Rough few days

[Shazza]

Hi All,
I hope everyone is as well as can be expected given what we are all going through.
It’s been a rough few days and i need a space to let it out.
Things seem to have intensified over the last few days.
I have been called alot of nasty names, hes dragged up stuff from the past in an attempt to justify calling me said names, basically told me whilst he was drunk that he wished i had ended my own life a couple of years ago. Hes walked into me so hard that i fell over. Then he laughed. Lots more has happened on top of all this. Very controlling at the moment.
Ive found this really hard to cope with. I feel like i am getting better at understanding that this behaviour isnt ok but am still struggling with it so much.
He has sulked today as my daughter requested that i take her out 1:1 for some quality time. I refused to let his sulking behaviour stop this from happening, though i then have to deal with the consequences.

Does anyone have anyone in their lives that they trust enough to talk to about this stuff? It feels so lonely all the time dealing with all of this.
More recently i have started to open up to a friend about whats happening, but i dont tell them everything as i dont want to scare them or make them worry or make it their problem. All i want to do is talk about it sometimes but i hate the thought that im then placing this burden on someone else.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Shazza

Sorry about the rough time he’s been giving you and all the controlling behaviour you’re experiencing. Its terrible walking on eggshells this way, never knowing when he might just walk into you so hard that you fall over, thats saddening to hear, but do talk about it all, as much as you can, it will really help you to work through it. At the times you can see it clearly and are able to talk, do try to connect with supportive others, here and irl to feel human again for a while! Choose carefully, as someone not understanding can seriously derail you if you are not feeling strong. Lots will say things like for instance when he walked into you, ‘oh he probably didn’t realise how fast he was going’, or ‘I’m sure he wouldn’t have meant to actually knock you over, so it wasn’t deliberate’. Everyone can make excuses, but you know whats going on and providing you have those you can trust around you do talk.

About it being a burden, again, pick carefully. Some will not deal with it well and not want to hear such painful things, others will try to help, and others are happy to hear it all and let you spill it all as much as you want as its different to trying to deal with their own problems, more distanced so easier to hear. Thats what I’ve found.

Read their responses as to how far to share, but do try to find ways to talk it over, on whatever level you can. Do you have a good relationship with your GP? Can you speak to them about how life is currently, living this way? The effects on you all?

Of course, there’s here too, where women know what you are saying without question.

Warmest wishes
TS

[Shazza]

Hi Twisted Sister,

Thanks so much for your reply.
You are absolutely right about speaking to the right people. There have been a couple of occasions where i have mentioned to others the odd thing that has happened and yes i have been told things like maybe he doesnt mean it that way, you probably just need to sit down and have a talk with him about how you are feeling etc. Whiich unfortunately doesnt help as it feels like you have built yourself up to talk to someone about it, only to then feel like actually maybe you are exaggerating the problem.
I do have one friend who doesnt do this though and is extremely supportive. I just dont like to place too much of a burden on her by divulging everything if that makes sense.

I have a new GP surgery now so dont actually know them yet.
It is good to connect with others on here who really do understand.

Thank you for taking the time to respond x

[Bananaboat]

It’s so hard isn’t it. I’ve tried opening up to friends and family but have found they either don’t get it, or don’t want to hear it which can make me feel even lonelier. I don’t know if you’re the same, it sounds like you might be but I don’t want to tell someone everything because I know deep down the way they’ll react and I’ll be told I’m crazy to stay but it’s not that easy to just pack a bag and go. These forums are a godsend when you need to talk, for support the chat facilities here and at refuge have been great. Lots of ppl on here talk about counselling but I’ve not taken that step yet to comment. I guess it’s really hard talking to anyone who hasn’t been in the same boat but you’re not alone! And I’ve found the more I tell friends and family little snippets the easier it gets to say more.

[Shazza]

Hi Bananaboat,
Yes i know what you mean. I think to myself that if i tell people they will think im crazy for not having left already. There are just so many barriers to leaving and like you say it isnt that simple.
There is also the self doubt that i find creeps in often. I will have days where i feel i know indeserve better and that this is wrong, and then other days where i find myself feeling like maybe it isnt as bad as i think and i should just carry on.
Thank you for responding, it really is helpful to speak to others that understand x

[Twisted Sister]

yes, it really is hard, and thats why it matters so much to be careful about who you open up to, and when there’s limited opportunity to open up and connect on that level about the real pain in your life, it does feel very lonely.

I think part of the growing through it is also realising the amount you know and how you become to rely on yourself and your own instincts more. So, like you’re saying that you don’t want to tell someone because deep down you know their reaction will be so unhelpful to you, as they don’t understand. Tbf, it does take a lot of understanding, domestic abuse can be very complex to fathom! yes, being here and reading it over, mulling it around when looking at what other women are writing and experiencing you come to see how similar all the patterns are, how familiar the tactics of other perpetrators, and the affect it has on the women writing their experiences and their reactions, and it makes a lot of sense. This isn’t something widely acknowledged in society, or widely understood, but anyone else whos been through it will understand, and some do the mental work of trying to understand it, because they’re a woman maybe, or have others they know suffering it.

Personally, no, I’ve never found it easy to make sense of and work through, although it makes a lot of sense hearing others’ stories, but then thats also something that all feel, its harder dealing with your own stuff than helping others with theirs! Its common to move in and out of it making sense, self-doubts, and the poor self-talk that can develop after years and years of abuse.

I hope you find here helpful for talking, and maybe someone irl too

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