Rubbish step-mum

[Camel]

I’ve not had children of my own but I was ‘step mother’ to the ex’s kids when they came to stay for weekends and holidays. He decided when it was time for me to meet them. I thought it was too soon, just a couple of months in.

I wasn’t the first ‘step mum’. She’d lived in the ex’s house with her kids for a few years and they’d not long split up. His kids would be dealing with a second family break-up. I didn’t want to mess them up but being honest that wasn’t my first thought.

We were still getting to know each other but in no time he expected me to sacrifice weekends to co-parenting his kids. He didn’t understand that they were strangers to me and I was to them. I was annoyed when he’d interrupt me at work to ask what food he should get in for them, suddenly incapable now there was a woman on the scene.

I reckoned he should have been able to cope and told him I didn’t want the job, that they already had a mother and didn’t need another one. He told me I wasn’t normal, to get to my age without marriage or kids. I was selfish, couldn’t do relationships and it must be true what he’d heard, that I slept around. I wish I’d had the self-knowledge then to tell him he was absolutely right, then walk away.

He didn’t have to do anything with his kids except the fun stuff. He was the typecast part-time dad, preferring to pay for days out and videos and computer games rather than engage with them. He’d go for weeks between visits not speaking to them. It was as if they only existed when he could see them.

They craved his attention and there were fights and arguments with the squeaky wheel getting the oil. He played favourites and sometimes completely ignored the youngest who was particularly sensitive. Once on a trip out we stopped for lunch and he sat with his back to him, oblivious to the hurt he was causing this (detail removed by moderator). I had to point out what he was doing. I tried to engage with them but it was impossible to build anything solid, I saw them so sporadically. When we holidayed together the atmosphere was too strained for anyone to have real fun. He’d make subtle digs about their mother then do this weird fake laugh so they didn’t know how to react. He paid maintenance grudgingly and late and never topped it up for school trips or hobbies. Instead he’d drop them home with expensive computer games or toys to flash in front of their half-siblings.

They barely mentioned these other kids, their mother or their step-dad. They never really talked about their other life at all. I think they’d learned that sharing information was dangerous.

I still think of them and looked them up, glad to find normal young adults, happy in photos with their blended family. I wonder if they think of me. I never got to love them but I hope they know I cared.

[fizzylem]

Hey Camel, try not to be hard on yourself, sounds like there were a lot of family dynamics occuring, how many relationships! Tot them up for each child. It is not suprising they didnt have any capacity for another relationship.

I also think these men tend to operate covertly, in my case I know my ex’s new partner does not know the half of it as he likes to keep it that way. She did say to me once in email that they respect one another and their relationship so have decided not to talk about their past relationships, this made me laugh out loud, as I thought yes that will suit him very much, means he doesnt have to have any awkward conversations or explain himself, it’s a get out of jail free card – thing is, its not in the past is it, it’s happening now, I’m the mother of his child now – she appears to me to be putting her head in the sand and following his lead to me – which she will wont she, because this is what we all do, we respect this is his child/children, that he is the dad and he will handle things related to his child.

So, I imagine it is likely you were also not privvy to a lot of information. This was his family, so he held most of the power. I operated exactly the same way with my step son – his son. I didnt form any great bond with him, but have felt concern like you, over the years from time to time. This poor kid has had 3 step mums now, 2 steps dads, a number of step siblings, his own parents, grand parents and step grand parents and quite literally several new schools- it’s too much hey – chaotic. I view it as me stepping away from this child as doing this kid a big favour – he has had enough to deal with – perhaps this was the same for these kids?

I know he enjoyed the time we had when I cared for him, which I know he will take away, he is probs the one family member that won’t have a bad word to say about me lol. Can’t be persuaed by his father like the adults were, as we know we had a nice little relationship and we did some nice things when he was with me. If you are kind, the child will always remember this – for sure, think back on your own child hood, you never forget those adults that were kind to you do you, you feel fondly hey x

[Camel]

Thank you so much Fizzylem! I hadn’t thought of any of it that way – the fact that they had so much going on already. You’re right too, I was kind and thoughtful with them so at the very least they won’t have reason to feel badly about me. Ultimately I didn’t want to feel I’d added to their hurt and remembering how they reacted to me I’m sure I didn’t. Thank you x

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