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I KNOW the answer to this, but need strong women to confirm before I lose my mind! His friend called me recently to tell me (like we’re 15 !) that it’s definitely over because he’s so concerned about me and my issues he can’t continue the relationship. When I last spoke to him myself, I got a rendition about how I’m too damaged/over emotional for him.
So, this is what our relationship was like, pretty much every day:
– Him calling me every day while I’m working to rant about his day/life/illnesses (which don’t exist)
– Every time we met, his face being like thunder and him telling me he could really do without the distraction of seeing me
– Him dominating every conversation, constantly interrupting when I mentioned any of my stuff
– Him criticising how I do things, from washing up to putting pans away. Telling me he can’t cope with my inability to do things his way.
– Him expecting sex at least twice a day, even when I’m ill or on my period. Sex was controlling and he can only get turned on by S+M. When I said I didn’t like it, him quickly trying those behaviours again and then telling me why it definitely wasn’t abusive.
– Him constantly talking about his many exes and either saying how they did him wrong or how they handled things/him better than I did.
– Him telling stories about the police being called out numerous times when he was with many of these exes, but how it was always their fault. He admitted he’s punched, hit, bitten a few but that was “the old him” and only because they were b*****s.
– Him always having some crisis/illness just as I was about to go home, then me spending hours fixing it so I was late for my daughter and my work (I’m self employed)
– Him never ever having any money and being happy to use/take mine.
– Him being unable to cope with me getting upset, and saying there must be something wrong with my internal chemistry that makes me cry all the time
— Him getting annoyed with my dog for taking too long sniffing on walks
– In the early days, him interrogating me about how many sexual partners I’d had. Then constantly telling me I’m “too good” or “too sensual” in bed and it makes him think I’ll look elsewhere.
– Him telling me not to give other men eye contact
…the list goes on. We’ve spent so long talking about him and his tragic childhood/miserable life that despite all this I still feel overwhelming sorry for him. I’m doubting myself every second because I feel like he’s the one in pain, not me!
Please confirm what I know to be true and help me stop worrying about him/feeling sad for that lost little boy!
Thanks x
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Guilt is part of the toolkit of abuse and he’s brainwashed you so much during the relationship that you’re still feeling it. Fear Obligation and Guilt. A FOG they keep us in. He’s not your responsibility and even getting this ‘friend’ to ring you is all part of the abuse. You can bet he’s told everyone who will listen that you’re the problem and he is the victim so please don’t give him any more of your attention or energy because he feeds off it and uses it against you. Read back that list and ask yourself what advice you’d give a friend if it was their list. Any contact with him takes up valuable head space. That feeling of insanity you won’t get from any other relationship in your life apart from an abuser.
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Thanks KIP, you’re always full of words of wisdom!
I’ve ordered Why Does He Do That and will learn more about FOG. Started counselling too, so really looking forward to finding myself again but know it will be a long road.
You’re right, he will definitely be convincing himself and others it’s all me, and there’s been a big bit of me that’s believed it too. The list goes on, but you get the gist. I blocked his number a while ago and don’t ever want to see him again, just still imagine him sitting there alone in his bedroom feeling sorry for himself! Crazy innit
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I used to feel sorry for my ex. It took me a long time to shake that feeling but while I was worrying about him he was out with another woman, emptying my bank account and turning my family against me. Make no mistake, this man would destroy you in an instant and gain great pleasure from it. Save your energy for your own recovery, youre going to need it. Make sure your therapist is trained in domestic abuse. It can be devastating to recovery if you get someone who doesn’t understand the dynamics.
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Hi feelinglikeafool,
You’re sane 🙂
So, this ‘friend’ (flying monkey) is passing on how ‘concerned’ your ex is about you heh? That’s complete b******s. Someone has phoned you to stir it all up and cause you anguish.
Your ex has shown you who he is, he has told you who he is. There are huge red flags with who he is.
