18th May 2020 at 8:33 am #103624ByzantiumParticipant
Hi everyone. After (detail removed by moderator) of things being better my partner’s behaviour has started to change. The criticism and name calling has started to creep back into the relationship.
(Detail removed by moderator), after I came back from shopping after working, he became very angry and started scolding me like a child and asking why I had bought certain things (from his list) and he wanted a different version of these things to what he usually wanted. He ridiculed my shopping ability, said I was useless and called me some names. He said (detail removed by moderator). A few hours later he was really nice but a few hours after that he was really angry when he was (detail removed by moderator) (I walked into the kitchen to lay the table and make drinks and asked if there was anything I could do to help him. He turned to me and said if I didn’t get out of (detail removed by moderator) he would (I stressed the ‘will’ when he said I will) kill me. I didn’t think he would actually do that for a second but his anger and words took me by surprise. Is it ever ok to say that even in anger or as a form of expression?
Something small happened (detail removed by moderator) which threw me. He said he wants me to tell him I love him every day (I do almost every day anyway) because he needs me to show and prove I love him. Then he added that he would not tell me he loves me (he doesn’t unless I say it anyway) (detail removed by moderator). The last bit threw me a little. It seemed like a strange thing to say. Has anyone experienced something similar before?
He has also said (detail removed by moderator).
He has expressed that he wants more sex and he gets angry if I don’t initiate sex often enough. I completely understand why he wants more of an active sex life and it’s something I’m trying to work towards with him. He says I obviously don’t love him or find him attractive or we would have more sex. I hate to think I make him feel that way when it’s not true.
I admit my sex drive has decreased (detail removed by moderator) but it’s only because I have been suffering from depression, work long hours and try to do as much as I can to help around the home. The stress of being the only income earner for (detail removed by moderator) hasn’t helped. I have to use all my pay (goes to joint account) plus my overdraft every month. He has finally applied for unemployment benefits recently but insists he needs to keep the money for his bills and to save the rest. If he would contribute £5 a month I feel at least he was showing that we were in it together. I was on antidepressants but he made me give them up a long time ago because he was convinced they gave me low energy and poor libido.If it’s a bad day and he’s said something horrible to me I don’t always want sex afterwards- it’s not deliberate, it’s just it can really knock my confidence and make me feel low. Being ‘useless’ doesn’t make me feel attractive like I used to feel.
He is still really keen on having a baby but I’m still doubting if it is the right thing to do. Something doesn’t feel right in my gut and I can’t explain it.
He does like to joke about me and joke how useless I am at shopping, how he wouldn’t let me cut his hair (I wouldn’t know where to start anyway! Lol) but took offence when I declined a haircut from him. He says I’m too sensitive which might be true.
He can be wonderful and thoughtful one moment and a few hours later really mean then back to being nice.
I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve been so confused over the last year.
18th May 2020 at 8:46 am #103625AlittlelostParticipant
He sounds very manipulative and over needy to me and just very strange. Im not sure id be wanting to have a child with this man personally because i think it would get worse once a child was brought into the picture, jelousy ect. I find the having to say i love you thing a bit strange abd how he will with hold it from u is abuse.
20th May 2020 at 11:45 pm #103961CamelParticipant
“He can be wonderful and thoughtful one moment and a few hours later really mean then back to being nice.”
Where in anything you describe is he ‘wonderful’, ‘thoughtful’ or ‘nice’?
Do you think ‘really mean’ is a fair description of the majority of his behaviour?
18th May 2020 at 9:47 am #103627KIP.Participant
No it’s never okay to threaten to kill someone and in domestic abuse it’s a huge red flag and the police would take it extremely seriously. It’s not okay. He’s gaslighting you, pretending you have a bad memory to make you feel uncertain. He’s a liar. And controlling you by making you say you love him. If it wasn’t this request it would be something else. He wants to know he’s in control. He wants more sex again because it’s control. They always change the goal posts. Why on earth would you want to have sex with someone who treats you so badly. My ex used to say if I gave him more sex he wouldn’t be so angry and he wanted sex every day. After three days when I initiated sex again he couldn’t be bothered. It’s not about the sex it’s about seeing you under his control. Never have a child with this man. It’s not funny to be ridiculed and have your self esteem eroded yet he covers his disgusting behaviour behind a joke. Typical abuser tactic. Abuse caused my depression. It’s what happens when we are abused and we lose the things that gave us pleasure in life. He’s also financially abusing you. Have you spoke to women’s aid?
19th May 2020 at 8:44 pm #103827fizzylemParticipant
Please get rid of this man, he’s loading you up, you are taking care of it all, all the adult stuff for him, paying the bills, cleaning, shopping, working, there to give him sex whenever he wants it. This man will never leave and you are slowly dying inside, you’re overloaded which will lead to burnout eventually, you are depressed because you are unhappy and feel unable to do what you need to do here and call time; how can you discover happiness and your potential while in a rleationship with this man?
You don’t know when he will lose it with you but you do know it will be soon and for something else you have apparently got wrong; no wonder you have no libido.
Telling you to tell him you love him everyday only he won’t be doing the same is his way of checking to see whether he has you under control; along with trying to make you initiate sex more often. If it doesn’t feel right for both people then it’s not the right time is it.
Where is the love and care for you here? When does he ever lighten the load for you?
He sounds like a free loader, a parasite to me. You do all these things for him and still he puts you down, where is the appreciation? He does this so you don’t notice there is nothing equal in this relationship, no sharing, he’s not giving you anything here – is he? He tries to leave you feeling like you owe him, that you should be grateful having him around yes? Suppose he’d like you to believe there’s no one else out there that would ever take you on as well?
Listen to your gut here, you are right to be wary about having a child with this man; would take it from bad to worse. You need a man that shows you he wants to take care of you and a baby – not hearing this here at all.
Stop for a moment and list all the things he is getting from this relationship – then think about what it is exactly you are getting – I think you’ll find the scales are heavily tipped aren’t they x
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