Right to challenge?

[Whichway]

I am in a controlling and coercive relationship. When I think about challenging him though I often feel bad as we have been married now for many many years and this behaviour has been pretty much since day 1. How I let it happen, I really don’t know, it is hard to believe now. How can I suddenly change the dynamics of our relationship now after so long? We have ‘agreements’ in place which how can I now break even though I don’t think they are fair?
I work in a pretty much male oriented environment, in an office with only men. I have no issue with this at all but my husband constantly thinks I am out to become friends with my colleagues. He has no genuine interest in my work there and I rarely talk about it with fear that he will pick up on any detail to use in any future arguments/discussions. If meetings are held in restaurants, then I am socialising. I assure him I am not socialising and that it is only work. I actually can’t see a problem with me socialising with them anyway, is that right? Obviously as long as I don’t do anything untoward. I have been invited out for a (detail removed by moderator) Meal with all my office and another office which we work closely with….all men. He will be furious if I want to go but I feel I should to show I am part of the team. What do I do as I will be going back on our ‘agreement’??

[KIP.]

You shouldn’t have an agreement that prevents you from being who you are and doing what you want to. That’s controlling behaviour. No doubt you were coerced into the agreement in the first place. It doesn’t matter what you do, he will simply abuse you over something else. Ask yourself why you want to stay in a controlling relationship? A partner is supposed to encourage us in life, to trust us and be happy when we thrive and improve ourself. An abuser will always do what he can to hold us back, to stunt our growth and destroy our happiness. Please speak to your local women’s aid. You didn’t allow any of this. Abuse is insidious and creeps up. Before long I was unable to work because of his jealous controlling behaviour I lost friends at work and he isolated me. Abusers want us dependent on them, mentally, physically, financially and will do what he can to destroy our ambitions. That’s not love or caring x

[Dragon]

You absolutely have a right to say you don’t think that the agreement is fair. It doesn’t sound fair to me. I would say the same as Kip, anything ylthat he is stopping you doing that is ‘you’ is not fair. Socialising with your colleagues is part of work and even if it wasn’t you would be entitled to socialise with them! I would be worried about how you approach this discussion with him in case he gets violent though? Is that a possibility?
Xx

[Aida]

Hi, this is very similar to what I am going through. I have been with my soon to be ex for half my life, most of that has been spent being a full time working mother running myself ragged to do school runs and manage homework all within condensed hours because he would never support me with this. Now the children are teenagers and independent I have been able to find the person I have been held back from being – getting qualifications, changing my career and most recently landing a super job in a great company with people that are teaching me and enabling me to flower. In the time his behaviour has escalated- I have been accused of putting my job first, buying knew clothes, looking after myself more – even plucking my eyebrows! I have been in business meals because it forms part of my job (and more than ever I need to show willing in a new job). Each time I have come home to abhorrent abuse. It only escalates- and the more you try to appease the more power you give him. It becomes unbearable to a point where this person inside is screaming to get out. Stand your ground, it’s not easy but it is self preservation- otherwise you will become a sad shadow (not of your former self but rather the person you want to be), an existence. It gets lonelier and lonelier. X*x

[Whichway]

Thank you all for your wise words. I am building a diary of the cycles and I am sure there will come a time at some point I’ll find the strength and courage to say Ive had enough. We have a big extended family holiday coming up soon which we are having to plan together so will have to get through that one first before any action. But at least your replies on here are helping me build a picture of what’s right and wrong. And also that I have a right to feel how I do. Thank you so much for being there and taking time to reply xx

[Anonymous]

You should be able to socialise with work colleagues men or women. I used to have a lot of people I used to work with that I socialised and became to call friends. I currently have been left in the situation we’re I literally only have 1 person that I can call a friend and this is somebody from my childhood. Everyone I have build a friendship up with my whole life is gone all down to my ex and his controlling behaviour. I remember early in the relationship he had an issue of me goin out one night with her and her sister I wasn’t out late and had maybe 3 drinks but from that point my best ever friend became someone that I only see even now maybe every 6 months. I have now split from him and feel like I have nobody but my mum and my son. Don’t let him take your work colleagues/friends away from you it was a very lonely mistake I made.

[Whichway]

So the outcome of this is that I didn’t make the meal. The night before he asked if I was going and I said I ought to. Apparently this is crossing the line. A few years ago I would have reluctantly agreed but I stood my ground and explained that I have educated myself and this agreement is not right or fair. His response was that this is the end of us then andhe would find somewhere to move out to. I agreed (removed by moderator) he started on it again and told me that he is sure there would be very few men who would be happy for their wife to go out on a Friday night with a group of male colleagues. We were going out at (removed by moderator). I disagreed but due to all this upset said I wasn’t going to go anymore anyway. I didn’t have the energy anymore. A little later he came to me and askedwhat time I was going to the meal. I again said I wasn’t going. He offered to drop me off and pick me up. My response was stop messing with my head, I’m not going. He replied with I’ve offered. Did he change his tune or manipulating me??? He is now acting as if nothing has happened.

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