Reporting behaviour and custody

[Anonymous]

Hi all, I have a lot of thoughts going round my head and just need to get them down for clarity for myself and also if anyone has any advice.

I am getting stronger and feel that I will, hopefully someday soon, be able to ask my partner to leave my home. It is entirely mine, he doesn’t contribute in any way. During this covid-19 situation things have slowly got even worse. He is working still, mainly from home, but I am not so of course the place seems to have become a glorified hotel for him where I’m doing everything – this is not unusual in itself but the criticism is right there on the spot, relentlessly, I feel like I cannot think straight, every day I am waking up with a feel of dread as to what the day will bring. As usual, I bring up requests for money in a calm way but it’s shut down and I’m now really concerned for my finances as I have had no income for nearly 3 months personally.

During the very brief periods of time he is out at work, I have been talking to a wonderful lady from a local domestic abuse service and we have been working through Living With The Dominator book. She has expressed some serious concerns about the severity of his emotional/psychological abuse. I saw my doctor just before lockdown started and he believes I have complex PTSD which I downplay as I just can’t believe my partner has turned me into this person.

(As an aside, that book and Healing From Hidden Abuse have literally been life changing for me – to see exactly what is happening in black and white is reassuring for some reason.)

DA lady has said that if/when I feel strong enough, I could think about making a statement to the police. She has assured me they wouldn’t act on it without my say so. I feel I should do this, but I am just so frightened that he will find out. Any time there is ANY mention of custody of his kids he spirals into a panic. When we first got together there was an incident when I met his ex and she then took the kids off him. I won’t go into detail as it will be identifying but suffice to say it was “my fault” and things were horrendous. It was me, despite the fault being at his alcoholic abusive door, who was blamed – by him only. Time has gone by and his ex allowed us to have them back but I have seen letters over the years to solicitors where she has insisted I am present during contact and that has also put an added pressure on me. She knows he is an alcoholic and is in breach of a certain part of the order constantly, so feels my presence is necessary. It doesn’t make much difference though as as soon as they are here I am isolated from them, he won’t allow us to even eat in the same room, takes them out for the day without saying where they are going or inviting me, ushers them away from me. I haven’t had a confidence to speak out about this to anyone aside from DA lady and you ladies on here. It worries me how they feel though as years ago we were best friends. If there was any risk to custody, I have to be honest and admit I fear for my safety. Any tiny little thing to do with them and he is vile and snaps at me to not get involved, I’m not allowed to even sit on the sofa with them.

I just don’t know what to do. It is wrong how he is behaving, I am fully aware of this, but I am obviously extremely trauma-bonded to him and despite the fact he is horrible it scares me that he loses the kids. At the same time, if I ever get strong enough to ask him to leave, I would never want someone to go through this again with him and think for those reasons I should report. I would be scared him having them on his own too, but I guess that is up to his ex. The “wrong” things he does around them are frightening but far too identifying to write on here.

This is really long, thanks to anyone who has read it all. I would love anybody’s advice/input. x x

[KIP.]

Asking your partner to leave your home would be dangerous. He’s going nowhere unless he’s made to. The mother of his children will know from them that he’s isolating them from you. Probably so he feels in control of the situation. You need to gather a support network around you. When you have the strength to end the relationship it will be very dangerous so the best way is to wait until he’s out and change the locks and remove all his belongings to a neutral place. He’s treating you so badly. Typical entitled behaviour from an abuser. Once he’s gone and you’re safe, then you could report the abuse to the police. It’s often necessary to involve the police so please don’t hesitate to do this, they will keep you safe and he cannot bully them x as for allowing access by their mother, that’s for her to decide. Just look after yourself x

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