Reproaching myself for not recognising the emotional abuse.

[Copperflame]

Hi Ladies,

I’ve had no contact with my abusive ex-friend since I last posted about it on here, but I’m still feeling upset by it all and am kicking myself for taking so long to recognise that this friend was emotionally abusing me. To be fair to myself, I think that if she’d been a man I would have recognised the signs of abuse because my ‘red flag’ radar would have been switched on, but because this was a female friend who’d also experienced DV, it never even occurred to me she could be abusive herself. So my ‘red flag’ alert wasn’t even activated.

Yesterday, I re-read the barrage of messages she sent me after I told her I wanted to end the friendship. They were full of accusations and blame and full of emotional blackmail. She was twisting everything I had said and denying things she had said to me, yet she was ignoring salient points I’d made and then accusing me of things I hadn’t even done!

I certainly knew how I was feeling, and yet I failed to connect the way I was feeling with being emotionally abused. She was very contentious and argumentative and after every encounter with her I felt negative and drained – exactly the way I used to feel after arguments with both of my abusers, yet I still failed to make the connection. I can recognise now that she was gaslighting me and playing mind games in a very similar manner to abuser number 2 and triggering the same sort of feelings in me, yet still I didn’t recognise it was abuse. I had also identified that she was severely self-absorbed and devoid of empathy, which are the same characteristics displayed by abusive men, and now looking back I can’t believe I still didn’t identify it. I often has a sense that she was scoffing at me and mocking me, which made me feel the need to justify and explain myself to her – again this is exactly how I felt with my abusive partners, this need to explain and justify myself.

Well I on the positive side I did eventually recognise the abuse and have terminated the friendship, but I’m still annoyed with myself for taking such a long time to realise she was abusing me. She was someone who latched on to me and I never particularly liked her – in fact I used to feel dread whenever I saw she’d sent me a message so I don’t feel any urge to contact her. There are no good times to remember unlike with my two abusive partners. Nevertheless I feel badly affected and very upset over what has happened, and still very upset by all the abusive messages she sent me when I ended the friendship. I feel stupid, humiliated and made a fool of for being taken for a ride.

Thanks for listening

[KIP.]

Hey, it’s called ’emotional abuse’ for a reason. Get rid of all the old texts so you’re not tempted to read them and upset yourself over them. I look at my emotional abuse as a lesson learned and it took me three decades. So don’t be so hard on yourself. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. It’s her with the problem not you ❤️

[Copperflame]

Thanks KIP, I have now archived the messages although haven’t deleted them yet, just in case she starts harassing me. I’ve blocked her and heard nothing more so hopefully it will stay that way. As you rightly say no experience is wasted if you can learn from it, and I think what I’ve learned from this is that female friends can be emotionally abusive as well as male partners, which is something I’d never even considered before now. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced before and hope I don’t again. Put it down to life experience I think!

[Anonymous]

Please do not blame yourself for not recognising this as abuse. These people are so manipulative that its not always obvious what their game is. I am sure that actually, you were intent on being a good friend and so trusted her to do the same.

I find it awful that she is a victim of this and yet chooses to do this to other people. I am not defending her, but maybe she is lashing out following what she has experienced?

Please be kind to yourself

TTMO xx

[Serenity]

Don’t beat yourself up.

It’s hard for us to believe that the people we know are capable of such things.

You did recognise it in the end. Your radar is getting more sensitive to abuse, and this will stand you in better stead for the future. X

[Author]

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