repressed anger

[swanlake]

I’m having some more counselling sessions to help my recovery from abuse and have recently been thinking about anger.
Of course in abusive relationships we are not allowed to be angry whilst perpetrators are unpredictable, often furious and say that their anger is all our fault. But I feel angry that I’ve been put through so much abuse!
I’m exploring ways of expressing my repressed anger healthily. So far I’ve tried making art using angry colours like red, and I’m hoping to try writing a letter to my abusers, though not to send. I’ve also heard about the empty chair method, where you talk to an empty chair as if talking to the abuser, but the chair doesn’t get angry back and shut down your feelings of course!
I wonder if anyone is willing to share things that they have tried to help with that repressed anger?

[tiredofitall]

Hi – you’ve struck a chord with me here because I came on to rant about how my ex is texting me saying he is giving up booze and that they’ll be some emotional texts and he’s sorry about that but he can’t help it and maybe he’ll kill himself or maybe he won’t and it p****s me off.
Its the continual emotional manipulation and I just want to reply that I dont actually care anymore but instead I have to hold it all in because of the children. Meanwhile he slags me off to them all the time, saying I’m selfish for the split and that I was punching being with him. Its laughable but also so irritating and it makes me want to scream. And then on the other hand, I’m so incredibly happy with my new life away from him – its better than I would ever have imagined so I feel like I should just get on with it and not let him affect me anymore.
But you are right, so much anger. So many years of having to stay quiet and not speak your truth. To hold down your own feelings to get through. I don’t feel angry on a daily basis but if I allow myself to think about it then I do feel angry – at the injustice of that life and why me? What kind of life would I ahve had if I had met someone who was decent?

[lover of no contact]

Hi swanlake,

What helped me with my anger (and it even progressed to rage) was walking it out, or really stomping it out. Pounding the pavement, and I ended up nearly laughing at myself I was sooo angry. It felt great to be finally allowing myself to get as angry as I liked. I’d go for a walk, be pounding the pavement saying under my breath ‘ I feel soooo angry’x 100 times. This really helped me process my anger. And it had the added bonus of me getting in shape; so I was making something good come out of it, it wasn’t a wasted emotion. The other thing I’d do when the huge anger feelings would descend on me is I would attack the shower grout in the bathroom and deep clean the shower and the bathroom. Cleaning the house from top to toe is another good one as anger gave me alot of energy. I’ve heard it said that Anger is one letter short of danger so at least this kept my anger safe from me turning it in on myself and hurting myself or turning it outwards onto my children or other innocent people. I could never be angry with him as my gut knew it would not have a happy ending.

Hope that helps.x*x

[Anonymous]

Anger still terrifies me .over the years I learnt to switch off from it bcos anger only led to one thing.
Once I left it did start eating me up and was suggested to me to use an elastic band on my hand and that helped a little. Walking was also my thing .I walked 10 miles once and that seems to help .we are all different and find our own coping mechanisms.

[Atsah]

I was married for over (detail removed by Moderator) years and although i have been so called ‘free’ for many years i am still angry.he was the abuser but i am still strugging mentally and financially.life doesn’t seem fair when he has a lovely house with no mortgage, big car, retired early.i struggle with money every month,still working, in a small flat,had to take out a mortgage later in life so won’t be paid off until i am (detail removed by Moderator)! That was only because he refused to leave the house and we were continually in court which cos me (detail removed by Moderator)..i am angry and bitter that he has taken away the majority of my life and i am still suffering with my mental health and PTSD..where is the justice? Only way i can deal with it is by just keeping busy and doing crafts which is the only time i truely relax.these (detail removed by Moderator) should pay for what they have done to all of us changing our lives forever.Ranting also makes me feel better!!

[swanlake]

Thanks for all replies. I enjoy arts, crafts, walking etc and have an active job so it sounds like I’m on the right track to getting that anger out now that I was not allowed to express in the past by abusers. And feeling angry now that they were so inhumane. But apparently I was a bully and had an attitude problem and a chip on my shoulder!
I’ll have a chat with my counsellor about it whilst I’ve got them for the next couple of weeks.

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