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I spoke to WA today and my word they are fantastic. I’m so scared though as she thought we needed a safeguarding referral for his behaviour. I’m terrified that I have overreacted or not got it right. I feel so guilty calling out his behaviour. Have I done the right thing? All I hear from him lately is a man who would stop at nothing to retain control over me at whatever cost to his son. It’s a repeated message and I know I had to take moves to protect my son. I’m not sure how we ended up here, the abuse was so subtle and only now I want to leave is it all displaying itself to me in all of its ugly glory.
It’s hard when you’re wired differently, it’s hard to even comprehend a world where you don’t put your child’s welfare first. It’s hard not to feel torn between feeling the problem is you (at least then you still feel some control) and feeling dismay at the realisation of the monster they really are. Does anyone understand what I’m saying?
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Yes, you have done the right thing and there is no need to feel guilty, easier said than done I know, but when you sit and go over what has been done to you you realise just how subtle their actions have been and just how you have learnt to live with behaviour that you would not usually tolerate. There comes a day when the penny drops and you realise that you are not living just surviving, we all try to justify their behaviour but no matter what spin we put on it there is no justification for abuse of any kind. Take care, beachhut.
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The trouble is that abuse is so insidious that survivors just don’t notice how precarious their situation has become. You know the frog in boiling water scenario?
Dv charities are all different in how effective they are but I think they do all know their stuff. If they’ve referred you then you can be confident it’s the right thing. Unfortunately, it’s normal for women to question whether they have over reacted because by the time they seek help, they’ve spent years normalising their partners behaviour in order to survive. It often takes an outsider to see the clear picture.
Well done for calling them my lovely. It takes courage and I recall how terrifying and confronting it can feel when an expert affirms that you are living a dangerous reality.
You are doing the right thing for you and your son. You are not alone. WA and the forum will walk this path with you. xx
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Firstly how brave are you for contacting WA and getting some help thats incredable well done.
Acceptance is so difficult Im not there yet but I know the feeling of blaming yourself so you feel more in control that you talk about i have that too. The wondering what you did wrong, when did it all start?
You could drive yourself crazy wondering how you got here I do but I think what matters now is where you go now not the how nor the why but where now.
Be proud of the bravery you have shown and continue along that path allow people to help and guide you as you dont have to walk alone we are with you too x -
Thankyou so much everyone for your kind words. I have been reading back through the messages between me and my ex over the years and they are a brutal wake up call. My default is to see the best in people and to try to take responsibility to create change myself.
(detail removed by Moderator). It’s a scary reality to realise he isn’t motivated by love and care, but by power and control and I never saw it. I’m reading ‘the verbally abusive relationship’ by Patricia Evans and it’s like she’s writing my whole life with him. It’s both empowering and terrifying in equal measures. I feel like I’ve just woken up to it all, it’s such a lot to process.
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What have people done in regards to children and them seeing them I’m terrified to send my son there but have no evidence of abuse ?
I don’t trust him one bit !
I don’t trust he won’t mentally abuse my child or I am terrified he will put my child in harms way of other people as he just does not care and brings whoever he wants around after five minutes of knowing them. I am scared every day and I’m so frightened to be happy as I am always on edge about the safety of my child or him trying to take my child. -
@ fishnchips Well done. First massive step.
I am still at the beginning of this too. When my therapist said it was abuse I was relieved but cried.Same pattern for me too, lots and lots of red flags but when I was soo exhausted and tried to leave thats when the mental abuse really kicked in. Its all my fault, if only I was a better person, i destroyed them, how can you do this without fixing all the things you have done etc etc.
In anyone day I doubt what I am being told. Believe I have made it up. Believe I am making it up.
I will order and read that book. Thank you for the sign post.
@Seven@ can you talk to WA i have no experience to advise. I just wanted to know you were heard. There are people here listening.Sending all massive amount of well wishes and support. Thank you.
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