reporting

[fizzylem]

So about a month ag I tried to report but the officer didnt get it and gave me no chance to be heard, just shut me down and I quickly withdrew into myself, as my head went. I’m in one of those situations where there is no violence, its hatred and controlling abuse I’m left with. I left some years ago, but it continues thorugh my child and has got worse.

Now wondering whether I should get victim to support to come with me and speak to a higher ranked officer, as this was offered at the time.

But I also feel at the emd of the line, that I ahve nothing left in me; I have been seriously thinking about walking away from my child a lot lately, leaving her with him as I simply cant cope with it anymore. I’ve recently got a new place and do not want him to ever find out where this is. I need to keep my saftey bubble.

Best outcome would be that me and my address are kept safe undesclosed, that we use a third party for handovers, but whether I can get this I do not know. Thinking that if the police were to take me seriously, then this would help as I would know he can not come to my home and that they are aware – meaning he is aware and this is my right, I feel I need protection but there is no one, have done for a long long time. At present it feels like I am at risk of him getting things how he wants it to be in family court – I will have no choice then other than to deal with it / got hrough this hell and his lies – although I have been thinking I could just not turn up and let them get on with it – live with this outcome whatever it is, and stay away x

[fizzylem]

Bottom line I just cant live with it, him in our lives, its seriously effected my child and her behaviour and attitudes. I want so desperately to get her way from him, get protections in place for the both of us to give her the opportunty to thrive again, but I have no faith that the system will support this at all; it will acknowledge his PR – which he only uses for his own gains and for abuse, it is NEVER for our child’s benefits. It’s all just too complex and professionals don’t seem to appear to work on a deep level, or show any real understanding. They assume he is a good enough dad with rights hey x

[fizzylem]

I sometimes think my daughter would actually be better placed on one side, instead of in the middle, even if it is with a sh!t dad because this hostilty is terrible for her, even though I have no contact, his hostility continues and it continues to effect us both. I just dont know what the answer is, guess I’ll have to just presnt and see what the outcome is like us all x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear fizzylem

Hang on in there love, this sounds so tough, and you are fighting a big fight here, sometimes feeling so alone with it and not believed.

I think even with the bruises its a hard one.

We are here for you, and understand what youre saying and believe the abuse and it’s effects on you. Its classic, your reaction.

Do get as much support on side as you can, keep posting here through this, call the helpline, and yes, access victim support.

Keep your address anonymous (specific form at the local council for the electoral roll), redact it for all court business or give a third party address or do a redirection from your old address.

Make sure court are fully appraised of your protection needs as a victim of abuse, and how they must protect you and your child through contact also. This might mean using a contact centre where you don’t have to see him and it can be supervised.

Be clear with them about his behaviours, and your childs anxieties around specifics of their dynamic.

The police are often insufficiently trained to really grasp what anything except an evidenced punch in the face is, and even then wonder how tou must have provoked him!!! You couldn’t make it up that they are still so ignorant of this.

I am so sorry for your experience of trying to speak out about this to them.

Take control for yourself and decide your course of action, you know whats best for you both and it really doesnt sound like hes the best option for your childs care.

I wish you could see a programme i watched about women suffering emotionally and severely psychologically in a unit for mums, and the one really powerful comment that the lead psychiatrist made on the women and their continued active concerns and protections of their babies, despite the severe level of their suffering.

I just think you are lacking support and thats leading you to feel like this.

Keep going love,. Warmest wishes

TS

[fizzylem]

Thanks TS, I cant descibe the devastation I will feel if he does get my address, it effects everything doesn’t it, it’s my safe place, means my home isnt my safe place in the world anymore. I know he will fight me on this for sure. I also know he might never come as well, but I do know as soon as it suits him he will, because he does what he pleases everytime, what suits him, so if there is ever a time it suits him he will – cant live like that. He’s really scary and intimating when he kicks off or when rattled and I actually have to say nothing at all for this to happen, he opposes everything I say and do just to disagree with me – with no reasoning. Leaves me feeling sick. Perhaps the powers that be will see this?

The stress and distress this man has caused us both is immeasurable and on going.

