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Hi, next topic in therapy is my safety measures. My ex lives a very short distance from me, he could have moved anywhere in the world but true to form he moves close by. Anyway it’s been several years since his conviction and I’m still using safety measures. Wheelie bins under window, door wedge, house alarm, sleeping with light and radio on for when I have nightmares or PTSD. Hasn’t been bad for a while but it’s the most awful feeling when it happens. Reversing car when parking (this one saved me once for quick getaway). Every car like his I see my eyes go straight to number plate. Logically he won’t be back but since when has logic come into this. I know my therapist will tell me to cut back on some of these. It’s only maybe in the last year that I’ve been able to sit out in my back garden and relax. If I go upstairs to the toilet from the garden I lock the back door. I always lock the front door behind me and still look round before getting out the car. So, safety measures or anxiety causing compulsions?
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From what you are saying KIP I think these are sensible safety measures. I really do.
Don’ want to be triggering to anybody but a friend of mine was once attacked after she put the
bins out, someone crept into her flat and she had left the door unlocked whilst going in to the yard.Im not sure why therapist would expect you not to do these things.
try to see my hypervigilance as a gift. I was talking to a young woman on a train once – whose dad was a fire fighter. When they grew up – he went round the whole house every night checking appliances were unplugged.
Once, I smelt burning, called emergency services. No sign of flames. 15 rather hunky firefighers in my living room later – still no sign of flames. Babes in arms. The the supervisor hauled a machine into the back yard. Came inside and gave me a burned out part, it had been just about to burst into flames…right underneath the gas boiler…
hypervigilance or gut instinct and intuition (?) I think it was the later two.
all best
ftc
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Oh, KIP! I’m trying to imagine having to put all this in place because he’s so near; what a pain!
I think the answer to, “is this over the top?” is, “it depends.”
It depends whether you are setting this precautions in place with shaky fingers and dry mouth, haunted by images of him breaking in or just going through your habitual routines singing something catchy under your breath. Are your precautions growing or lessening? If you catch yourself wondering whether you missed a step, are you leaping out of bed in a panic to make sure or shrugging and rolling over to go back to sleep?
In other words, if you are expending lots of emotional energy on your routines, you might need some help to put easier alternatives in place, but if you are calm and cool about it and feel comfy when it’s done, I think you’re probably just fine.
After all, he’s proven to be dangerous and he’s nearby, so it isn’t phobia or paranoia motivating your routines, just plain common sense!
Locking the back door when you’re alone in the house and popping upstairs is sensible behaviour for everyone; burglars could be around anywhere.
Remember, a phobia is an UNJUSTIFIED fear. Don’t let anyone shake your commonsense grip on reality, darling. Shark-infested waters aren’t automatically safe just because nobody’s been eaten for a year or two.
Flower x
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Guess it’s about what feels ok for you, thinking around what is it you need, but it sounds like it’s maybe time to review what you’ve been doing to see whether there is still a need or are there any adjustments you now want to make? Really glad you’ve got your therapist to hold your hand and to discuss it with. FL.x
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fizz i know you have (removed by moderator) knowledge of this how long does this process take? roughly? does it have to be on going for good thats what i was told xxxx hope im not repeating myself lol love diymum
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Hey DM, do you mean when does it end? Feels like you’re asking this because you’re acutely aware that it’s something you feel you are constantly managing maybe? It’s a process flower and all of us are diffierent.
Think what’s important here is that the therpist is asking the question, is this still needed? Is there anything you would now like to change? It might be nothing, or it might be some things, but it’s useful isn’t it to let of go of stuff we dont need anymore if this is the case. Life is a string of adjustments really isn’t it?
You sound so ready to work out what can I now let go of DM. I am truly excited you are entering therapy at this stage in your life and healing. When we enter therapy in crisis we are crisis managing, when you enter it once you have built up knowledge and self awareness – as you have done, when you feel robust enough – as you are – you then get into the process of really making sense of it all, resolving your feelings and the difficulties, leaving you truly free to be – and in touch with your authentic self.
You move into overcoming – these things happened and I am ok with it, all of it, building yet more resilience. There’s kind of no going back once you get to this – no more triggers! Only awareness and your responses.
You have worked so very hard to get here – you’ve gained so much wisdom and compassion along the way hey. Now it’s time to free yourself and find peace.
