11th December 2020 at 4:38 am #117577
Hi please can anyone help. I can’t sleep and feel sick. I’m scared to say too much but basically has anyone had things reported to the police by a support organisation? No children at home and ex has left but they think he’s a risk. I don’t want him arrested. He has something over me and will get revenge. Has this happened to anyone else? Will the police just do a welfare check on me or will they arrest him without talking to me first. I’m feeling sick about it all.
11th December 2020 at 6:14 am #117578KIP.Participant
It’s really unusual for a support organisation to report to the police without your permission. If they feel your life is in danger then I believe they have a duty to report and this should have been explained initially. So I don’t know the details but can you ask this organisation what their intentions are.
11th December 2020 at 8:19 am #117588
Trying not to say too much. Scared they’ll see this and get offended or annoyed. They’ve been so good to me.
It’s a refuge. It’s if I go home. He’s left but still has a right to live there. I don’t think he’ll come back. I’m ok to talk to the police for a safety check but can’t have him arrested.
11th December 2020 at 1:43 pm #117601KIP.Participant
If he’s not there you can put some things in place like an occupation order or a non molestation order. Things that ensure your safety but also show you’re taking his threat seriously. Women’s aid might be able to help you with this or you can get some free legal advice from Rights of Women. I’d make sure he has no legal right to return to the home beforehand. You can ask them for their help and it’s upto you if you report him but I’d definitely call 999 if he turns up at your home. Abusers are always threatening us, it’s how they control us.
9th January 2021 at 12:53 am #119421
Hi Kip. Thanks so much for replies xx
Sorry I didn’t reply. Didn’t come back until today. Felt too hopeless and scared refuge will see this and angry. Seems like I’m moaning about them but it’s me, not them. Not coping with it. Covid worries, and find some of the rules hard. Some are triggering as it feels like control.
Occupation order no good. Legal advice place think too long since saw him in person. No recent evidence for legal aid or court. Refuge not happy anyway. They’re saying risk if he knows address.To top it off I miss him and don’t really want to go legal. They think he’s worse then he is. I know what that looks like as if I’m kidding myself.
Struggling in refuge. Missing home. It feels so far away. Today they started talking about moving me on round here. I should be grateful for somewhere but scared about feeling too isolated. Long waits with home council and haven’t even applied yet but could go home whilst waiting.
I lost all my friends but one suddenly got in touch yesterday. Thinking of moving to her council but don’t know if I can apply for housing there. I want to be near friends if it’s possible.
9th January 2021 at 7:33 am #119424
Ah, he knows where you are. I can see why the refuge are not happy. I’m assuming there are other frightened women in the same refuge and obviously their safety will have been jeopardised too.
9th January 2021 at 9:34 pm #119495
Hi sorry. No he doesn’t know where I am. He doesn’t know refuge address. I meant he knows the address where I was before. Our old flat. We were living together but he’s left there now. I want to go back.
9th January 2021 at 9:38 pm #119496
You want to go back to him, is that what you mean? It’s a little confusing to know what is going on and follow the thread.
9th January 2021 at 10:35 pm #119506
Sorry. I’m a mess tonight.
I wanted to go home although now Covid is so bad I’m scared to travel. He’s already left. He’s not living there anymore but refuge think it’s still a risk because he’d know where I was. They also don’t believe he’s left but I know he has. I don’t think it’s a risk because he won’t travel during Covid.
Separately, I want to be back with him but don’t think he wants to. I think he will want me back but not yet. It will be when he thinks I’ve moved on.
9th January 2021 at 10:39 pm #119508
It’s ok, I remember being where you are now. I understand. I think my love, you are feeling so vulnerable right now that all you want and can think about is home. Is that how you’re feeling?
9th January 2021 at 11:16 pm #119514
I feel like I don’t deserve your replies.
Yes I feel so desperate to go back in time. I feel the same way now as I did after bust ups with my ex. He’d sometimes storm out and stay away for a few days but in the end always came back and comforted me. When I’m this upset and scared normally he’d comfort me, he’d be sorry, he’d hug me, made me feel safe. He’d never let anyone else hurt me. He was very protective.
I’m dreaming about my flat. It wasn’t perfect but it was my safe space. I had a lot of freedom because he went away a lot for work. It all feels so scary now. I don’t know where I’m going to end up living or even if I’ll have anywhere. (detail removed by Moderator) I feel like home was a safe warm place. I had everything. I’ve left it all behind. I miss having someone with me on my side. He hurt me but was always sorry. I provoked him and would never ever do that again. (detail removed by Moderator) I want to go back to how it used to be. I’m used to it and know what to expect so could manage the situation. I feel like I’m being a sulky child having a tantrum but I can’t forgive the staff (detail removed by Moderator). It’s shattered my trust. I’m on edge already feel sick about tomorrow’s check. When I get into this state usually I’ll sleep innit and start again the next day. When I wake up tomorrow I’ll have to spend the day waiting for them to knock, on edge all day. I feel sick and it’s my fault for leaving him.
9th January 2021 at 11:44 pm #119516
There is a very wise lady on this forum who says ‘they throw us off the cliff, only to rescue us at the bottom’. Yes I remember that intense desire to be back with him after we’d had a fight or a fall out. It would turn me inside out and back round again. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, all I wanted was him and to feel close to him. And we would make up, make love and be happy for a bit. Then he would change.
