Rollercoaster

[Newgirl]

Morning all
So I have had (detail removed  by moderator) days of pleasant behaviour purely because on (detail removed by moderator) he asked me (detail removed by moderator) if I wanted to be with him, I had no choice but to say yes as I couldn’t just up and leave (detail removed by moderator) and I’m sure he knew that! So (detail removed by moderator) days ok then back to mind games back to the comments. I used to go upstairs after tea and watch my programmes and actually relax a bit but he now likes to put on things so I stay downstairs (all control) (detail removed by moderator) when I said (detail removed by moderator) he snapped (detail removed by moderator) I wanted to scream yes!!! But of course I said no! It makes me feel so weak
However on a positive I did manage to make a walk in appointment with a female doctor to increase my meds to help me get stronger huge step as first professional I have told x

[Bananaboat]

Well done for making the appointment. Sadly you’ve hit the nail on the head about controlling your tv time, mine did exactly that, I wasn’t allowed to watch what I liked (unless he was in the mood to constantly criticise it), had to watch his dull choices but all while he watched things on his tablet. If I tried to go to another room it started horrible comments and accusations. I hope you find the strength to be free xx

[Newgirl]

Thank you so much for your reply I know it sounds stupid but it’s everything isn’t it that just gets you down x I don’t understand why we cannot watch what we want when we want without comments or atmosphere time on my own is when I manage to rebuild slightly x

[Bananaboat]

I started to enjoy my own time more and more and like you say, rebuild. This made me realise I hated evenings and weekends, one of many things that made me say enough. xx

[Newgirl]

So true I think if you would rather be on your own that says it all x have you managed to get out?

[Bananaboat]

Nearly! I ended the relationship several months ago, he’s refused to leave so been living in same space, but hopefully he out very soon x

[Newgirl]

Oh my word well done on ending the relationship I so need to do that x

[Feelinglikeafool]

They don’t want us to have time to rebuild/recharge because that would allow us to get better and stronger. By controlling the small things they keep us where they want us. Practise as much self care as you can.. take long baths and watch your programs on your phone, if you can?

I’m great at giving advice/seeing logic when it’s someone else, absolutely flipping hopeless when it’s myself that needs a wake up call! X

[Newgirl]

Ah bless you I think that is like many of us. It’s easier giving the advice than trying to do it. Hope you are ok tho thank you for your reply x

[Dreamingoffreedom]

I have that too, and books. Our newest thing us me getting up too early! He says (detail removed by moderator). How dare he try to control what time I get up! This morning I got up. I like to potter about, get ready, have a cuppa before work. I won’t let him control that, but he certainly spoilt it as I spend all morning thinking is he coming down? Will he be in a huff? Thinking of excuses for getting up when I do! It seems like a small thing but to me its massive.

[Bananaboat]

Omg yes, he hated me reading! I was never allowed to sleep downstairs if ill- it meant I didn’t love him and I was forced to get up and make him tea/coffee every morning even if I didn’t need to be up and I hate both drinks myself. It’s scary how similar all our experiences area x

[Newgirl]

So selfish and stop us doing anything that we may find peace in! I have the going to bed rather than morning thing but I’m sure at some point that will also be an issue x outside the house he is a nice helpful person but again that’s just a cover

[Strongenough]

This sounds familiar, I experienced the exact same. All about control and power, I literally couldn’t get 10 minutes to myself without being accussed of all sorts! I was even timed drying my hair and told I was selfish for taking too long.

[Newgirl]

Oh the accusations are unreal if I dry my hair I get asked why! If I wear any make up why? It goes on and on doesn’t it. This control over our time is awful we just need some time on our own away from it all hope you are ok thank you for posting

[nbumblebee]

Yeah i get that too. We watch what he wants and if i read or do college work he moans and accuses me of having an affair.
If im tired i cant go to bed early but if he does he accuses me again of having an affair if i dont go up with him. Its like they cant bare the thought of being away from us. Maybe they are scared that one day we wont be there??
Good for you for getting in touch with dr takes alot of courage that. Keep taking those baby steps and you will one day get to where you deserve and need to be. Xxxxxx

[Newgirl]

Oh I have those too but apparently online affair I mean why would I do that I don’t want the man I’m with why add another to the mix I know they are not all like this but it’s going to take a lot for me to even consider another man. I get questioned if I am at my dads for too long also what time did you get in that’s late for a cuppa etc. his phone goes off all the time but that’s ok! If a friend comes down I get moaned at if my mum rings I get moaned at it’s awful can’t do anything. It was hard but I need to increase my meds and they will say try cbt so I needed to be truthful to them. I hope you also get to be happy and do things for yourself as you deserve that you deserve a life without all this it gets us so low and im so pleased to have found you all here thank you so much

[Anonymous]

I had to be in bed at 10 pm with him , be fully naked in bed and only call him up once I was ready in bed , I wasn’t allowed to look at my phone after 5 pm and I have my own business which was really difficult to just ignore my phone , I was timed at how long I took to get ready , go in the bath , many , many other things to long to go into , does anyone know I’m wondering are they like this in every relationship they have or do some of their previous partners have it easier say than others have ?

[Newgirl]

Omg I’m so sorry you have to go through that! That is control and it’s not fair that you are told what to do and how long etc. I wouldn’t know about other relationships I’ve been in this one too long he had only had one relationship before this one 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Grey Rock]

I found the accusations so frustrating. And that’s what they’re designed to do. To wear us down and stop us feeling like it’s worth doing anything that might trigger that. Every time I visited my mum or went for coffee with a friend. If I got stuck in traffic or a work meeting ran late. If the queue in the supermarket was long. If I went to the gym or a class. Anything would trigger accusations. Sometimes outright, graphic and aggressive, with spittle forming round his mouth as he worked himself up. Other times just weird texts – he loved to use emojis in a bizarre cryptic way that would keep me guessing and mess with my head all day. Crazy times. And I thought it was me losing my mind.

Gah!!!

My heart aches for everyone still living with this treatment.

GR xx

[Newgirl]

That’s awful I don’t know why they do that to us. I think so it gets to the point we don’t go out but I hardly do anyway
It really does get us down and I’m so pleased we have everyone here to remind us that it’s their behaviour x thank you so much x x x

[Grey Rock]

Yes, it’s so good to have this forum to share on. I don’t like talking to friends or family about it too much. It just horrifies them at best, or they try to sooth about it which just feels like they’re minimizing my experiences. (They can’t win I suppose). Anyway, its much more soothing to be met with empathy and understanding in here.

X*x

[Newgirl]

I think that’s because we totally understand and we know how draining it is. I find family and friends question it and if I knew why then that would be half the battle! Then I also feel does that sound stupid that I’m moaning I can’t have my own time etc so I totally understand what you are saying! X sometimes we just need to get it out but having people that care and understand is amazing x always here x

[Author]

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