27th January 2022 at 8:03 pm #137816GerbilParticipant
I would be really keen to know your thoughts on this.
I was planning on telling my husband this weekend that I wanted us to separate and start to tell him how I am feeling. I have literally had enough.
However I have been on a DA course (detail removed by moderator) and the speaker talked so much about risk and homicide if you do leave. She really scared me.
My husband is emotionally cruel to me and I do believe it is coercive control but he has only pushed me one a long time ago.
Do I need to plan more carefully?
Take care everyone x
27th January 2022 at 8:34 pm #137817Grey RockParticipant
Hi. Good luck with your exit.
As well as safeguarding your physical safety it’s also worth starting to think about how to safeguard yourself online. Any passwords that need changing. Anything in the home that is linked to Amazon shopping accounts etc. Knowing how to block him on your phone and email. Removing location settings from social media.
A lot of us are taken aback by the. Extent of the sabotage efforts.
Safeguarding ourselves emotionally is another thing. I learned a lot in my final escape that helped me keep my no contact and prepare myself for the common tactics used to hoover people back in – mine tried every one mentioned. It was like Hoover Bingo watching his schemed unfold. Dr Ramani YouTube videos covered so so much.
You are right to keep your plans secret from him. Please play your cards close to your chest. If you can secretly secure any personal documents ( birth certificate, passport, qualification certification, bank and car documents etc) and keep them somewhere safe and secure so much the better. I reorganized my wardrobe so I had a couple of essential grab drawers and things most needed at one end of the wardrobe rail. I know it sounds devious but I’d learned through several failed attempts in the past. The planning paid off in the end.
My choice the final time was to inform him I wasnt returning once I was away and safe. It meant I could get all those password changed and social media and email etc secure.
27th January 2022 at 9:32 pm #137820Kitkat44Participant
I second everything GR says above and was advised the same.
I made the mistake of telling mine one time, he threw everything at me text book- it was useful to watch him throw all these hooks out to try and pull me back in and it was about (detail removed by moderator) hours of him grilling me, name calling, manipulating, blaming, demeaning, playing the victim, all done quietly so our children didn’t hear. And then a few days later apologising which he had never done before so that knocked me sideways for a while.
It is very very hard to do the secret stuff and goes against us as because we are decent human beings.
So yes plan everything you can, then let them know you are safe (don’t tell them where you are-location service off and or new sim) ask them not to contact you and block them.
It’s still quite surprising to see the tactics mine is trying but my support worker keeps me on track-I check with her and she says yep seen and heard that one before. Mine was never physical with me, he intimidated me with looks, silence, size. And wearing me down every time I tried to talk about our relationship and how I felt.
Sorry I’ve rambled a bit,
Get everything ready and you will honestly know when it is right for you.
Sending love xx
27th January 2022 at 11:22 pm #137831Twisted SisterParticipant
Firstly, I am sorry. Its tough to recognise and accept whats been going on, and yes, it is increasingly risky the closer you get to leaving, and then leaving. You must plan carefully and quietly, because you can never anticipate or predict how his behaviour could escalate.
Secondly, I am very impressed that your workplace is undertaking DA training and education for their workforce; unless of course its related to the field of work and therefore key to conducting your role?
Don’t waste any of your energy trying to explain. If you haven’t managed to make your point by now, you will never. I am very confident that you will have tried to raise your concerns and upsets with him and been repeatedly ignored, or knocked back for them. I can understand your reasoning of why you would want to explain why you have to leave, but you won’t get what you are looking for from this, and you increase your personal risk.
Keep your plans close, and keep talking and posting getting all the support you can.
1st February 2022 at 11:04 pm #138093GerbilParticipant
Thank you all for this thoughtful advice.
I did not tell him last weekend as I agree I think I need to plan more thoroughly.
The most important thing to me is to try to protect my children ( who are older teenagers) from any further emotional abuse.
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