineRainflower]

I know what you mean KIP and Love of no contact. When we first met I thought he was ‘cute’ but I didn’t feel particularly attracted to him, he was a bit short and going bald and in the past I have been in relationship with some gorgeous men who were tall, dark and handsome so he wasn’t up to their standard (which made me feel guilty even thinking it!)

He was slim and athletic though due to his hobbies, but I did see a picture of him online before he took up this hobby and he was a bit pudgy and pasty looking, there is no way I would have gone out with him if I’d met him like that as shallow as that sounds, he just doesn’t look healthy like that at all, he actually looks a bit sleazy in this photo and more like a typical ‘abuser’ I suppose.

He convinced me he was this sweet lovely soul who really liked me so I thought I’d be crazy, cold and foolish not to at least give him a chance partly because I have this fear that I am ‘too fussy’ and also about getting older and running out of time to have children.

My attraction to him grew because of the person I thought he was. I thought I was doing the right thing putting personality before looks, having no idea that he was putting on his personality!!!

Isn’t it funny how when you ‘fall’ for someone you suddenly think they are gorgeous. That is what happened to me, I started to think he was really attractive (although I do remember occasionally seeing the light catch his bald head lol).

And then as soon as I had fallen for him it’s like we switched places and he started putting me down and made me start to feel self conscious about my body, which I found strange and uncomfortable since all my previous exes had always complimented my body as most men do when they are in a relationship with someone they care for and are attracted to. So by the end I was thinking that he was this really attractive desirable man and I’m this old, fat, dull woman who no other man will want after subtle comments he had made. So yes I am still probably partly brainwashed by him. In the example I gave I can see how he was making himself look good and putting me down. He was certainly the most selfish partner I’ve ever had and was very old fashioned in terms of his ideas on male-female roles, I started to feel like a 1950’s housewife at times and I was only with him for a short time.

I did see some photos of him on social media when I checked recently (which was a slip up) and I was surprised at how unattractive he looked, so that is progress at least! I like the idea of us all upgrading to kind, loving, wonderful men who are also much more handsome than our awful abusers, if and when we do decide to date again. 🙂

[cloudyday]

My abuser really rates himself in the looks department and also in bed. He stands and admires himself in the mirror. He is tall, dark and reasonably handsome but all I see now is somebody ugly because of his abuse. He decides when we have sex and if I decide Im too tired or dont want sex because of an argument he says”I dont do it for you in bed anymore, all the other women before you have said how great I am”. He really sees himself as some kind of stud. and when we do have sex I feel like I have to put on this big performance or otherwise he will sulk and say “Oh you dont enjoy sex with me anymore”. Its ridiculous.

[Author]

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