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    • #65227
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      I had a really difficult week. Ended up ringing Samaritans about 4 times and spoke to 4 different people, as I kept feeling like I was going into a mental health crisis with severe depression. I’m so grateful that Samaritans exist and places like this forum exists.

      I’m dealing with getting over an abusive relationship which ended last year, and also familial abuse. I finally built up the courage to ring the helpline about my family. I was worried thinking they’d say I was time wasting but they said it was abusive controlling behaviour. They told me to contact my local women’s aid so I did. The woman on the local women’s aid helpline was really nice and also agreed it was abuse. She took lots of details and referred me to my local outreach.

      Unfortunately that’s where it ended. I had an outreach worker last year who was initially good but then seemed to get irritated by me. I rang and asked if it was possible to be referred to a different worker as I didn’t want to be placed with someone who clearly didn’t like me.

      A different outreach worker then rang me back and I could just hear the scorn and dislike of me in her voice. She was so patronising. She basically said that I was probably imagining sexual abuse from my father, after I’d previously given examples of actual things he has done over the years (not necessarily sexual abuse but sexually inappropriate, boundary violating creepy behaviour). She said they’d already supported me last year implying I was not welcome to support anymore. She even basically said that she didn’t think I was experiencing abuse from my family and said I needed to contact other organisations instead like about finances. She was implying I hadn’t contacted certain organisations for help when I’ve spent the past year+ trying to access various support, usually to be put on a waiting list or told they can’t help me due to lack of resources.

      Her voice was dripping in scorn. She made me feel so angry and disgusted. I just gritted my teeth because I think they have already written me off as a ‘difficult person’ so if I got angry and challenged their decision it would have just confirmed that in their eyes.

      What I don’t get is that two other women who work in this field believed me and said it was abuse but she decides it isn’t so that means I don’t get any support? It seems like such a lottery. Some of these women are angels but others are absolutely awful, power-hungry n*********s.

      Honestly I wouldn’t want support from them after this. Her behaviour reminds me of my family – patronising, invalidating, not believing me, questioning everything I say, implying I’m difficult then acting all sickly sweet. She had the nerve to text ‘take care of yourself’ after refusing me any sort of support and basically insulting me down the phone. I felt enraged by her. I can barely recall the phone-call without feeling extremely angry about how unpleasant she was. I’m struggling with anger at many things, mainly my family as I piece together my past, but when people treat me like this I could just scream.

      In fact one day I lost it and screamed in my car so loud I hurt my voice and had a sore throat for a few days. It was really not a good way of dealing with the anger but sometimes I just don’t know what to do and how to handle it?

      I’m thankfully finally getting counselling. I had to wait over a year for it and only have a few sessions. The counsellor seems ok and understands abuse and trauma. It’s a step in the right direction but I feel like it’s not enough sessions? I hate the way there are so many people needing support and everywhere is so underfunded, it’s so depressing.

      Otherwise I’m just so lonely. I don’t like to join too many groups because I feel like I often meet abusers, manipulators, rude loud people, bossy controlling people, judgemental or offensive people and it’s honestly so hard and tiring dealing with people like this especially when I already feel vulnerable. A woman I’ve only met twice whose often quite rude and flippant towards me tried to bully me into sharing her allotment with her this week, basically so she wouldn’t have to do any of the hard work. I declined but it’s draining that there’s a lot of these sort of people out there. Bullies. It’s been really hard meeting any good, kind, genuine people.

      Today I went for a country walk alone. It was ok, peaceful, but lonely. I went to the pub alone afterwards but left before ordering. I hoped I could get a coffee and read my book but it was too busy and I felt too self conscious as a woman alone and like people were staring at me. But then I think, what am I supposed to do, just stay in my house because I’m single and alone most of the time? I don’t want to do that but struggle in such a couple and family-oriented society when I’m trying to heal from both an abusive relationship and familial abuse.

      I am dreading Christmas and have been thinking about ways to cope with it. I’m thinking maybe a volunteer project but last year it was hard to find anything.

      Thanks for listening.

    • #65238
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      I am so glad you posted, I can say from my experience and hearing others that you are certainly not alone, despite how you feel.

      You have suffered so much, and you deserve kindness, support and understanding. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, but there is certainly amongst some an issue with women expressing anger at how they’ve been treated, I am thinking police and ss particularly not allowing a woman to express herself, which is very different t being abusive.

      You are so very clear about so many things and I really hope that you do feel some relief at having given yourself the opportunity to get that out, to be heard, and to express frustration and anger at being let down this way.

      You know what happened,and need validation for your experiences, and I do think yu shouldn’t have to worry about challenging whats been said to you and complaining about treatment by those supposed to be trying to help you!

      We are all here for you and understand how important it is to be believed nd have some with experience of not being believed and know how awfl that can feel, and what it can do to our sense of self and putting us a long way back in recovery.

      Treat and pamper yourself, and keep treating and pampering yourself, you deserve it! So so much!

