Scared

[Tree19]

He left (detail removed by moderator)  weeks ago but comes back to have his kids here . (Detail removed by moderator) he came back and he’s just called me names all night and really nasty ones, swore at me, slammed doors. My kids are here so I put them bed early.he Keeps texting me abuse from downstairs. I m feeling really scared. I thought about going back but how can I after this. I got suspended from my job because of malicious allegations which I m starting to think has been him as he said he doesn’t care about my job.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Tree19

Its not working is it. This can’t be happening, as you are getting abused, and so are the children.

He can’t come back, its not his house anymore, not his home and there is nothing more inappropriate than him being in it. He has no reason to ever come back through your door. Its your home and he’s your enemy, not your friend. We are kind to our friends and welcome them to our house, but when you realise he’s your eney its not appropriate to let him into your home.

He can find somewhere else to see his kids, and preferably away from you, but with someone else to supervise the visit with him.

You have gone through much to get to this point so don’t let him back in again, he’s shown you what how he will continue to treat you, block him, and prevent any further access.

Maybe you could arrange somewhere else, with someone else and propose that as an alternative to move forward with? Then he won’t see you ever again. Won’t that be great?

warmest wishes

ts

[Tree19]

I think I need to stop thinking he cares about me and wants to help me. He brought me food shopping as I ve been left with no income so I said kids could stay. I love seeing his children as well. i m so confused and struggling. I m so worried about my job and cried all week and he said I m self centred and it’s all about me . Don’t think I m wrong for potentially losing my career am I

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

I can really hear how awrful all this is for you, and I understand better now what has happened, sorry I think I got confused before about understanding your situation.

I often experienced this, that nothing is given freely.

so, for instance, if you offer to see the children, he doesn’t need to come (no strings attached)
if he wants to help you with food, he can drop that off and leave (no strings attached)

When giving a gift, its for the receiver to do what they want with it, they might gift it to charity, or use it in a way the gifter does not like, but the gift belongs to the receiver, given freely.

Abusers will often use ‘acts ofkindness’ to abuse and manipulate, to gain access to you, to inveagle their way back into your life and to hurt you in any way possible.

If you want to see his children, then you can offer to collect them and take them out, or bring them to yours, but leaving him at his place, there’s no need for him to be there.

It must be a desperate worry for youwith your job uncertainty. Thats a huge worry, and no, its not just about you making it all about you.

Turn to your friends for support, not your enemy, he cannot be relied upon and he’s shown you repeatedly how he abuses any and all situations, he will not change.

Turn to others for support, those that actually give their support freely without expectations upon you.

You also urgently need to get to your GP or other health advisor to access food bank supplies. I think local churches might also potentially be able to help, or at least point you in the right direct, they are often involved in food banks/deliveries. they will give you food freely, without placing pressures on you.

Do keep talking and posting, is there any way we can help on here to work through your career concerns with you (without you revealing anything too specific that might be identifying?).

warmest wishes
ts

[Lisa]

Dear Tree19,

I just wanted to add some support. It can be so confusing when you are offered ‘help’ like this, but unfortunately as Ts says, it’s often as a means to getting some form of control. You’ve done so well to separate from him, it is so wrong you are feeling scared in your home. There is no doubt that when children are involved it is difficult to reduce or stop contact, but it is possible. It sounds like you are realising it can’t continue like this; he is continuing his abuse and it’s damaging for you and will be affecting your little ones too.

Your work situation must be causing you a huge amount of stress, I wonder if you would consider opening up to them about what you’ve been going through, in minimal detail, in the hope that they might be more understanding? Just a thought.

If you haven’t yet got any local support in place, please consider contacting your local domestic abuse service to see if they can offer you some practical and emotional support. They may also be able to help you access some legal advice. Unfortunately we know that abuse doesn’t stop after separation, and often escalates, so this a crucial time for you to create your boundaries and get some help to keep you safe, so you can start to heal and enjoy life again.

Please do post when you can to let us know how you are, there’s always support here.

Lisa

[Tree19]

Thank you Lisa. This weekend he has been packing all his belongings for storage place ready to find his own place away from his mums . He wants us to be together and live apart but I don’t want that, if someone doesn’t want to live with you whilst married is there a point. i said this and caused argument then he saw me upset and took me for lunch and was nice again

[Author]

Posts