Rules, scoldings, rantings, verbal aggression, fear of myself

[Anonymous]

Away but looking back, realising that virtually everything was wrong. At first I thought it was me, defective, he was with me but acted like he must hate me, why else would he pick fault in a normal person, doing normal things. Well even blamed for things that were to be honest crazy. Doors creaking – our fault how we opened & closed them, cracks in the ceiling – our fault, we walked too heavy upstairs,he was the same with floorboards creaking. When I decorated it was always wrong, I handed sanded enough, I had done it in the wrong order. Washing on the line was hung wrong, only 2 loads a week anymore was ranted at. No washing aired inside as made him ill. Food was his big thing, he monitored everything – criticised what we ate, what we didn’t. The car everything that went wrong my fault, how I drove. Telephone calls monitored in & out calls,told he had made enquiries to put a bug in, so that he could hear all calls. Internet was going to be cut so my son wouldn’t be able to use it. I didn’t clean properly although house was spotless. Drains got blocked – my fault, must have been something I’d done. Fridge too cold, not cold enough my fault. Loo seat wobbly – we sat on it wrong. My wee – yes my wee he would come in there before I had chance to flush then tell me it should be clear something must be wrong with me. Craft was too noisy – knitting, colouring, cutting paper, jigsaw puzzles! I ate too noisily, my breathing was too noisy, by which point I was hyperventilating as was in such a state. Cats in the neighbourhood my fault as I petted them. Flies in the house my fault as I’d opened a window or door. I seldom wore make up if I did who was I meeting. Perfume banned it made him ill & who was I trying to impress. Garden birds my fault as I fed them, they were vermin, he would scream & shout at them, throw stones at them, same with cats, hot & cold water over them. Tv closely monitored, colour different we must have had it on. His printer I’d used it! I hadn’t touched it! Door handles loose, hinges creaked he would rant, go mad at us. He had treats we were banned from, he would have a huge supply, check daily we hadn’t touched them. Birthdays or Christmas he would buy me chocs then check what I’d eaten, help himself eat loads, if I said where have they all gone, he’d rant & tell me I fn bought them. Daily he would not eat or drink out of anything without first smelling it, touching it, ranting it was filthy, when spotlessly clean. He would go crazy at prongs on forks bent, knives not straight, slight chips in crockery. Everything I said was wrong & yet anyone else could say exactly the same thing & he’d agree they were right. He constantly tried to force me to go to places I found were uncomfortable, He was just a normal person but decided to start mixing with hoity toity rich people as he told me, they were the ones to get in with. Told me I was common (I’m not) I was abnormal as didn’t dress tarty, show off my breasts, if I ever did wear anything he deemed showing too much, he’d then say what do you think you look like in that. If I painted my toe nails in summer which I always did he would say who are you trying to impress. When I say he ridiculed everything, he did. I was always friendly to people, he would rant no one wants to hear you, even packing shopping away, how you chat to the cashier, he’d say poor woman, fancy talking to her. I folded washing wrong, iron was too noisy, how I arranged furniture was wrong. Sex I was abnormal, I should do exactly what he said, have sex when my adult son was in the house. Expected me to have sex on the sofa, I wouldn’t he would then rant at me it was just an excuse! I even weeded wrong, put things in the shed wrong, put food in the cupboard wrong, walked too fast, was not allowed to say I had anything wrong as when did was told “you are always fn ill” He though could do all the things we couldn’t. If I dare to mention or point it out I would be shouted down, scolded for making him look like a c*** Years living with a control freak, cruel and vile acts of his rule book on life, now away I am just a shell of who I was, so seriously ill with my nerves that I am scared to do anything for fear of upsetting anyone. I ask permission to do things, which is crazy. Struggle like mad to not re live and continue to live looking over my shoulder 24/7. I feel abnormal for having an opinion on anything. Struggle to recover a major breakdown now, I shake noticeably, can’t sleep without fear of waking panic stricken, even my breathing I’m conscious of, just in case it is too loud! Trying to explain to anyone that that was not a normal relationship it was one of constant fear, I should be feeling free, he’s gone, I have my whole life to rebuild, I should be happy I & my son escaped, but instead I am terrified, I am severely ill with anxiety, depression ptsd or cptsd unable to work at the moment as can barely function doing day to day things. It isn’t an excuse and I’m not lazy nor is my adult son. Years we spent with a serious abuser, on top we had major outside traumas again the perpetrator used fear on top of fear, by the time we got away both so badly broken we were both at rock bottom. Slowly I feel maybe we will make it, but seriously doubt my capabilities to ever be strong enough to support myself / ourselves and that terrifies me. Our abuser meanwhile continues to turn the whole world we once knew against me, portraying it was all my fault my son is nervous, even my own family believe our abusers lies!! I Long to be strong, for both me and my son to live a normal life. One in which we can be independent, work, be free from fear, be ourselves doing what makes us happy & safe xx

