Very scared..

[Mbella]

I recently left and I’m terrified. This is at least the 5th time I’ve left and every single time he sucks me back in after a week at the most with his guilt trips, stalking, admiration, calling my mom and family, all the works. As of right now I’m teetering between sadness and anger toward him, but the worst part of everything? I’m (detail removed by moderator) weeks pregnant. He pulled me out of the shower and beat me naked (detail removed by moderator) nights ago bc he thought I was texting other men, smacked me in the fact and ripped my hair shortly after, and the next morning the hell continued until I finally was able to make an exit. He told me I was a dumb b*tch and I’m ugly and I’m only about to get uglier. That was only a few of the vulgar insults. I feel relieved in a way because I know now I am free to live a fulfilling life without constant insults, threats, walking on eggshells, but I’m scared. I am not going to go thru with this baby. He has no kids and this was a huge deal to him because he always wanted a “family” (even though he would never be able to be a good dad) , and I’m scared that he is going to come after me and my child to try to hurt us for his own pain(I have a 4 year old not from him). if he was hurt, He would always aim to hurt me worse. I know I will be judged for my decision regarding the pregnancy although I hope not, a child would give him access to destroy my life for the Rest of my life, he will ruin the child’s life and everybody else involved. I just can’t allow any innocent child get destroyed by him before they even have a chance. I feel strong now but I know his constant calling and sobbing and begging will start up again today and it makes it hard but I can’t do this anymore.

[godschild]

Hi, so sorry to hear this, to beat you naked when pregnant is abysmal utterly abysmal. Does he know are you in a safe place now. They do try to suck you back in but if he has assaulted dou so badly then its best to stay away permanentely this itme.
I know a lot of the ladies on here have gone thro a lot of emotions when leaving, its hard but he wont get better if he has physically hurt you.
A lot of the ladies go no contact on here as well, can you ignore his calls or change your number so he cannot reach you and ask family not to pass anything onto you that he says to them, then he has no chance of trying to win you round. take care keep posting a lot of ladies will have support for you in this situation on here, do you have support of Womens Aid have you called the helpline they are very good xxxx

[Lisa]

Dear Mbella,

You are so brave for leaving, it can take survivors a lot of tries to leave due to the perpetrators manipulation. Remind yourself why you left, keep strong and take advantage of all the support available to you.

godschild is right, if you feel ready to no contact is the best way to go. If the perpetrator cannot get to their abuser, you will be protected from his games.

You can call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, they are available 24/7 and are there to listen.

I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Mbella]

The endless calls and desperate attempts to contact me have begun. I’m starting to feel guilty and that pang of longing for the family that we were suppose to start. The offer got accepted on the house and I’m just sick to my stomach. It was exactly what I wanted, the house, the baby along with my little one, a man there. I’m just trying to focus on why I’m doing what I’m doing but I’m already feeling that sick feeling of sadness.

[Anonymous]

Hi Mbella, You are so amazingly brave to have done this for your children and for you. You are giving them a start free from witnessing abuse and feeling that fear of mummy getting hurt and that has to be priceless. I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad but Godshchild and Lisa are right sometimes no contact is the way to go, it will get easier but it is going to take time. All your children need is you to be happy and safe and they will feel that too x

[Author]

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