You’re exactly right, my ex didn’t let anyone hurt me either. He was the only one allowed to hurt me. And hurt me he did. Lots of times. Until I thought I wanted to die and then he’d rescue me again and all would be alright in the world again, for a bit.
It’s funny isn’t it, how we implicitly trust the ones who hurt us. It’s almost like we are so used to them hurting us that we have come to expect it, that it’s normal. And in a way it is, we know the drill, we know what to expect. There is a safety in that. It’s not real safety like other people understand or recognise, but it’s an uncomfortable comfort zone sort of safety.
It’s different with strangers, it’s like we can’t trust that they are doing us any good. I mean it’s normal not to trust strangers isn’t it. But what if those strangers are actually trying very hard to help us?
I can see how hard you are fighting this. How you just want to return to your old life. Can you say why you left your old life and came to the refuge? Try not to give away too many identifying details as it’s more safe like that.
10th January 2021 at 12:17 am #119520
I’m so tired that I’m off to bed now but we’ll all be here tomorrow to chat to you x
Sleep well and don’t worry. Everything will be ok x
15th January 2021 at 12:17 am #119807
Thank u for such a lovely post xx
I felt like crying reading it. I didn’t feel up to replying but it helped me get thru the weekend. I felt so low. Bit better now but still feeling depressed. I miss being at home so much. I miss my old life. I’m dreaming of our days out together, the places we used to go. I don’t know if the pandemic is making me feel like this. Everyone’s probably missing their old lives! I feel like I need to be where is familiar. I wish I was a child again and could hide in a bedroom forever. I feel like I’ll never be safe and feel so tired of all the stress and fighting to get things sorted. I miss having someone to care about me and to care about. I’m scared I’ll end up isolated and cut off far away from home. I keep thinking about my past and feel full of regrets.
I want to apply to my home council for housing but don’t know if it’s possible. I’m getting housing benefit for my old flat but it’s meant to be if you intend to return. I’d like to return but people think it’s unsafe. For now it’s not certain how safe. A lot of the situation with my ex is on hold because of Covid. I only have 6 months to apply before losing local connection. I’m scared if I apply now they’ll stop my housing benefit. I can’t sort things out for certain yet and not ready to lose the flat. It’s so hard to make decisions. I’ll have to call the council tomorrow and I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing. My support worker can’t help because she doesn’t know the policies of my home council.
15th January 2021 at 12:28 am #119808
Deep down I know part of the reason I’m keeping the flat is nothing to do with housing. I’m clinging on to a dream of starting over with him..I sometimes think about if I had new place to live and feel a sort of terror of being all on my own. It’s stupid because I lived in fear for so long. I don’t know if I’ll feel better if I go home. I might need some familiarity and the flat might be enough without him. It’s lonely but I’ve been alone there a lot when he’s away for work. I’m considering going back and seeing how it goes. I should be safe at least whilst Covid is so bad. Ex is scared of catching it. I could apply to the council from home if I needed to with no time pressure or risk of losing benefits to pay rent whilst applying. I’m stupid because I’m also thinking about trying again with him somewhere new for both of us. I’m questioning if it was that bad. Sorry for late nite posting. It’s the hardest time at night.
15th January 2021 at 1:28 am #119811
Get some sleep my lovely x
I can see your mind is working overtime and planning all sorts of escape routes. It’s funny that now you have been given freedom you think it’s prison. When you were in your old life you thought it was prison. So what is actually freedom my love?
Stay awhile at the refuge, it’s nice to have a well earned break.
Nighty night x
15th January 2021 at 12:57 am #119810
You’re very welcome x
You’re thinking lots about lots of different things. It all feels a bit too much doesn’t it. I remember when i got myself in a lot of debt and a kerfuffle because I was in such a state. I could barely function. What I did learn about that was I could only do one thing a day. And that’s all I did, I just did one thing big thing a day, if I felt I needed a bit more time to think I took 3-4 days to do it. Yes I might have got there a lot slower than others, but who cares, I got there.
I loved my partner also, more than anything. I’d have given up everything that I was and everything I had for him to love me the way I loved him. But nothing I did or said made him love me in the same way. I tried everything and nothing worked. I do remember the good times we had, at the beach and on holiday, I remember his smile and his smell, how he made me feel like I was the only person there, but then I remember what he was like afterwards. I didn’t understand how he could be so cruel when we’d had a really lovely time, he would be all
apologetic but then he would do it again. I couldn’t really trust him even though I loved him.
It’s normal to love them still and it’s normal to want them still. But do you remember why you had to leave? It was because he was really, really nasty wasn’t it. I left because my boyfriend was really nasty too.
Talk to your support worker, she’ll understand. Even if she can’t do exactly as you want, she’ll understand you. You’re not alone lovely x
I’m off to the land of nod now but we’ll all still be here tomorrow or the next day if and when you want to talk xx
Night night x
15th January 2021 at 5:32 pm #119826EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Hi Fluffyclouds, unfortunately, no one can take this pain away from you, this pain of loss. There is no way around it, only through it. You can avoid it for awhile by going back to your old life, but worse pain will likely follow.
Most of us can’t take this pain straightaway. After all, most survivors go back to their abusers an average of 7 times. But when you are ready, face it head on, breath through it, love it, accept it. Eventually, it will let go of you.
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