He’s told you he’s assaulted previous girlfriends and told you it’s their fault he assaulted them!You can be assured you will be added to that list of psycho ex girlfriends to his next girlfriend, and she may probably feel sorry for that ‘poor, lost little boy’ he pretends to be, thinking she can be ‘the one’ that is the answer to all of his misery and poor experiences with women, and with all of her love, compassion and understanding he will be magically transformed!
You’re well rid of him, you know you are, and we’re here to confirm it too 🙂
Don’t engage with these ‘friends’ and don’t worry about your ex. He’ll be fine, he’s probably got his next victim lined up already.
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Thanks for the confirmation! It’s amazing how they mess with your head and make you doubt everything. Even when we met there were red flags galore (though I didn’t know about the exes til much later or I’d have run a mile) but I got sucked in my his sadness I think. It’s like I was hypnotised at times. If it was my daughter or a friend I’d have been screaming get out for months, and the voice inside me said the same but I just kept blocking it out.
A bit of space and clarity has really helped, just got to get on with healing now but I know it’ll be a long process.
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Feelinglikeafool, he’s a mind gamer he’s flattering/devaluing you, using his deluded and probably lied to friend as a flying monkey(if your not familiar with the term and it’s relation to abuse have a little look) it’s their games, games, boring games they all do the same thing it’s yawn worthy after a while, the same patterns, my exes didn’t/wouldn’t do/say this/that, your better than my ex’s in this way/that way. Then your better than (fill in the names) by doing or being or looking this way ? ? ? You get what I mean? Mind games/tactics from pathetic men that haven’t and will never grow up, let them go off and play, keep your grounding and your sanity and cut them off for good 🍁🍂🌺
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That’s wonderful to hear 💖 hold on to it, every chance you get 💖💞💖
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they are all the same….
– sex was always on his terms and involved doing things I disliked/was uncomfortable with – if I didn’t do them then I was frigid or boring. Often threats of il go to the next hot model, you’re old anyway (I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator))
– never had money , only for his drug use but not when it needed to be spent on dinners/hotels/drinks – that was always my responsibility.
– getting annoyed if I took more than 5 mins to read a menu at a restaurant because he was hungry and couldn’t wait.
– I was always criticised for the way I stood/dressed/spoke/ who I was friends with, my family, my job
– He had “abandonment” issues so I was supposed to be the ride or die! I was supposed to love him through anything.
– also unable to cope with my emotions especially if I was upset because of the way he treated me. I was too emotional and also had mental health problems according to him
– I couldn’t watch movies that he didn’t approve of, I couldn’t look at other people
this will just confirm to you as much as it has to me that these horrible men are all made out of the same twisted mess! I spent (detail removed by Moderator) forgiving him and hoping for a better tomorrow – I lost all of my (detail removed by Moderator) and almost lost my (detail removed by Moderator) but I have managed to survive. you can too. leave him and never ago back if you want to live a happy meaningful life!
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It’s mind boggling how similar they all are. Everything was always someone else’s fault, and towards the end it was always mine.
Life would have been impossible with him, I was already becoming a shell of who I used to be. I still woke up this morning in a panic and he’s still always in my head, but anger is taking over now. What a lucky escape we’ve had to be free from these monsters!!
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I am still so shocked when i read others stories on here cause i shout hes me too, yes mine does that too, its like they all read the same book right? Sweetie as others have said read back your post read it again and again. You are sane in fact you are amazing. You saw it you accepted it and you got out. Well done you. Never doubt how amazing you are.
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Thanks, think they’re all made in the same factory! I’ve been keeping a journal and it’s really helped to see it all written down…
It was actually him that finished it in the end, but only because I’d called him out on his behaviour and told him I knew who/what he was. Once the mask had fallen off he couldn’t bear to look at me so he ended it with a brutal character assassination about all my “issues”. At first I felt totally rejected and worthless but boy am I glad it happened! Even just a few weeks in I’m getting a sense of peace and relief I haven’t felt in ages. You’re amazing too! We all are ❤️
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