Reporting non-violent abuse – what happens?

[lonelyandconfused]

Does anyone have any experience of reporting non-violent abuse to the police? What happens? My GP is aware but not fully understanding the situation therefore not as supportive as I hoped.

[Twisted Sister]

its hit and miss i’ve found. You might get one that understand and another that doesn’t and i would encourage you to be very prepared for the negative reaction in case thats the one you get as it can rock your world all over again if you’re not prepared to not be taken terribly seriously, or invalidated.

i don’t want to report the violence to myself and children, because of fear of it getting even worse for us all, so i did the minimum possible to get a non-molestation order, and i found that hard enough, but it was ordered on the basis of that.

Do get a GP that can support you though. you really need one that understands on board, or a support worker /organisation that can help you go through the processing of it all.

warmest wishes and strength for your next steps xx

[Nina]

My ex got so bad that I had to phone the police. I really though he’d kill us. He was charged for that attack and found guilty. During the process I had amazing support from IDAS and they made me realise how serious the mental abuse was. Once he was gone it was like a revelation each day as in how he’d treated us and how I’d blamed myself. He was then charged and sentenced with cohersive behaviour. The police were all fantastic and I was believed. For me that was everything after being told for years by him, that I’d imagined things or over reacted. Was too sensitive, unstable and psychotic. I can’t fault the support they all gave me and I will always be grateful.
It was still far from easy though. Court was terrifying, everyone was kind but just being in the same building as him had me throwing up before I went in.
I had to leave my old home, life, job and he still claims his innocence. All of our old friends believe him and how he’s in fact the poor victim. I have conversations with these once friends in my head constantly and what I’d say to them to expose his lies. Even though I’ve never actually spoken to them about any of it and never will.
If I was in your shoes I’d phone IDAS. Mental abuse for me was far worse than the physical and it’s what keeps me awake at night still. Good luck with whatever you decide and you’re stronger than you think x*x

[EeyoreNoMore]

I was out when I reported mine. I wanted to make sure it was all on record, in case his next girlfriend ever makes an application under Clare’s Law.

[Anonymous]

I am away and did report to police who made it alot worse! Sadly too many professionals think when there is no broken bones or bruises think of it as “oh it was only words then” his whole persona was one of anger over everything, to shout & scream, rant & rave, completely control & punish by silences & by using extreme fear tactics. If you start doing things in secret, terrified of doing or saying anything for fear of being misunderstood then you are not being believed by professionals & you need to find ones who realise the massive impact of non physical domestic violence & abuse. It is not just only words they use, I am a complete wreck, away but still live in fear, I think it’s only us who have experienced it who understand it fully. I truly think even professionals can’t truly know the impact of trauma unless they’ve been a victim of it, they may know the signs by seeing hundreds of patients but we are all so different & each & everyone of our stories are different. Why would any of us be crying out so desperately if it wasn’t & hadn’t been that bad, we certainly do not need further intimidation of not being believed by any professional bodies xx

[Twisted Sister]

i hope you are getting support and being believed x*x ks

[lonelyandconfused]

So I reported him to the police. The call handler was amazing, they arranged a visit from an officer the next day at a location i could get to so that my neighbours wouldn’t be alerted to anything and mention it to him. The officer was a young male, but he understood the seriousness of it and was really supportive, and got advice from colleagues when he needed it.

The following day two officers from a local domestic abuse unit came to visit. I felt like I was understood and supported and that I had done the right thing. It validated my thoughts – I know now for sure that what he is doing is unlawful and that I can choose to prosecute if I want. It gave me the strength to push forward with leaving, knowing I have their back up if I need it. It was the hardest call I have ever made, but absolutely the right thing to do.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

I’m glad you reported him to the police and got a good result. I reported my ex to the police for coercive control and harassment and they only really understood and accepted the harassment part, they said they didn’t know much about the coercive control law. Unfortunately one officer was v unhelpful and seemed skeptical of me, asked me loads of questions about my mental health and hardly any about the abuse itself, and implied that I was over dramatising my ex’s behaviour. It made me feel terrible and really silly, and even made me consider going back to my ex! Luckily my outreach worker, the helpline and abuse specialist therapist all validated me and confirmed it was abuse and I realise that I was just unlucky getting a somewhat ignorant police officer. The domestic abuse team were not available that day so I got officers who didn’t seem to understand domestic abuse at all.

I’m considering making a complaint or feeding back to them about my experience because it was pretty bad, especially the bit where they used my mental health against me, which was exactly what my ex used to do. It was like they were gaslighting and revictimising me all over again.

Hopefully with training the police will improve over time and more of them will start to understand the emotional and psychological side of abuse as well as the physical.

One positive is that they did follow up on the harassment claim and issued him with a warning, and it is all logged now, so if my ex is abusive to his future partners then there will be a record of him being like this before.

I’m glad your experience was positive, I think the key was that you spoke to the domestic abuse team who understand, it’s great that they recognised it and were able to help you, well done for having the courage to report it, it’s really quite scary.

[Anabela]

Up to the day when I said I am not moving in with him, i never had any bruise from him, and the last violent incident was ages ago and was quite minor.
When I reported to the police this incident when he beated me up and probably had intentions of killing me, I told all about our relationship and his verbal abuse. The policewoman said that I should have reported his verbal abuse earlier, because it is still abuse – coercive abuse. She was really nice and understanding. If it was insensitive police office I probably would not have gone into so much details of verbal abuse previously and only focused on the events of the attack.

[Ayanna]

I am so glad the police responded so well.
I also had great support from the police. They were the only ones who supported me.

[Author]

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