2nd April 2016 at 9:08 am #12729
I think this has finally broken me. I have been gone a long time I fled but he is using the system to harass me and won’t leave me alone.
He doesn’t care for the children but cancels then restarts proceedings, messes around court officials, sacks solicitors you name it they let him. He has been found guilty but still blames me for it all.
How do you cope? I’ve lost my whole life and am totally isolated from everyone due to running and so very lonely.
My father is very ill and I can’t be there it’s so cruel why will no one help me?
2nd April 2016 at 9:10 am #12731
He doesn’t even see them and the only indirect contact he had he sent threats it’s just so hard why can’t anyone get these monsters away?
I should add the proven assaults were on them what is wrong with this system? What does giving me a break down achieve?
There is nothing currently on going so I’m not breaking the rules but advice would be great.
2nd April 2016 at 10:01 am #12732White RoseParticipant
First things first I’m sending you an enormous hug. Wish I could be there in person to deliver it. You sound so desperate.
Next – kettle on and make a cup of tea.
When you’ve done that remind yourself absolutely none of this is your fault it’s all down to him and he sounds bonkers! He’s doing it as he needs control over everyone and everything and eventually he’ll trip up or meet his match.
It sounds like you need a good solicitor to work with him so he’s not getting to you. If you’ve not got one yet then local women’s aid group can probably recommend someone with expertise in abuse issues.
Is there no way you can visit your dad? Or talk on the phone to him? If he’s too I’ll to talk back you can still talk to him.
Come back later and rant some more and we’ll try to help. Don’t forget – get the kettle on and maybe ring helpline too?
Much love and hang on in there you are going to be ok xxxxx
2nd April 2016 at 10:32 am #12734
I’ve got a solicitor the problem is he sacked his and won’t talk to anyone. My DV worker just says I have to stop obsessing!! Hard not too.
We do speak on the phone I just feel like we are missing his last time it’s so unfair.
2nd April 2016 at 10:42 am #12735AyannaParticipant
Oh, big hugs!
Your father is important. Whatever happens, find a way to see him. Do not let the abuser prevent you from doing this.
Do what White Rose said: make a cup of tea, clear your thoughts.
The system is not on the side of women. We have a patriarchal system in this world and women are suppressed. We have to fight for everything we want in life.
What does it do to you that he blames you? He was found guilty, yeahhh! Victory for you!
Now the family court horror is your next war to focus on.
He will use the system to persecute you. And the system allows him to do that.
What do you want as an outcome?
Have you ever articulated clearly to the family court that you need to be left alone in order to have a chance to rebuild yours’ and your children’s lives?
He was found guilty, is a danger to your children.
You can tell stories how dangerous he is for them.
Doe he still have your phone number?
Can you not go zero contact, change phone number and only communicate vial social services regarding the children?
You can complain to the family court manager if you are not happy with procedures. You can sit in a separate room. You can have a video link. If he was found guilty you can request all of that and they have to provide this. Do not sit in the same room with him. Request a separate waiting area. That way the court also sees that the situation is serious.
Speak to the liaison volunteers in the court to support you.
You cannot influence what he does, let him mess around. Protect yourself when you have to go to court hearings.
That will give you a sense of control over the situation too.
When the ex abuser’s solicitors contacted me I told them to keep it at a minimum because I was very fragile. That made it harder for them, easier for me.
He tried to chase me with mediators. I told the mediators some things and they never called me again.
What do social services say? Do you have a WA support person?
Ring Rights of Women. They have great advice.
These are my thoughts.
I want to encourage you to get him out of your life and to fight like a lioness to achieve this.
You are a woman. Women are stronger than men. x*x
2nd April 2016 at 11:01 am #12736
We have won in family court too he’s guilty of abuse to kids and me. Very high risk and would never be given unsupervised however he still likes to not leave me alone. They can apparently keep applying as much as they want regardless. It’s Never about the kids no gifts sent other than threats to me it’s insane.
I have no contact at all he sadly was told where kids are educated by court mess up- don’t ask. So that is a worry we have alarms and panic buttons fitted. Tyres have been let down but police say I drove over the nails.. He’s hired private investigators in the past so can’t have my post here the list goes on..
Ss said no contact but they shut the case when it went to court so we are stuck in no mans land at the moment.
Kids don’t know him so it’s insane who would reintroduce that?
