Resentment

[Bestchance07]

Hi Ladies,hope you are all well.
So I have been out now for a little while, I have
got into my rhythm. The kids are settled and our home is cosy and safe. I have been able to go outand socialise with friends a little bit and find my feet in the world. I genuinly feel so relaxed, so happy.
My ex is now dating again and has a shiny new girlfriend who he has made the mistake of introducing to our youngest. Far too soon for the youngest and he is expecting youngest to keep it a secret from the eldest who is going through a few issues at school at the moment.
Having my own place meant I found it easier to speak up and tell him this is wrong. I am fine for him to move on but involving the kids at this stage is too soon. Let alone burdening one with a huge secret.
He apologised and admitted that was a mistake but he is still refusing to tell the eldest. I am now in a dilema as to whether to say something myself. Said child is early teens.
I was doing ok but now feel this resentment that 1. he has a shiny new partner (who I know he will eventually wear down and abuse!) who is an acquaintance of mine and with whom we have lots of friends in common. (Detail removed by moderator).
2. I am yet again left to sort out the mess he has made of a situation
3. That I am doing this alone. I am lonely too! I am busy and happy yes, but actually I would like some companionship! I am the only single person in my circle of friends. I do have a male acquaintance who I am working on building a firm friendship with in hope it will lead to more, but we are both keeping each other at a distance as we both need to heal. It is a mutual thing but finding it frustrating that it is going slowly now the ex has moved on, whereas before it wasnt an issue
Any advice greatfully received.

[Lisa]

Dear Bestchance07,

Thanks for posting. The resentment and frustration you feel are justified, as you say you are having to sort out a very sensitive situation that he has caused. The decision is yours to make, but I can say that children do tend to appreciate honesty. You know your child the best, trust your instinct on what you think would be best for them.

Family Lives have a very informative website you could have a look through, and provide a live chat service and helpline for parents; it might help to talk it through.

I’m sure some of our supportive community will be along soon with their thoughts

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Bananaboat]

In my experience these men can’t be alone and can’t parent alone, so tend to get into relationships especially bringing the child into the mix really really quickly. So don’t feel bad about your own time of being by yourself. Could you ask the teen how they’d feel if their dad was dating and would they want to meet her – this keeps it vague but also gives the teen the chance to say ‘mum I already know’. Being a teen they might clam up but just opening that door to say we can talk if you want was a big help to mine. As you say it’s not fair on the younger child to expect them to keep a secret and I suspect is a cruel tactic of the ex, whether naively or done directly it causes a rift and treats you all differently. Take the opportunity to ask how they’d both feel if you started dating too, don’t underestimate their feelings after all you guys have been through. Good luck x

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