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The darkness comes early again.
The garden window is large and there is no light in the back gardens apart from mine. It gets pitch dark there. The neighbours have no lights far and wide. The huge trees suddenly look freaky in the dark and strange noises from animals freak me out.
I pull the curtains and stay away from the window. I turn on the TV loud to numb my anxiety.
When this happens I regret that I moved in here.
Why did I not choose a normal flat on a first or second floor with an alarm system at the entrance and video surveillance? Someone has told me that when I looked for a place but I did not listen. I wanted a garden in a remote place and was convinced it would keep me sane.We had burglars here, who climbed over the fences and broke into the houses.
I am sick with anxiety right now.
By the morning it will be gone and it will return when the darkness falls again. -
Some charities fit security lights free for victims of crime. Try speaking to victim support when you can. A few changes might make all the difference. You are right about the darker evenings. I’m a little freaked tonight. Just because he’s been in touch recently via solicitor. It brings on anxiety. I tell myself if he comes near me he risks jail. And now everyone knows he’s a nasty wife b****r, he’s not so brave❤️
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I know when i get my own place sorted i going tobe a wreck . I will be chatting to wa to give me advice on panic alarms . My home will be like fort knocks .. all because my abuser scared me . I know when my family went on holiday i was left alone . I made sure i was so safe . Even slept with a knife under my pillow.. its the worst anxiety ever living in fear
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It does get easier. I moved the wheelie bins under the upstairs window to break my fall. No way was I being trapped in a room with him ever again. I carry a personal alarm too. Do whatever makes you feel better X I really belive speaking out is a way of keeping safe. The more people know about him, the less likely he is to try anything. They are cowards underneath.
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Hiya Ayanna
I hope you’re feeling better today , I just want you to know that living in in this apartment is not great at all , there are lots of men as neighbours who come in and out at all times of the day and night shouting swearing and selling drugs
One time I spoke to one of the guys that sells drugs he was downstairs outside my window being real loud using nasty foul language and when I told him he was disturbing me just spewed more abuse at me.
I have to standby the door and listen untill there’s no one on the stairs so I can go out . As one guy was drunk asking me about x*x
I don’t ever leave the apartment in the evening I sometimes feel like I am in my own prison . So I think there are pros and cons to both
I long to have a garden and to move from all these rough men around me
Make sure you are safe as you can with your home security and sleep with your phone right where you can pick it up .
Big hugs x*x -
I live in a housing association new build block of flats. There are only three flats but we are next to a pub and I can here and see all the seedy stuff that goes on in the pub. It would be very easy for who eve is in the pub garden to climb the pub wall and get onto the flat roof outside my window. I always keep that one shut and locked. No alarm. No video entry system. I or my neighbour have to buzz people in twice and I can lock out my window and see who it is before I buzz them in a second time. Even the post man has to be buzzed in.
I have some comfort in knowing that he would have to get through 3 very solid doors before getting into my flat….if he knew where I lived which I don’t think he does.
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So true about what it’s like moving into a new, unfamiliar place. I was convinced that there was someone in the house at night for months. Its dark here too. It didn’t help when a drunk was trying to break the door in at midnight until he realised he wasn’t quite home yet. Eventually the sounds and smells become familiar. What helped me was changing the locks and fitting bolts etc. I spent quite a bit of time looking at the security of the place and plotting my escapes. But even to this day I am watchful but I know that’s just me and I’d rather be this way than forget. x
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I don’t like airing this place either! People used to tell me to open the windows, the place was smelling. Yet something in me urged me not to. It just goes against the grain. We want to seal ourselves in. I used to think about a double door, so that if one got broken into there would be a second one (which turns out to be a really bad idea in case of fire). I changed the front door for one without windows etc. Even though I am surrounded by neighbours I feel extremely isolated. It will help if you do what you can to improve the security and have a plan for whatever eventuality. After a while when nothing has occurred you may start to feel safe. The abuser seems so powerful and they have wanted us to feel vulnerable that we lose our self-belief and our voice and a sense of our own physical capability to act to keep ourselves safe. Nevertheless, because of the dangers of an abusive person we can’t dismiss our fear or underestimate the risk. They abuse us and then when we become anxious they tell us we are overreacting (because they are the calm one in control). Because it is dark here, some people have those powerful wall lights that literally light up the place. Also what about lights that get triggered by movement outside? Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling like this. xx
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As I said I have lights on the property where I live but my neighbours have none and the gardens are pitchdark at night.
I rent privately and every change needs to be approved by my landlord. I did not tell him that I fled domestic abuse because he would never have accepted me. Abused women are not accepted in the private housing market. If I tell him now I risk becoming homeless.
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