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #65245
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Maybe it’s part of the recovery process? I’m really wary of people, the woman’s worker you spoke to sounds like she’s in the wrong job to honest. That’s definitely not your fault. I went to school today to watch my wee one and I was ignored by the head teacher. She actually crossed the road! In the main I try to keep my head high but that guilty feeling sits somewhere deep in my mind. We will get there, best to keep the good ones close!there are good people out there its a shame there is such ignorance surrounding domestic abuse. The dynamics are so complicated I guess. At least we can confide in each other on here. This site is such a big help in recovering. Your not alone x*x ☺

    • #65246
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Thank you for posting this.
      I had similar experiences with the outreach service. I felt they disliked me and judged me, refused to understand my problems and minimised what I went through.
      They added to my trauma.
      I have problems with my family as well.
      At the moment they bully me badly again from afar. I must be such a threat for them.
      I have not spoken to anyone about it. I just cried for several days.
      But I am about to pick myself up again and I work on a plan to bully them back and really get them where it hurts them.

      I stay at home a lot.
      However, I do things by myself, like afternoon teas and exhibitions. When I book tickets I always go for the extras and the posh bits, because I try to spoil myself whenever possible.
      There are lots of things women can do alone.
      I do not want anyone to come with me ever, because I am tired of the complicated behaviour of most women I get to know. I just do not have the nerve to deal with that.
      I can do whatever I want when I am alone and I do not have to adjust to anybody. I really like that.

    • #65280
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Thank you all for replying Twisted Sister, DIYmum and Ayanna. It really helps to be listened to, to feel heard and understood.

      Ayanna it helps to know you had a similar experience with outreach although I’m sorry you did. I think they can be amazing for some people but just not everyone sadly. It’s especially horrible to feel rejected and scorned by people who are meant to help you. Also I know what you mean about doing things alone, there is a lot of freedom in it. I just get lonely doing everything alone. I’d like to have a few good people in my life I can trust and spend time with even if I’m alone for most of the week. People who treat me with respect and don’t mock and belittle me.

      What hasn’t helped is that I am really not sure about my therapist. She is a free therapist with an abuse charity because I can’t afford to pay and I’ve waited a very long time to see her as their waiting list is huge. She seems to know her stuff and I’ve learnt some useful things from her so far. However, she’s also cold, seems to use faux-concern and I feel like sometimes she looks like she is trying not to laugh at me. She’s said a few things that made me feel silly and like my problems were my fault rather than acknowledging what I went through. On the other hand I know someone saying ‘poor you’ all the time and being sympathetic won’t change my situation. I need a balance between empathy, sympathy, validation, understanding and tools for moving forward. I think I’ll see how I got next time and maybe bring some of this up and see how she responds and maybe ask for a different therapist but I’m not sure how the manager will respond.

    • #65317
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      I think that’s brilliant that you can raise this with her! That takes a lot of strength, go you, yes, definitely.

      If you are unhappy with her response then ask for another.

      You do need sympathy and empathy for the crulty you have been subjected to, but I’m sorry, being laughed at!? Very cruel of her. That’s horrible and so invalidating. That she didn’t even bother to justify her reaction is just so unprofessional and uncaring.

      You are not there to point out flaws in her approach, you’re the one coming for support and validation.

      Can you not just go straight to asking for a swap; this would hopefully mean you wouldn’t have to go back to the beginning of a waiting list, but to the top of someone else’s?

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #65365
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low and lonely.

      Please know that there are people on here who care about your welfare and want you to feel well.

      I have been extremely lucky to find an organisation in my area which provide low level intervention services. So I have been on a couple of courses. One has absolutely changed me and the way I think. I have been on a 8 week mindfulness course. The teacher is amazing and I have found that I feel better and better everyday, as long as I keep practising the techniques I have been taught.

      Sending big hugs. xx

    • #65412
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Thank you Twisted Sister and Jane.

      Twisted Sister I rang the organisation and am waiting for them to call back as I also concluded a different counsellor is probably the best option. I just feel worried because this is approx my 5th counsellor since leaving the relationship. All the others were not suitable in various ways (one even said she didn’t believe me and defended my ex which was horrendous and I immediately stopped going).

      I have quite a lot of bad vibes about the current counsellor. There is something cold and flippant about her but frustratingly she also seems to understand domestic abuse and trauma whilst none of the others really got it. There’s also no guarantee a different counsellor will be any better, they are all so random.

      I will see if they ring me back tomorrow, if not I’ll do one more session then decide. Thanks for your support, it helps to get confirmation about what I’ve been thinking and feeling especially as a lot of the time in my life people have told me I’m too fussy and sensitive and difficult so I often worry about being those things when really I just want things to feel right.

      Jane that’s great you’ve got good support and well done for accessing it too as it takes bravery to give these things a go and commit to them. I went on one group course which was good so I’ve not been totally unlucky, but a lot of the support has been massively variable and some of it has been bad and made me feel worse. There is a huge funding gap for services that provide therapy for women who have left abusive relationships where I live anyway. Charities try to fill it in but the demand is so high they can only do so much. The problem is when you’re no longer in danger and trying to recover, you kind of fall into an abyss unless you can go private or you’re lucky enough to get a good free counsellor.

      Maybe I could email my MP about it as there’s such a big unmet need there for so many women.

      On a positive note I still feel really determined to reach my goals. I’ve been ebaying and decluttering, walking, getting on top of housework, doing my hobbies, working on my small business and continue to volunteer which helps me a lot. I felt extremely depressed last week but this week have felt a bit better. Long may that continue. My next step is to secure a part time job I can live on whilst continuing to look for freelance work in my dream sector. It regularly feels impossible but it occurred to me that most of that is in my mind. Once I start believing and focusing I feel so much better. I can see that I need to maintain a positive and hopeful attitude in order for things to change for the better.

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