Scared

[Toofarr]

His behvaiour is getting worse. He is waiting on me to change he has said I need to do XYZ for him and he won’t accept any less. He won’t stop. He is tormenting me daily, punishing me. Because I haven’t done these things and because I can see he no longer loves me. He absolutely hates me. He keeps saying he won’t let me ruin his life, he won’t let me XYZ…
On top of that, I wrote in my last post, he is using our child to continue the torment and abuse . It’s got to a point where I feel he is mentally unstable. He has resorted to making comments about my physical appearance and bullying me daily. I can’t handle the mental torture anymore.

This feels like a ticking time bomb. He keeps making threats weekly. He keeps saying cryptic things alluding to the fact he won’t tolerate me much longer. He has said if things don’t change he will not carry on. I think he is trying to get me to submit that’s why he is doing all this and he is angry that I haven’t made the changes for him. But I am also scared what he is going to do eventually when he’s had enough and explodes ? I feel like he’s planning something? Hes absolutely miserable and doesn’t want me anymore. He hates his life and blames me for everything. He will not take any responsibility.

The other part thinks he is doing this to push me out to get me to leave? He wants to toruture me to the point I leave so he can blame everything on me finally have the life he wants?

Nothing is the same anymore because I haven’t given in. He’s punishing me for that. But I am more worried about how he is going to use our daughter in all this. He keeps using her to punish me. Doing things I don’t like and approve of. Pushing things on her when she’s so young.

He has said horrible things to my face. Brought me to tears with no mercy. He is getting out of hand and I am scared where this is heading. I can’t give him what he wants because it’s not in me but I also know it won’t be good for me if I don’t ? I honestly just think he is going to explode. Scared what to do because I am still taking baby steps and don’t know when I’ll be ready to go.

[smallbutbrave]

Hello there

I am going through the same sort of thing right now. He wants me to change and it is so unreasonable the things he wants me to do. I really don’t want to as I can’t bear him and he makes me feel really scared and afraid if I don’t carry out his demands. It is so hard, he makes life so unbearable. The threats of harm towards me and even threats to kill if he ‘doesn’t see changes’ Inwon’t go into his demands and what I have to do to please him but he said none of this will stop until he see’s improvments. I recently contacted the police and they were very helpful. Have you thought about doing that?? I know it is scary, it took me years to contact the police.

I don’t really have any advice for you but just wannted you to know I know how how s**t it is, esp when children are involved. He threatens to take our son away from me and I will never see him again?!

Is your partner controlling??

[Toofarr]

He’s making mainly indirect threats but has said multiple times that things are done because I am not giving him what he wants.

Yes he is very controlling. Right now he is using our child to control me but also he is doing things with her he knows I don’t approve of and completely taken over all parenting decisions. He is doing everything in his power to take over and push me aside just to torment and punish me. Things I’ve said before I don’t want or like for her, he’s doing on purpose. Making parents decisions without my agreement. Raising his voice and insulting me , bickering infront of our daughter. I am scared he will take her away from me to punish me further. He has threatened me before.

I’ve been told I can report his behaviour to 101 but I am unsure what I can say without them turning up at my door? What do I tell them?

I am just scared this isn’t heading down a good place and I am more worried how his behaviour is going to affect my daughter. I’ve told him to stop for her sake, he won’t.

[smallbutbrave]

Your OH sounds alot like mine, theeats all the time. He has tKen over alot with childcare as I work alot. He said he is doing it to help me but I think it is so he looks like number 1 dad and I could never live without his help! He says things infront of our son that he knows I do not agree with. However he doesn’t care. It feels like as his mother I have no say in anything anymore and if I disagree with him on something regarding our son all hell breaks lose. He speaks to me like s**t infront of out son aswell. Luckily my son is a lovely boy and we are very close and his dads behaviour hasn’t rubbed off on him. How old is your daughter??

So i called 101 (detail removed by Moderator) when I was visiting (detail removed by Moderator). Like you I really disn’t want them turning up at my door. I spoke to a lovely lady officer, the phonecall took about 2 hours. She just wanted to know about everything that had happened over the years and I gave details of his behaviour and all the abuse. She also asked me lots of questions about my case and went through lots of safeguading stuff. She told me they could arrest him and she was really concerned. I almost had to beg her to not turn up at my house and she understood how scared I was and not ready for that. Someone from their domestic abuse team would contact me and put a plan in place if i wanted it. However they did close the case because I didn’t want to take it any further for now but told me I can come back to them at anytime and gave me a case number. She did also mark my name and number so if i ever called 999 they would respond straight away. It was the scariest thing i have ever done just making those small steps but it gave me piece of mind.

[Bananaboat]

You’ve got to protect yourself. If you give in to this demand it’ll just be another one tomorrow, giving in to everything & losing yourself won’t stop him. You have to take the threats seriously as you never know if/when they will be – keep a log somewhere if what he says & does. Reach out to Women’s Aid chat.

He may not follow through with the threats as these men often treat us so badly that we leave them, and their story can be ‘she left me in the victim’, but look after yourself. The more you learn about abuse, the more you see & realise it’s not you & there’s nothing you can do to stop/change him x

[Toofarr]

His demands I cannot give intoX they are things I cannot get myself to do. He’s blaming everything on me, telling me I need to change and he’s waiting on that. He keeps saying he’s been waiting months and nothings been done. So now he’s punishing me for it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am worried how this is affecting our child. He wants me sit back while he says and does what he wants around her. And because I don’t most of the time; it’s making him more angry.

