Same pattern

[Munchkin04]

Hi all. I just wanted to ask how you cope or what happens in your relationship after a physical and verbal abuse episode. He asked me a question (detail removed by Moderator) to which I answered him quite normally I thought. He then proceeded to tell me he just wanted a straight answer and recited back to him what I had said. I let him know that what he had recited wasn’t what I had said. I’m then told I’m not listening I’m missing the point. He’s now shouting as I try and just tell him what I had said and how this doesn’t need to escalate. Too late! He’s lost it. Shouting in my face whilst eating g his cereal which is being spat all over me. I leave the room to be followed I do react and shout back again what I had said to make him see reason. Then he hits me round the head and I lock myself in the bathroom. After every episode there is no apology ever. We now have t spoken for (detail removed by Moderator) days. I don’t know what to do or how to be. He wanted my help with (detail removed by Moderator) but I said no as he deserves nothing from me. I hated saying no as he needs my help but I knew that if I did he would make it difficult for me as he has done before. Mimicking being abrupt with me. I just do t k ow what to do. I would love some sort of apology but he will want to come to me in a few days and tell me that he gets frustrated because I don’t listen and I’ll have to listen to him telling me it’s my fault. Nothing justifies hitting me. I’ll have to back down I know without having an apology. I hate that. I hate the onesidedness. How do you all deal with the aftermath x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Munchkin,

That all sounds horrible what you’ve just been through. I think the reality is that he was looking for a fight with you. He didn’t ask you a question to really listen to your answer, he asked you a question so that he could twist your answer in to something he could kick off about and abuse you. There is no rhyme or reason to this behaviour, no amount of thinking about it, wishing you had said something different, perhaps used a different tone of voice, used different words, expressed yourself differently – it wouldn’t have mattered. He was looking for any old excuse to act like this and to assault you.

Imagine him asking a question to someone at work over lunch? If he’d been angry with their answer, would he have sprayed his lunch all over them by shouting at them and then chased them in the workplace and hit them in the head? I can bet the answer would be no? So why does he act like this with you in this way in the privacy of home? It’s because he’s an abuser. It’s because he feels entitled to. It’s because he does not value you or respect you as a person.

If he needs help with something then there is a way of asking for help – respectfully. Just because people need help it doesn’t mean we have to help them, so don’t feel guilty about not helping him. He’s brought this on himself. Let him do (detail removed by Moderator) on his own, or ask a mate to help him, I’m presuming he’d ask a mate in a more appropriate way?

With regards to asking how we cope?… well, we’ll suffer this awful atmosphere at home for a while, and then we’ll go out of our way to apologise to him about what we said that made him angry enough to shout at us and assault us, and then we’ll do something we know he likes so he’ll forgive us for our behaviour that made him behave this way, and then everything will be ‘sort of okay’ for a little while, then we’ll be walking on eggshells because we sense this will happen again sometime soon, and round and round we go in the cycle of abuse until we decide we don’t want to live like this anymore. The cycle only ends when WE break it.

I hope you manage to break it soon and leave this relationship.

xx

[Munchkin04]

Thank you so so much. Everything you say I know is true. I haven’t slept. He’s got up given me a sarcastic good morning got himself all spruced up and put aftershave on and gone out. I’m left in a heap wondering why? Just why? Why don’t I get what others get? Why can’t he apologise for hurting me no matter what he feels I’ve done. I’m not perfect far from it but he’s always the first to lose his temper and it gets out of hand. I feel so lost yet again. Worthless not important. My insecurities come to the forefront. I don’t want him to see me cry look at my body my imperfections. I don’t understand. And in his head this will all be my fault for not listening. He’s told me before now that he had to take himself away from the cause of his anger. That’s me. Am I responsible for his temper? His lack of reasoning, rational thinking. His frustrations with everything around him. He loans about everything and everybody. The dog gets in his way he can’t just do what he wants without something or somebody getting in his way. Am I just a burden? I’ve told him before now to go then. Then I’m told I’m missing the point. I don’t know how to be anymore how to talk how to breathe. Im so so sad today

[Hereforhelp]

You aren’t missing the point, he isn’t making a point, what he is doing is abusing you. You are not responsible for his feelings, he is a grown man. If he is that unhappy then he would leave but he isn’t going anywhere as he is able to feed off you, when he senses a shift that you are seeing the real him he will up the abuse or claim to be a victim.

Keep posting ❤️

[Munchkin04]

So I told him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that he wouldn’t dream of doing this to anybody else in public. I also told him that I have never had anybody abuse me or lose their temper over the way I say something or don’t explain myself properly or haven’t listened. I also said that not once have I had an apology afterwards which shows me lack of respect or importance. His reply
Go and find somebody else then.
I’m absolutely gobsmacked. I then told him that his answer says it all. That he feels he was justified and not sorry.
Who in their right mind doesn’t apologise after hitting somebody. Am I expecting too much? I am absolutely shocked at his reply. He has given me one word answers this evening after I tried to ask him about his day as he has been out all day. I’m at a loss now as to where this goes. Do I just wait for him to come to me. I can’t bring myself to go near him. God I hate this. He acts like he’s done nothing. I want to scream at him.

[Needtoclarify]

Hi Munchkin04, I think it’s always much more simple and we can confirm the answers to our questions if we pretend the expect same scenario was happening to a friend or a sister or a niece or a cousin.

So you need to ask yourself, if one of those dear ones to you told you what you have experienced with him, what advice would you give?

He’s an abuser, it’s not about you at all. You are good enough, you are not to blame, he’ll never ever see things from your point of view or even adknowledge the damage he’s doing to you. He’s incapable of real love so you’d be at no loss to walk away from him when he has nothing good to offer you.

I hope you get the strength to know your worth and stop doubting it’s in any way caused by you xx

[Ladyluce]

I know exactly what you are going through.Although I don’t get hit, I am often told to” shut up, or I will throw something at you”. I am told daily that what I say is a load of rubbish, and if only I knew how thick I was , I would improve my mind. I am told anyone hearing me talk for the first time will think , what a thicko, and how dumb and mindless I am. (Detail removed by Moderator). I know I shouldn’t have to justify my intelligence. I am average, sadly, not an academic, maybe, if I was I would gain his approval. However, I have been to university, studied for three years, and helped to financially support us for years, (detail removed by Moderator). I hate my life, every day ridiculed,shouted at,made to feel worthless. What a sad life isn’t it?

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