[Confused123]

HI hUn

Im just glad u are away from him, he just seemed to pick on every single thing , mine was obessed too, soon as i used to get in bathroom was like are u going to be there all night, would answer mobile and he’d be like why are u saying hello, well what else do u say when u answer phone, i was like ok i’ll say hi, that was wrong answer to , apparently i was suppose to say yes sir…. well i said im not saying that so ill say yes what do u want instead, that still wasnt good enough /. its madness how they behave, id answet the door and it was like are u tonguing the peron at the door…w*f

you will get stronger in time hun, u have tolove yourself again and trust yourself

[Anonymous]

Hi Confused123 I feel I will never trust again, not even myself! It was all so crazy what he did. I am a nervous wreck & it shows so badly on the outside too. I near constantly shake, even when at home, I just want to be free and normal again, I was always abused for being nervous right from a small child, I am in later years now & struggle to believe this will ever truly leave me. He was a severe abuser, today had that confirmed by a professional person. I knew how he was, knew how scared he made me feel, nut it is only since away that I’ve realised to exactly what extent his abuse did, daily and severe, for being scared of doing normal things, that everyone does! Even scared of my own feelings, all of my own emotions too. Anyway today found out that I can go on a course to change, try to become more confident, to overcome all those years of abuse. I pray it works xx

[cupofcoffee]

Mine was like this too, it was bad enough that we never went out or did anything but everything in the house was subject to his rules, so even watching TV, a film or making a cup of tea was monitored by him, it made life really stressful and took all the fun out of life and out of the simplest pleasures. I am so glad I am out of that situation now, it was mad!

[Anonymous]

I was opposite to that, he had ridiculed me so badly in public I didn’t want to go out with him, plus he would always plan things he knew I was extremely uncomfortable with, for example his hoity toity people, the ones he had told me were highly intelligent, the ones who had made him realise how thick I was. I guess now I just struggle to mix with anyone for fear of being judged and put down. I’ve never been confident, always the one who sits in the corner, hate centre stage again he amongst others now after he’s dragged me so low, struggle to understand that it is ok to be quiet, it is ok to not want to be highly sociable, If that’s who you are, who I always was really too, but now also trying to recover from the trauma of dv/abuse. Just nightmare situation, but I’m still trying to move forward, then get stuck again and seem to freeze xx

[Confused123]

hey hun

take up confidence classes , slowly start things u like doing, u will get there, talk to a counsellor, speak about how u felt when u was a child that u felt so nervous.you are doing so well so far, how u feel is normal as your feelings were always under constant monitor, u will get there. i still have difficulty trusting people but am working towards that

[Anonymous]

Hi Confused123 I have massive trust issues, and my confidence is rock bottom, don’t think it could be any lower than it is. I will keep pushing on & go to the confidence classes too. I just hope and pray that I can keep enough strength up to regain a better quality of life and for that I Long x

[Author]

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