25th January 2020 at 10:47 pm #96488JustholdingonParticipant
Every time I feel like things are on an even keel, I get rocked and the storm starts all over again.
I’m feeling unsettled and afraid, because I have to ask him for something. Life would be so much easier if I just became a yes woman, said yes to all his requests and never asked for something he doesn’t want to give me.
I left so long ago and his control of my mind continues! Why am I so weak that he affects me like this?
26th January 2020 at 2:08 am #96491fizzylemParticipant
Can relate JHO, try not to beat yourself up about this, this stick you can put down; you’re in challenging situation, he is a high conflict parent so anything you need from him will always be a challenge, in fact calling it a challenge is not really accurate is it, it’s impossible because he’s impossible, he doesnt want to give you what you need here, he wants to make life difficult; and you know this and this is is why you feel the way you do – the angst and the dread.
Can you word what you need from him using reverse psychology? I found this to work a couple of times – made me laugh no end when he argued and told me what he wanted and this was exactly what I wanted too, maybe think about what he will likely say and work backwards from this, while also thinking how can I get him to where I need him to be?
Or rather than ask a direct question needing a yes or no response, I’d ask an open question e.g. what would you like to do here? Then box him in with the following email in a response to close it, ok she cant do then but can do this day and that day, usual pick up and drop off times on those days then, thanks.
If I needed his consent, I’d draw from knowing he is power crazy, so I’d play to this, give him this so I could get the consent, would you be able to consent to this please? If he replied no I’d ask can you explain your reasons clearly then please, if he didnt respond then fine.
Makes no difference to me now days how he feels or what he thinks or what he does, as I can see now that all I needed to do was ‘have a go’ at getting what my child needed. Took me years of angst, dread, stress and distress to get to a point where I realised this, that I’ll do whatever I need to do however he responds.
Like you I knew that he was never going to change and it was never going to get any easier, but then I realised the power I have is in knowing this.
I have no contact now and go through a third party for most things, sadly its the only way, emails are rarely needed now but I feel I can manage them now, theyve shown me I can remain polite and respectful at all times reagrdless of how he behaves, and I feel good about this, if he’s awful I dont rise or respond, it can sometimes hit yes, but thats all it does, i take the hit then breath it out, may even take a day or so to decide how to respond if a response is needed; I also know he has nothing on me he can use against me because of how Ive dealt with his emails as well – because they like anything they can use against us right? So I’ve given him nothing.
I noticed the other day there is a company now providing an email service for parents in our situation, could google it, ‘seperated parents email service for high conflict parent’ or something like and it might come up. If he knows his emails are going through a third party do you think this might change how he replies? Make him think a bit? Might be worth looking into.
A big turning point for me was letting go of the fear, seeing it for what it is, that he will always be a high conflict parent, then setting up a system to communicate knowing this. Also, knowing his rights, mine and my childs helped. You only need to communicate with him adequately to show you understand and respect he has PR, but yes, the difficulties come when you need to raise a question for sure.
I try to take the view he plays it how he likes and will, I’ll do what is needed whatever this is, if he wants to carry on and be pathetic or try and cause problems, this is just more rope he’s making for himself and stuff I can use to show the person he is when the time comes. I’m thankful in a way I persevered as they can now be used as evidence. But yes, for a long time I have had to deal with them, receive them, remind him of the boundaries placed on them to enable it’s use, but I have done this while thinking to myself carry on if you like, more rope – turns out he made his own noose x
26th January 2020 at 11:58 am #96499JustholdingonParticipant
Thank you for responding. You give some good advice. My problem is that I’m sent back to my state of trying not to exist so I don’t have to deal with him.
26th January 2020 at 1:25 pm #96500fizzylemParticipant
Don’t deal with then JHO, take the time you need, you sound worn out with it and him, rest, put him out, foucs on you and what you need. One foot forward when you can manage it hey x
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