Willing you on so so much lady – all of you! It can be done. I’ve seen it many times – we all have haven’t we. There’s a lot of inspiration around, many folk who have completely overcome adversity, using their traumatic experiences as a springboard for growth to enhance their own life and the lives of others x
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Thanks, my safety routines don’t impact on my day. I’m not overly anxious anymore even when I see him. I know my therapist means well and she is fantastic at trauma but isn’t trained in domestic abuse. She is for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It’s hard to judge when you’ve been so ‘paranoid’. A psychiatrist, a very experienced one once tried to tell my my amygdala (the part of the brain that deals with stress) was going off and alerting me when it shouldn’t. Well I’d rather it went off wrongly than didn’t go off at all. It’s not uncommon for these men to assault even years later. He hasn’t changed one bit. You can’t tell me if we were shut in a room together I’d be leaving in one piece. I’m not living in the past but I feel my safety precautions are reasonable. Will see what she says next week. Maybe try a night light and lower the radio. I’d love to get s dog again too 💕
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I tapered down my safety routines as my anxiety settled down. Im still not entirely free of them but they’re minimal compared to what they were.
thankfully i now know where he is as he was stupid enough to write to me, and its many miles away. which gives me some relief.
don’t taper them unless you feel youre able too. mine seemed to naturally slip off.
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Dear KIP
You are also making absolute sense to me.
I do the same, n like flower wisely says, its not done in panic or high anxiety,but i do make sure its done after years of being stalked.
If i went to bed and suddenly realisedi might not have locked my back door, i would certainly get up to make sure it is, likewise any windows. I have cameras also, so can film and keep evidence for record.
Keep on keeping safe. Knowledge of safety is key to managing PTSD symptoms. Its amazing that you can feel safe with him so close, but whil he is take all reasonable step to watch your back.
Warmest wishes
TS
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I’m not sure if you mean me or Fizz, maybe both of us have (removed by moderator) knowledge of this.
Here is my take on it, having researched very recently and with my knowledge and lived experience of domestic abuse…this might be triggering so if you are finding it so, please think twice about reading…this
It is more or less the same as what some others are saying from lived experience – yes, the theory is basically that it is parts of our brain going off – when someone (a so-called professional) – telling us they shouldn’t.
But the key is – that sadly, many so-called professionals (as ladies have already said here on this board) – don’t have the specialised knowledge of da. Most importantly, they don’t have inside knowledge of our abusers. (thanks goodness they don’t bless them). I believe though many abusers are similar, deep down maybe we know what it is that they might choose as their behaviour next? Because we know the pattern?
An example, and this is non-identifying as I am sure others have had similar experiences in refuge:
When first in refuge, before going into town for the first time – I was required to complete a risk assessment for the trip with my support worker.
To do that, she actually asked me what exactly was it that I was afraid of. For me this, was, and is, a helpful question.
At the time I said that I was afraid that my child would be snatched if I dropped my guard for one second. So we put a plan in place whereby when I went into supermarkets etc I would be aware of where the security guards were, and I had a plan of action ready, for the worst case scenario.
For an average woman, without our experiences (or mine) – it may not cross their minds to do that in the supermarket. Or anywhere else. Would they? At least not to that extent….?
At the time and for some time afterwards there were moments when I felt paranoid about thinking this and behaving like that.
However, when I looked back, I realised that it was understandable and sensible given my ex’s behaviour at the time and that of people he knew. These facts only came to light some time afterwards.
And I didn’t have a court order in place at the time, so my fear was rational. If someone had done that, it would have been extremely difficult to get her back, if not impossible without a court order.
So what I am basically saying is, as others have said on this thread, it depends on why you are doing what you are doing. Even for a therapist who doesn’t understand the dynamics of domestic abuse – it would be easy to dismiss – by saying that parts of our brain are being over active when they don’t need to be.
So I would go with what Flowerchild said ‘it depends’. Even therapists don’t have the knowledge we have. That’s what person centre counselling is about. The experience, power and knowledge of the person they are speaking to. I’m sure, sadly, sadly that some dangers for people like us and our kids have, and are being missed because our gut instincts are not always listened to carefully enough.
Going forward, when I am bothered about being scared, I try to do what the refuge worker did with me. Do a risk assessment on myself for a particular situation. I find it helps. It may not help others…that I understand. At the time it was actually quite healing to do one with the support worker, as they were so compassionate about my fears that in itself helped. And so posting on here about a particular challenge like this, being listened to and trying to work it out is very important I feel.
all best
ftc
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Thanks ftc. When I break it down I ask myself why on earth he would want to come near me after all this time. That in itself should raise red flags. Why doesn’t anyone see this. He can be anywhere in the world and he chooses to come very close to where I live. He claims he has a legitimate reason for being there but that’s nonsense and no one will call him out on it. So I just carry on with my safety plan.
