Scared

[Ladybird]

Hi,

I just spoke to someone at a refuge. It’s a huge step for me, I’m scared sick at the thought of leaving although I know it’s the right decision for me.
My situation is quite different in that I live with my parents and there’s a lot of emotional/psychological abuse going on. I’ve had enough of the control.

I was asked my father’s name and DOB.. I feel really worried they’ll contact him or inform the police. I don’t want to press charges. 🙁 I would be in a terrible state if they did that. Can anyone tell me what’s likely to happen please?

Thank you for reading.

[Ayanna]

Do not worry, leave.

I was abused badly by my both parents.
In those days my mother’s emotional abuse would not count.
My father caused me a brain concussion. I was bruised all over my body for most days of my young life.
I was unable to go to the police. I just could not. This is the problem with parents.
But I had days in my life when I deeply regretted that I never reported him. I even had a friend who would have gone to the police with me. I am not sure whether they would have taken me seriously in those days. Probably nothing would have happened.
Nowadays this is different. He will face consequences. Only, with parents this is harder than with any other person. I do not think anybody will force you. They have to consider your state of mind and what this does to you.

Get yourself to safety and take it from there. Put yourself first. Your life is most important.
Take the chance to build your life afresh, free from abuse. x*x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Ladybird, I can empathise having extremely abusive parents as well. Unfortunately I escaped into the arms of my abusive husband instead. You’ve taken a really brave step to get free. Policies vary across counties regarding reporting abuse to the police but I would think it unlikely and even if they did it would be your choice whether to press charges. The trouble with leaving controlling relationships is that we can easily feel controlled by those attempting to help us which is the last thing we need. I really hope the refuge staff give you the support you need. Good luck x*x

[Ladybird]

Thank you Ayanna and Peaceful Pig, you’ve put my heart at rest. I feel more guilty knowing that there have been loads of good times over the years and he made sure I went to the best private schools. I can’t ignore the bad bits though. 🙁

[Ayanna]

At least you got a good education.

That is a great foundation for your future.

But do not feel guilty for this. Parents have a duty to provide education for their children. He only did his duty. Nothing to be overly thankful for.

My parents would not give me any good education. I had to study later in life when I was able to afford it. They were rubbish in everything. But they still had me in their grip.
Be stronger than me! Do not be like me!

You have the advantage that you can achieve lots. Grab this opportunity and achieve! We need achieving women who put an end to male violence! You have been through it, you know all about it. You are in the best position to change the world. x*x

[anna]

hi ladybird, i have left an abusive relationship with my mum and you are being very brave particularly as you live with your dad. I am married but it has still taken me years to break free. only just today have i got the courage to close my email account that my family still send abusive email to. I have been so conditioned to obey and be the dutiful daughter that I find it hard to realise I dont have to respond to things they send me but just ignore.
I know the reason I worry about my siblings and mum sending me nonsense is not so much because i feel guilty its because i feel if i stand up for my basic human rights not to be abused they would hurt me. sadly my husband feels just as anxious when i told him i would no longer take aggressive phone calls from my sister he thought i should speak to her a bit so as not to antagonise her! So his attitude was it was safer to be abused on the phone than risk her coming to see me in person. He states that it was only that I would be upset if she came but really we both have visions of a torch weilding mob!!! ( very unlikely to happen, just where fear takes you)
Anyway the point of my previous paragraph was to let you know you are not alone in feeling frightened. But the good thing is you can take steps to look after yourself emotionally and physically if need be and
break free. And each time you make healthy informed choices to look after yourself you feel more empowered and confident.
For instance one of my healthy/empowered choices now are never to meet up with any of my siblings in their homes as they were abused also and do my mums bidding so that would be an unsafe thing for me to do at least emotionally in case they told her i was there plus they are mean to me also.
My husband sorts through any mail i get and any phone messages anything off my family gets binned and he does not inform me. This helps stop me feeling frightened,upset/angry or worried.
I am doing other things too. all feel scary but not as scary as staying in an abusive relationship with my mum!
You will be okay. The forum is here for you and you will get through this and out the other end. Take care

[Author]

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