Rewriting History

[Alone]

I find myself constantly trying to rewrite history, to blame myself for what happened in my life, and the relationship I had with my family. I’ve been getting flashbacks, both to my mum’s death and the funeral, and to abusive situations between us. I find myself thinking that it was all a misunderstanding, that we never saw things from each other’s point of view, and never tried to resolve it. I start to think along those lines, but then another part of me remembers how much I DID try, I always tried to talk to her, and the words I used were always later used against me. I remember how she treated me, and threw me out when I was being bullied at work and had no income… and that no mother should act that way. That example is the only thing that starts to sway me away from blaming myself.

I believe that if I don’t ignore my thoughts and feelings and actually deal with them, this will be the last time I have to go through all of this. That hopefully things will slowly improve, and get better. So I do have some positive thoughts about all of this.

But the positivity can get overshadowed by a setback, and one of those is that my new ‘friends’ have already given up on me. I know some of you say I shouldn’t attempt to have friends, but I need more in my life than just work and sitting at home. Having people to have a laugh with, and get out with keeps me motivated and shows me the kind of life I want to be living. I don’t believe I can get through this alone (and I don’t necessarily mean receiving any help from friends, just hanging out etc). In fact, the more I am alone, the more I am struggling. Last week, I spent three days in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom. I have never done such a thing before. If I’m not at work, I’m in bed. I have two invitations that I am seriously considering declining, because my bed is rapidly becoming my comfort zone, and that’s not me at all. I’m someone who usually jumps up and goes out when I’m feeling low, but right now I can’t even bring myself to do that. I don’t want to be someone who people walk all over, but I find it difficult to know when people are playing me for a fool, or if I’m being oversensitive. Before my mum died, I didn’t let anything or anyone bother me, I had my goals to focus on, and things were going great. People responded well to me. But since she died, I find myself a mess of confusion and back in a state of hypervigilance. I believe that hypervigilance creates a vicious cycle, as it causes suspicion and mistrust, and overthinking.

But aside from all of that, I feel like someone who no one wants in their lives. My family have re-disowned me, now that all the documents and my mum’s affairs are sorted. People who said they were here for me and want to stay in touch are now ignoring me, and I’m in a new job where I’m not being taken seriously (and I’m not in the right frame of mind to prove myself) and where I am surrounded by strangers, and I feel too low to try to make connections with anyone, because it always leads me back to being hurt and alone. It all makes me feel like my family were right about me, that it’s all my fault, that I am a monster and I feel like I’m on a precipice of either blaming myself and giving up on myself, or breaking free and finally living my life.

I don’t know which way it will go. I’m so tired of all of this.

[Serenity]

It must be very difficult for you.

Although I would say that my childhood was abusive in some ways, I had enough good influences and positive relationships with some family members to give me some sense of Ludo rice identity, though when the bad stuff happened, my very identity felt threatened.

Then I met my abuser husband, and was with him for many years, and the abuse was cleverly executed. My very identity felt destroyed, and it’s been a struggle to get it back again.

I can understand that if you had your mother treating you badly right from early on in your life, to overcome such feelings must be very difficult.

However, I do believe that you can overcome them, Alone.

Whether you believe your mother is watching over you or not, the fact is that you are a powerful force within yourself.

I think what holds us back from
Healing and accessing freedom and happiness and peace is ys somebow believing our abuser’s twisted belief that we deserve to suffer, and don’t deserve happiness. But it’s not true.

I think deep counselling about your childhood experiences and getting back to the basic question, did I deserve this abuse/ Am so worthwhile, needs to be something you need to really attack. You didn’t deserve it, and yes you are worthwhile.

you have a purpose in this life, and you deserve to find a way of overcoming your pain.

I think that-like many of us- you have been left with a very erroneous view of yourself- that you somehow deserved what happened to you, and should be feeling some kind of guilt or responsibility. But that’s not true.

Real progress in my healing has come at times when I have really internalised ” I didn’t deserve this.” There needs to be that major shift in a victim’s mentality, or they won’t heal.

Your mum didn’t abuse you because of who or what you are. She abused you because she was weak and very mixed-up.

People who don’t know the facts will
come out with statements that really don’t fit your situation, or even trigger you. I try to imagine a plastic bubble around me, that it’s a protective layer, telling myself that certain comments from people. Any touch or affect me, and will just bounce off me.

[Serenity]

I mean won’t touch or affect me

[SaharaD]

Not re-writing. Writing a new chapter, a new book. it’s only been a few months. Think about how long you have been on the forum.

You have a long way to go in terms of recovery and being happy. It’s been a few years and i’m still not fully happy but i’m certainly way more happier than I was three month after I left!

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I suspect it’s a habit. at some point you have to love and believe the amazing person that you are.

[Author]

Posts