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So much harm done in my refuge over this
Women told that feeling fear is not real, like having a phobia of spiders, or snakes.
When you are severely traunatised its like having ben literall attacked repeatedly by snakes for example. That is going to make anyone naturally snake avoidant and highly anxious/fearful around anakes.
It would be a very abnormal behaviour to not react to continued snake attacks.
The women afterward were really upset and felt theyd been told it wasnt real, as did i.
The amygdala is there to act very fast,at an instinctual level, in the absence of thought. It actually shuts down thought, so understandably as ptsd keeps the amygdala in a state of arousal it becomes hard to process logical thoughts, to organise and plan as the prefrontal cortex does this,but not when the amydala is in charge. Living in a constant staye of survival necessitates the continually on state of the amygdala for our safety, tyeres ni time to think, just act to be safe. This isalso the reason we cannot remember clearly because memories require other information to be complete and the brain cannot process that when thw amygdala is fired up.
Calling it not real and denying it, just comes acriss as an abusers tactic. That if we all pretend it doesnt exist it will cease to exist, no, it will cause further mistrust of self. Greater suspicion and doubt.
We need our amygdala,but it needs ‘regulating’ based on the information around us at any given time.
Warmest wishes survivors, keep on surviving!… and then really living.
TS
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I was told the same about different branches of women’s aid. My local one isnt great in forward thinking yet the next town is so progressive. They have just secured funding and recruited a domestic abuse mental health therapist on a contract to solely deal with the women/children and their mental health. How cool is that.
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My ex is a hell of a long way away and doesn’t know where I live. I have relaxed a lot of my safety measures. I don’t lock the house when I am home alone. I don’t always reverse into parking places. I live in an incredibly safe area, and it doesn’t feel necessary. (I grew up in the kind of rural area where you only lock your house if you are going on holiday, and people leave their keys in the ignition if they are nipping into the shop so that seemed normal pre abuse) But there are still some habitsI have hung onto. Like listening to audiobooks when falling asleep. It stops me fixating on every small noise outside and it distracts me from the insomnia caused by a pre-existing condition. I would be asking if the routines add to your safety and also if they make you feel better. The light at night thing strikes me as understandable, but also like something that might reduce your quality of sleep, so I might see if there is anything you can do to reduce your need for that. I am not sure it massively increases your safety, but I can understand wanting that reassurance when you wake up after nightmares that you are not still there, and that he isn’t there either. Off the top of my head I wonder if for example you could turn the light down gradually and replace it with other reminders you are in your own safe space. It could still be visual, like glow in the dark stars or a kids nightlight, or it could be tactile, or even scent based. I also found it useful as the terror subsided to use an app with a timer on my audiobook so it turned off after the length of the I I needed it to fall asleep. In the early days I had it running all night. Then I started putting a two hour timer on it, then an hour, and I am now down to 45 minutes. If I wake I put it back on, but I don’t need it running through the night now, and I probably sleep better for it.
In the end though, all of this is your decision. Do what you need for you to feel safe. It won’t do any harm to run through the thought process and the rational for your decisions with your therapist, but don’t feel you have to change you system for the sake of change. It’s kept you.safe so far. Good luck with the therapy.
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I think if there is one area you should never question yourself is definitely about anything concerning safety and security, I believe you posses an innate gift to see danger and think your safety measures are spot on, not at all based on anxiety but on good flair to keep yourself safe, especially with your abuser living so nearby. Like others said, it is amazing that you can live so calmly and function with him so nearby. That he actually is allowed by the law is just flabbergasting.
I think any police officer would take you as example on how to keep one protected and surely wish that more people would take such safety precautions.I agree wit the lamp, with light at night, to keep it as minimal as possible, the darkness induces better sleep (releases melatonin to make you fall asleep) therefore you are better rested. Kids lamp with animals turning and a kids glow in the dark little star are maybe a good transition.
Also with the radio, I agree with trying to use it for falling asleep, and have it switched off once you are sleeping deeply. But all slowly you know, no quick and drastic changes and only what keeps you and makes you feel safe. -
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