I am wondering about getting a doctors letter about the strain and anxiety I am under incase it does try and go back to court yet again so you think that would hold weight? I had professionals come to court for me before it’s insane this can keep being threatened to restart.
2nd April 2016 at 11:20 am #12737AyannaParticipant
Oh my, that is more than awful.
Yes, get a GP letter and get a referral for counselling/therapy. That has weight.
But, this situation needs to end. He must be stopped.
What if you write to Michael Gove?
You have a right for a life too.
You can complain to the court about leaking the information. You can make a fuss they have never seen.
Why do you not involve newspapers and TV? He destroys your life and your children’s life, does not let you move on. Why don’t you go to the media to say you want to live in peace without any fear for your children’s and your own safety.
Call Rights of Women too.
2nd April 2016 at 11:28 am #12739
You’ve come to the right place. Everyone here knows exactly what you are going through!
Hope you have made yourself that cup of tea.
It drives me mad when people say you’re obsessing: what they don’t see is that it is the abuser who is stirring all the time, covertly, trying to upset you.
I had a DV worker who was utterly amazing; I had another before her who was decidedly lacking in empathy and from the ‘get a grip’ brigade.
First, you need to shake off the feeling that you deserve to be judged for feeling as you do, or that you are wrong to feel as you do. We’ve all been there. I was such a mess, I couldn’t physically open a bag of peas. I threw up every morning with nerves. Your DV worker is thinking she is helping, but that ‘get a grip’ attitude isnt helping. For you, the abuse is very real.
Secondly, the system is lacking and your abuser is a stealthy and clever abuser: but, know what? You have more courage and more wisdom in your little finger than he will ever have, or that the erroneous legal system has.
You have courage and strength- to have put up with al, you have an amazing amount of both.
Secondly, you have power, because you have knowledge. You have knowledge of abusive tactics, you know what perpetrator game is, you know his tactics- you can see them, even if others can’t.
This knowledge gives you such power. You can predict his next moves, rather than be shocked and fearful of them. My nicer DV worker ( she was amazing) told me you will eventually be able to laugh and snort at his pathetic behaviour. One day, you will.
Where he gets his power from is by continuing to be able to affect you. Fear is what seems to be the overwhelming factor in how you feel. Fear is what wrecked me too.
But I want you to realise that you have all it takes to win. You have all it takes to eject the monster from your life. And you have what it takes to have a loving relationship with your kids and for you to all be independent, peaceful and happy in the future. He, meanwhile, will never know that. He’s too selfish, sick and twisted to know anything like that.
Play the long game, however hard it is. Let him burn himself out. All you need to do is sit back and watch the circus. He will show everyone who he is eventually, in fact most people can probably see already: all you’ve got to do is bide time, his mask may take a while to fall. Be a graceful swan, even if you are paddling like mad under the surface- only open up to those you can trust, like the women on here. Don’t reveal anything of yourself to unsupportive people- they will set you back.
No contact in any form is a must.
Keep talking, keep getting support, keeping sounding off to those who can help. Get all the advice from different places that you can.
Don’t believe him when he says its your fault. Abusers project all the blame. They never take responsibility.
Take extra good care of yourself. Take the day slowly. He won’t be able to carry on forever- he will lose strength and lose his grip. And every day, with the right support,my ou will get stronger and stronger. In two years’ time, you won’t know yourself. I promise xxxx
2nd April 2016 at 11:34 am #12740
Just read your update on him being high risk.
My tyres were mysteriously prone to punctures too; he drove my son to want to hang himself.
Log everything-dates, times. Create a file. I agree, call Rights of Women. Also call Women’s Aid, the NSPCC helpline and gather all the advice you can in how to move forward.
Do this step by step. As you talk to those who are equipped to help, your strength and knowledge will grow. It’s a gradual process, but you will win in the end.
If he applies to see the children, you will have the strength to deal with that- and we will all be here to help X
2nd April 2016 at 11:43 am #12741White RoseParticipant
Are you having any direct contact from him or is it all through solicitor feedback? If so then I suggest you don’t respond to him but pass all details to solicitor and police as it’s clearly harassment and ongoing emotional abuse and isnt productive in terms of where it’s getting you. No contact means you dont contact him but sadly it won’t stop him unless it’s a breach of his bail or another order. You need to ignore it (easier said than done I’ve been useless at it!! ) Your solicitor can do the communicating for you.
