Rollercoaster of emotions

[Whitegoddess]

Hi Everyone,
It’s been a while since I posted on here. We are still at (detail removed by moderator). I am feeling a lot better. Not so anxious. Obviously breaking up with someone after a long term relationship where we were meant to be getting married (detail removed by moderator) is tough. You go through all the emotions!! Some days are better than others. We seem no further forward with finding a home but I’m positive for 2022.
Christmas was so much better than last year as my ex was discarding me last year so I couldn’t eat my Christmas dinner. I felt so much happier than last year!! I was around my wonderful Family!! It felt warm and peaceful!!
I’m still struggling with a few things. It’s a horrid feeling when my ex was discarding me I had a gut feeling he was cheating on me but had no proof. After we split up he moved on very quickly after a (detail removed by moderator) even though he is denying it? He loves to play the victim and said to his Family I had been cheating on him which wasn’t true!! It’s so hurtful to think of the lies he tells. We were together for such a long time and even though I know I have made the right decision it still hurts that he can move on so quickly like he never even cared about me? I feel he might of been pushing me to make a decision about our relationship because he already had this woman lined up? Obviously it’s good for me that I don’t really hear from him now other than to do with the children but it’s like he keeps questioning our girls to see if I have someone new so he can make me look like the bad person if that makes sense. I can’t wait until I don’t think of him anymore!! I know I’m so much better without him and he has got a new supply!
I don’t think he is going to agree to mediation and at the moment both the children are not wanting to stay the night at his. My older Daughter he has bullied in the past and she is worried if he has had a drink he might be mean to her? She doesn’t seem to sleep well there and phones me upset. She doesn’t feel comfortable to speak to her Dad and tell him she can’t sleep and he didn’t even check up on her? She didn’t want me to message him and tell him.
Thanks for any advice and I hope you enjoyed Christmas

[maddog]

Well done for getting out! Abusers will use the children to cause you harm.
The Court Said runs a really helpful course called Court Confidence, which lays out the kind of behaviour to expect from an abuser and how to cope with it. I wish I’d known about it sooner. Rights of Women has also been amazingly supportive, and has a fantastic website.

Please don’t go with mediation. The abuser will lie, gaslight, lie some more.

He’s abusing the children by using them as spies. Keep a log of this. There will be other instances.

Sadly no, abusers don’t do love. It’s really hard to accept that this person we’ve invested so much in really never cared two hoots about us.

Please contact your local Women’s Aid. They may offer services for children. Social Services are there to help as well. You can get information from your local domestic abuse team on 101. Schools can be very supportive and your GP will be able to hold your back.

There are lots of people to support us through these dreadful times. It’s time the perpetrator is put on the stand instead of the victim. Please also take your daughter to GP about her fears. She may not be able to articulate, but it will be on record. It is evidence.

It’s really good that you’re no contact with your ex as far as possible. My children were the same. They preferred not to stay with their dad, and they’ve both articulated that they’re afraid of him. Note how the children react to contact. Note behaviour, everything.

Never allow the children to be seen by any authority without a witness.

I’m really sorry to sound harsh. You’ve done so well to get away. Please don’t be alone in real life. It’s not your fault.

[Hopefulgreyrock]

Omg, reading you post! He sounds like the same .an. The discarding, hoovering, all those traits. Awful. Awful! I know the feeling of not been able to eat. Of knowing he got with someone but he wont say. The deceit. The betrayal and thinking and wandering was it all a lie? I feel you. I hopw my next Christmas I can eat again ans be happy around family like you.

[PuffinSpace]

Hi, I think it’s incredibly tough disentangling our minds after so many years being condition, gaslighted, controlled and abused. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years since I secretly moved out while he was at work. My life is so much better but I still struggle with managing life.

I think they keep their fingers in our mind for a while even after they’re not there anymore. Your feelings will eventually pass, OP, but give them some validity because it’s reasonable to feel like this. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi there I’m new to this and only now realising my so called toxic relationship was in fact is domestic abuse , after many several failed attempts to make this relationship work , finally hit me , hey I’m not the problem you are ! I finally had enough of this sick relationship which is totally one sided , there isn’t a thing this man hasn’t said or done to me , I’ve involved police , had him arrested numerous times and got a restraining order . My son was put on a child protection plan even though he is not my partners son and my son was never exposed to any violence etc as it was me who got all the abuse , the control , fits of rage blackmail, threatening behaviour, manipulation, plus I was enabling an alcoholic by paying for everything including his booze to abuse me . It took me months to get him out of my house as he used every tactic imaginable to frighten me so that he could stay and control me . I lived for my ex partner, had no life as I wasn’t allowed to . No friends , no family . He controlled every part of my life , how I dressed , whom I spoke to , how I spent my money , timed me in everything I did . Told me I was a loser , fat , useless , swearing at me , I had to go to bed when he said . I went back to this so many times and each time it got worse than the previous time . Worthless apologies and empty promises. I’m now one week into no contact after so many failed attempts, but this time I’m determined to be rid of this horrible excuse of a human being who doesn’t deserve me , my time or my energy any longer . To anyone out there who thinks it’s love and it’s because they love you so much they do these things or you cause them to act this way all I can say is detach as much as you can , plan ahead , there is a better life out there for you and you deserve true genuine happiness, hang in there ! Trust their actions not their words .

[Author]

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