I don’t know what his threats mean, whether he means he will end things and leave or he will do something worse to me? He hasn’t been direct about it and won’t elaborate. I am scared he will abduct her if things get worse.

I don’t expect him to change and I don’t want to do the things he wants. But I know if I don’t he will only get worse.

[Bananaboat]

Have you tried changing the narrative, something like if you’re so unhappy with me then leave? What does he do?

If you’re really scared about safeguarding your child then reach out for help – better to have that knowledge tucked away if ever needed. Remember these men are bullies, they know how to make us react and threats about taking the kids are very triggering. I know how incredibly hard it is when you’re in it but sometimes remembering that he’s a bully can trigger your brain to say ‘hang on a minute’. You don’t have to live like this, there’s help and hope available x

[Toofarr]

Yes I’ve tried to ask him several times why he’s with me, he just turns the question back to me. He says you’re only here because of our child. I think he knows deep down how I feel about him and his family.

He keeps me around just to control me and he doesn’t want to be the one to end it I guess. I don’t know what to think because every time I ask him to sit down and talk he refuses or if I try to talk he gets angry walks out. He refuses to resolve anything because he’s out all blame on me.

In regards to our child, if he carries on doing this to her, then I’d have to take action. I feel terrible and guilty. Like I’ve failed her.

[Sad and alone]

So sorry Toofarr. You are not alone. I am constantly told I need to change but in all honesty I don’t think it matters what I do as it’ll never be enough. The goalposts will change. And tbh I don’t know what’s so bad about me anyway! I get told if I change then he will change the way he is towards me and he will be more loving etc. I get tired of being told I am no good as I am.
I get the bit about being scared too. I think it’s a sign you’ve lost trust in that person. I’ve been in an argument and he’s had a cup of hot drink and I just had this feeling he might throw it over me. He didn’t, but I shouldn’t even be thinking he would!
I imagine it’s hard regards parenting. I don’t have children. I really wanted them, it’s all I wanted, but in my current situation I’m kind of glad I don’t. I said to him once about how it wouldn’t be good to have children with the way things are between us and he reckoned it would be different. But it wouldn’t, he would still want the final say about everything and disregard my opinion.
If you are really worried about what he might do I would try and get the courage to just put it on record with the police. Nothing will happen, but there will be a record for the future.

[Toofarr]

Yes you’re right. I realised long time ago that nothing I do is good enough. There’s always something and everything is my fault.

Using our child to control me, to control her, to control parenting. He hates it if I make decisions for her or assert my opinions on what’s right for her. He wants me to shut up and do as he says. Which I can’t and I won’t!

I am thinking of making reports to 101 but I need to do it right I don’t want it to go wrong.

[Hereforhelp]

He has moved the goal posts to suit his bullying and controlling need.. be ause if you did do X Y, Z then what? What would change? You are doing nothing wrong yet he is punishing yoifor jot doing what he wants…he will pick up when you are unhappy with him using your child..as she is being raised in an abusive environment it will already be impacting her and as a mother that’s the hardest as I remember feeling too afraid to leave and I didn’t have the strength yo make him leave plus I was terrified of making my husband more angry as, like you, I didn’t know what he would do next!
If you are afraid for your child you can reach out for support? The scare tactic of losing your child is a scare tactic. . He is ramping it up as he senses a change, keep holding in there Toofar as he is testing you. This is considered one of the most dangerous and unpredictable stages as he has sensed a change in you, trust your gut and if you ever feel in danger ring the police.
HFH ❤️

[Toofarr]

How did you find the courage to leave? I really don’t want this for her but I am terrified of sharing access to her and not being there to protect her. If he’s doing this now, what will he do when I take action and leave? I know it will be worse for her without me there. I don’t know how to find the courage I feel like a failure.

I know these changes he wants me to make is just to keep more control of me, he’s using it as a tactic to abuse me. Things have shifted for months and he’s trying everything he can to assert himself and make my life hell.

[Hereforhelp]

I don’t think I found the courage.. I managed to separate and my children and I remained in the family home… he still persisted and I became too ill to deal with him.. my (detail removed by Moderator) told her dad not to come in anymore, I am so sad that my daughter stepped in but fast forward a few years my children and I are much happier, calmer, my health has improved so much!
It is good that you recognise his tactics… oh my you are not a failure, far from it…you are a warrior who has lived with abuse for years and that takes strength to just put one foot in front of the other…
I believe I got to a point of no return with my husband, he was also miserable (which I found confusing as why try to stay if he was so unhappy!).
Keep posting and be kind to yourself
HFH ❤️

[Sad and alone]

I’ve reported to 101 before (not about OH but about someone else that was abusive towards us). There is nothing to be worried about. You just say you want to notify them of the situation as you are concerned about his behaviour. That you don’t want to take any action but you just want it on record. If you are starting to feel unsafe it may be a good idea.

[Stargazing1]

I was scared when I was in the car with him the other day due to how badly he was shouting. Through crying tears I asked him to stop the car to let me get out because I didn’t want to be in the car with him any more . He played the victim then . I kept saying I want to get out of the car . He turned the car around and made his way back home . I detested every minute of being in that car. I really need to think hard about this relationship.

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