Yes I am feeling unsupported atm, my solicitor never gets back to me – which only adds to the stress and worry. I’m also struggling to pull my case together, like you say, make things clear. Would help me to know if what I was doing what right – but cant get hold of the solictor. I mean I could prepare it all and he might turn round and say no we cant ask for that. Now thinking its too late to change.

I think I need to dedicate much more time to preparing, but what with looking after my child and moving home where is that time? This leaves me anxious as well hey.

I imagined because this is the biggest fight of my life, and I have always prepared and been methodical in anything I do, it would be ok as I would do the same here, but now it’s come to it my head just won’t function like it did anymore, leaves me feeling I wont be able to put it together and argue very well at all, that maybe all I have is to stand in my truth and not a lot else. Ive got so much evidence I dont know what to pull out as I dont know what I need and it all feels like too much effort trying to find out. I’m giving up aren’t I, cos I have no strength for it. I want someone to do it for me, or with me, no such person though is there, just me. Think I need to pick it all up again tomorrow and see what I can achieve, would help hey, help me to feel I’ve done a bit more x

[fizzylem]

Oh I cant tomorrow, its the leavers day and I ahve to eb there all morning, then the kids break up and she’s with me – it’s the time thing again and round I go – when can I actually get to it. Not possible without putting her infront of the xbox for hours – which also not what I want – yup, completely stretched too thinly x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi honey to go through this alone is just inhuman and disheartening. I think Twisted Sister hit the nail on the head by saying you feel like this because you lack support.
Do call Women’s Aid, Victim Support and everyone you can think of to come around and help you firstly with your move tomorrow, secondly with your case and thirdly to take your daughter off your hands for (long) while to give you some well deserved peace and quiet so you can focus on whatever you need to do and do it the way you feel most comfortable.
Give yourself space, time and support from all corners. When assisted the world and its challenges just look that much brighter and doable.
You are strong, intelligent, kind and organised, you will get through this and get a much deserved peaceful life free of abuse.
Gather support for every single step you have to take.
Do remember to take care of yourself by getting an adequate amount of sleep and keep hydrated.
Sending you lots of hugs darling and strength 💞🌸

[Twisted Sister]

Can you use your phone to jot down the highlights, or perhaps ‘lowlights’

Pick out the most recent and the most harmful, for tou and your girl.

Get a shortlist, even just one word for each incident/event.

That might not take long? You could start on then writing all the key words that relate to that event, maybe doing up to 20, without having spent hours and hours on it.

Separately you could revisit it, and note in brackets what evidence relates to each, i.e a police report, a text, a witness statement that kind of thing?

Do you have access to a printer, or could email it across to someone who does?

I would definitely be putting in writing your repeated requests for direction from your solicitor that have so far been ignored, and how this is impacting on you and your ability to prepare for your case, which in turn is impacting on your confidence and ability to make this a success for your child and you.

That the lack of response is now severely limiting the remaining time you have to prepare and is directly jeopardising your position in court.

Make it in writing, as calls are easily ignored and arent so easy to trace.

Note in your email/letter, how many times you have made contact, (notig days and times if possible).

Then you have it all documented.

The practice may allocate you another solicitor if this one is too busy to fully support you in this vital preparation.

Keep posting, and noting down your bullet points.

I know how all this can just put you into a complete freeze!

Warmest wishes

TS

[diymum@1]

rights for women have some good guidelines for preparing statements etc for court xxxx

[fizzylem]

Thanks you two, I’m feeling a bit better emotionally now, much less defeated, more just anxious, have written draft 5 of my proposal this afternoon, I think when this is ready I will attempt to contact the solictor again and keep going until I get an answer, I will be asking this q, are you too busy for me? And let him know how this is effecting me. I could easily count up the times I’ve made contact as it’s on my mob and email – good idea.

I think if I can get my proposal agreed with the solictor, then I can start to put together my evidence. I have been able to get most of the evidecne in some sort of order at least. But need to print off emails and that will take me a while to go through, select and print each, goes back over years and is on two pcs – one of which is currently in a box somewhere due to being in temp accomodation for the last year?! Wish I had a PA, or even better a legal PA! Lol. Thanks for responding x

[diymum@1]

the law society can give you advice too if the solicitor is taking an age to get back xx

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