Are you going through divorce or financial settlement if so I think court can eventually take control if he keeps stalling ask solicitor.
Get in touch with local police and see if they have a domestic abuse team and see if you can be referred to them. Your local DA team can refer you (if they haven’t already).
Are you sure that every thing is closed down i.e. social services etc? I think there was another lady on here who was going through an appalling time and was told all services were no longer involved whereas actually they were all working in the background.
Seeing your GP is a good idea too.
My advice is keep reporting the abuse and harassment and if you are asked if you want police to intervene it may be your best idea to say yes. He’s got a background with them already.
Keep positive. This will all end, honestly it will, its just it takes so long and takes so much out of us.
Got to go out but will catch up later. Make sure you eat today and try to get some fresh air too xxxx
2nd April 2016 at 12:13 pm #12743
It’s shut because they have no problem with me and he’s no contact so they closed it all down it makes no sense how it works but that’s the situation.
He has no contact with me it’s all through solicitors but that’s enough to cause my melt downs sadly. I think I’m getting better then he pops up again.
I’m wondering what would happen if I just stop playing the game and refuse point blank to even discuss access or anything else anymore? We went to
Court and had an awful ordeal over days of being cross examined I’ve proved my point in law no sane person is going to think he’s a help to anyone.
Thanks so much guys you lot have really helped. I’m going to get the gp to write something out for me to confirm what this is doing to me. I’m the primary carer of small children it’s really unfair.
He refuses to deal with the financials apparently he can’t afford it although I left with nothing and he’s a portfolio of property and a very good job… He just ignores all contact.
2nd April 2016 at 1:04 pm #12748
I refused to discuss contact with him. Told him to take it to court.
NSPCC advised this- said that it offered less opportunity for him to abuse me, if dealt with in black and white by the authorities. X*x
2nd April 2016 at 1:17 pm #12750KIP.Participant
The court process can go ahead without him. Get a good solicitor to push it through. He’s had his chance. If he doesn’t turn up or get representation the court will make the decision for him. No more messing about. Tell your solicitor you don’t want to hear anything of what he is writing unless it is urgent and directly concerns you. My ex wrote rubbish and triggers in letters with no purpose. I got to the stage where I said I don’t want to read them and my solicitor should pick out any bits needing addressed. I really feel for you. Keep going x
2nd April 2016 at 1:41 pm #12752
My ex is claiming poverty, even though he is earning a fortune cash in hand and has money hidden away abroad.
He didn’t have a solicitor because he claimed he couldn’t afford one. He only hired a barrister for a day.
You can take your ex to court over the finances : you might be entitled to legal aid because of the abuse. If he is poor, he doesn’t need to hire a solicitor- though I bet he’ll get one last minute.
You can tell your solicitor all about his portfolio.
The financial court is fair- even though the family court is lacking.
2nd April 2016 at 5:08 pm #12768Confused123Participant
U have to keep loggin everything, it is draining but long run goes in your favour, find a solicitor that will pursue in court even if he doesnt attend , good u having no contact , if his still finding ways to get to u , log it all with police till they issue harrassemnt order, go and see your dad , show they have no control of us , take someone with u for safety if needed. Recovery is long road , u will get there in end ,u already have done so well getting this far
2nd April 2016 at 6:36 pm #12785
Even if your SS case was closed, you can request help from The Children’s Services and the Early Intervention Team, if you feel fearful. They can offer support.
I would thoroughly recommend the NSPCC helpline. No one can praise that charity enough. They prepared me for what might happen in the future, and gave me clear vision for a purposeful path.
2nd April 2016 at 7:56 pm #12791
Thanks all for the words of support it means a lot. I just worry so much that even though the case was proven and even though he refuses to admit any of it and has lied and made a farce out of the court system he can still play these stupid games.
It’s always me that gets the court officials all over them and has to deal with the stress and worry. If it goes back it will be a section 7 report apparently.
The best he would ever get would be supervised permanently and he lives hundreds of miles away so is never going to keep it up but he’s allowed to keep doing this. Logic tells me we are fine but I can’t bare him to even breathe near them. I gave up my past and future to come away and protect them, battled through court, won and now this again it’s torment.
If supervised contact was given and you refuse to comply does anyone know what would happen?
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