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I feel such loss on behalf of my children. I feel such sadness that they have so many abusers in their lives – their father and both sets of grandparents. I try so hard to build up their confidence and self-esteem but how are they supposed to think of themselves? What does it do to their identity to know that so much of their family is so harmful? I worry that they’ll believe that negativity is a part of who they are. They have no positive history or sense of belonging. I wasn’t going to have children in case I abused them. I took so much responsibility for the abuse that I never considered the effects of all the abusers around them. I was so certain that I was the problem that I didn’t even realise they were abusers. I love my children so much and I’m so sorry I did that.
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Dear sweet Peaceful Pig,
idk how old your children are.
please can i suggest you read aloud what you’ve written here to your beautiful, brave, kind children (or copy and paste it into a text). They need to know you’re sorry, that you take responsibility for your part in this (no more, no less), and that you love them to bits.
They’ll be ok, their lives will be different to yours. Be strong, you’re amazing.
Much love S xx -
Hi PP,
I could have written your post. You have opened my eyes to something: I too was so concerned to not be an abusive parent- to encourage, to not control- that I was blinded to the abuse of my children by others.
I was blind to the extremity of abuse towards my children that my ex was in fact capable of, and that he apparently dished out when I wasn’t there; I was blind to the damage my own mother was doing by berating my eldest because he wouldn’t be her little pupil and servant ( I began to realise- and stopped this unhealthy relationship, but only after a few years- I just thought my mum wanted to be involved and was lonely, but now I see she was bullying him). My kids barely see my dad; and his parents ( my grandparents) died recently without having ever even met my youngest. They were living abroad, but didn’t encourage us to visit, nor came to see us when they visited the UK.They were strange people. And my ex’s father and stepmother bully my children if they see them. The only kind one of the lot is my ex’s mother, who has her own issues, and she lives abroad, so they don’t get to see her.
I look now at how I have berated myself for years for not being good enough, but in fact these abusers were acting without conscience all around me.
Thing is, PP, we did take action. We got out. I did stand up to my ex, his parents, my mum for her behaviour. You have stood up to your ex by getting out, you have sheltered your children by keeping a distance from your parents.
You can’t control others: you can only control yourself, and by getting more help and engaging in the things that give you peace, you can return to peace so that you can give your children more than they will ever need. A mother’s pure love is all a child needs to become a joyful and complete adult.
Last year on this forum, I quoted to Head Cook ( I think ) how there was an article in the paper about how it is mothers who influence their children the most, morally and emotionally.
Last year, I went to a very interesting museum in London, called the Foundling Museum. I was so glad I went. It had an exhibition of how children were brought there as orphans or disowned as illegitimately born,many they were brought up together in a charity founded by James Coram ( the children’s rights charity CORAM is named after him). On the wall, they had a huge mural of all the famous people in our day- actors, inventors, humanitarians, businessmen and women, philanthropists, scientists- who were in fact orphans or had been adopted. The list would suprise you. And it showed me that the human spirit is stronger than anything, and can overcome. And all it needs to do this is one thing- love.
You say that you have always focused upon your own shortcomings. Maybe now focus upon how blessed your kids are to have you! What better for a child to have a mother who loves them as much as you do. I would say your children are blessed to have you and richer in that than some children will ever be. X
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Well said Serenity, spot on x
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PPS: I think the only reason that my ex has turned out so horrible, even though his mother is lovely, is that my ex’s bullying father managed to fight her in court and gain custody of my ex, do my ex was brought up by his sociopathic father and critical stepmother.
His mother was too traumatised and ill to win- and they are from a patriarchal culture abroad.
My ex only really began to mend fences with his mother after we were married, as I encouraged him to develop their relationship and he seemed to want to.
Our exes haven’t managed to gain full custody! We are still our kids’ main caters and a steady influence and constant presence! X
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Thank you so much Swallow and Serenity, I am in tears reading your replies.
Swallow, thank you for saying such kind things. I’m not sure if they’re old enough but I will consider how much I can tell them how I feel. They certainly are beautiful, wise and kind but they don’t believe me though I tell them all the the time.
Serenity, thank you. I hope I can be enough for them. It is hard to believe in myself while I’m facing the reality of the damage full in the face. I think I’m going through another level of grief which is necessary in order to let go of many things. I am gradually building a little network of friends and positive influences but it is hard to trust. Me and the children cuddle and say ‘I love you’ many times each day, something I have never experienced elsewhere. Maybe it’s hard for me to know how that feels for them. I have to remember that their experiences, while not ideal, are far removed from mine as a child and they do not feel the same way I do. I do need to have faith in love xx-
Everything you’ve written says you’re more than good enough for your beautiful children, PP.
You say ‘I love you’ to one another many times a day, and you mean it. They couldn’t have a better mum.
You’ll make mistakes and get things wrong – we all do. And it’s ok. Our children need to know we’re not perfect, it’s how they learn we’re none of us perfect, and so to accept themselves as ‘only human’.
Keep trusting yourself. You’re amazing 🙂
S xx
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