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I have been in a woman’s aid refuge for three nights now. I feel weak because all I want is to go back I love him still. He was so violent towards me he broke my ribs and ruptured my eardrum, I’ve been spat at punched stripped naked and whipped. Yet Miss his loving side I know it’s crazy. He has served (detail removed by moderator) in prison all for domestic violence I didn’t know this till it was too late and I feel brain washed. I can’t talk to noone about this because they think am crazy maybe I am? I am sat in refuge with nothing am all I can think about is him my emotions are all over the place. He pushed me so far to the edge accusations all the time grabbing me between my legs saying this is mine till I say so. Then why do I love him so much still
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Well done for getting out, you’ve gone through some awful things, and I imagine it must be very frightening right now. Look up trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse. That will help to explain what’s behind your feeling as if you need his comfort. It’s basically something he’s trained into you with his abuse.
The people at WA and the refuge won’t think you’re crazy at all, they will understand entirely. Please talk to them and keep posting and reading here, there’s lots of incredibly wise and strong ladies on the forum who’ll be along to offer their support. We’re always here to listen too.
By the way, your post may get edited a little by the moderator, to remove anything that could identify you. It’s only done to keep you safe. -
Hello there Couldtakenomore,
Well done for making it to refuge. You have shown great courage.
I was in refuge also – and remember the early days. It is understandable to feel mixed emotions, I’m sure most of us have felt confused and scared at times. I know I have and still sometimes do.The abuse was not your fault and so sorry you suffered this.
Try to take baby steps, see if you can speak to your support worker. Try to get some sleep and eat something. If you can sit and watch telly with the other women or something – and try to reach out a bit if you can for some companionship.
thinking of you
all best
ftc
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Thank you I feel so alone and he pushed me so far I tried to take me life twice last yr. I feel so guilty because I went police. How can I love and fear someone so much. I was it all to just end Ive lost four stone since September can’t sleep and having flash backs to the whipping and punching. He even threw a full time of brown paint all over me when I was naked I just wanna scream and end it all.
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Google trauma bonding. It’s a kind of brain washing that traps us with our abuser. It’s like a drug addiction. It will be hard to break free in the beginning but with no contact it will get easier. You’re not crazy. You’ve been abused. No amount of loving him will stop him harming you. It’s time to look after yourself because he won’t.
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Hi couldn’ttakenomore, well done on getting away from him. Refuge will give you breathing space from him, his words, his affections, his threats. Definately look up trauma bonding and FOG (fear,obligation, guilt). Trauma bonding is similar to Stockholm syndrome. You are not crazy, he is guilty of crazy making, that can get him another jail sentence. Nowadays we don’t need to prove they’ve abused is,with the help of WA you’ll be free of his brainwashing. Most of our oh’s have treated us as sex toys, there for their own gratification. Chemicals are released in that they make us feel good during sex, even though the type of sex isn’t something we’d normally do. They then believe we love it and continue telling is we love it, even though we don’t. It’s very confusing but we can eventually break free from his reality and live in our own again. It’s baby steps every bl..dy day, but it will be worth it.
IWMB 💕💕 -
Just read up on trauma building. Why did I fall for this keep asking myself what did I do to deserve this.ive losty home job and life. (detail removed by moderator)
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Hi There,
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.
None of this is your fault. You haven’t done anything to deserve this. He chooses to be abusive and he chooses to be violent towards you. Abusive men have no respect for women and have issues around power and control.
The fact you have gone to refuge is amazing. Its a big step and you are stronger than you think. Reach out for support in the refuge if you can.
As mentioned if you are feeling low you can call the Samaritans on 116 123.
You can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They are available 24/7. Calls are answered by trained female support workers. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk things through.
Take care and keep posting
Best Wishes,
Lisa
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You did absolutely nothing to deserve this my love, it’s everything to do with his beliefs, upbringing unfortunately. Hold onto us, this forum is a lifeline for so many of us, the deep feelings of worthlessness will pass, when, I can’t say as it’s different to everyone. Keep posting and reading others posts. Knowledge is power as they say. The more you learn the stronger you will get. You have a secret weapon now too,,,US.
Be safe, get an emergency appointment with your Dr, phone Samaritans as previously mentioned. You are worth being away from him, let us help you.
IWMB 💕💕 -
Darling, know that you did nothing to deserve this. With your injuries, weight loss, distress, job loss and life disruption, you’ve paid – and are still paying – a terrible price for innocently falling for a man who is essentially from a distant galaxy, operating by brutal rules that are not even human.
Where you are now, essentially, is in the place where you were thrown, broken, from a nightmare roller coaster ride gone bad.
No wonder your head is spinning and your emotions are all over the place! Thank goodness you are at last physically safe from him. What you need now is time to heal, support and tenderness from those those around you, including yourself.
Your heart is always going to lag behind your head. Hearts are like that. Ideas and new understanding come into our heads like bolts of lightning, but feelings grow like plants, gradually. You just need to give the feelings enough time to either and die now that you know what he is. It will happen naturally, so you can’t rush it. The only thing that can mess it up is being back in contact with him on some way or other, so he can reach in and mess with your head some more.
Can you be really strong and resist the natural urge to contact him or respond to his efforts to contact you? Can you make it impossible for him to reach out to you? He was so enjoying the power he had to torture you; he won’t be wanting to let go, so it will be your job to make sure he can’t get through by blocking all the routes, including mutual friends if they want to update you.
There is lots of help on here – talk to us if you’re feeling perplexed.
Stay safe.
Flower x
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Thank you everyone I feel little better. Your kind words and support mean so much to me. He did use sex and most of the time it was rough and made me feel dirty but he’s tell me you love this. How can I love a man who treats me like this? He blamed his childhood and said he loves me so that’s why he beats me I felt special I know it crazy I just want my life back
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My oh did this too. It’s so confusing because I wasnt prudish in any way but some of the things we did were straight out of a x*x movie. It.I was ually always violent, legs pulled aoart, thrusting violently, hair wrapped in his hands, head yanked back, I’m sure we’ve all got the same scenarios in our heads, the ‘accidental’ entry into the wrong hole, then when you realise it, but you were loving it, so you must have liked it. It gives us such a rush, but even though we’re doing these things it’s hard to say no, because he is getting great pleasure from it , so because he likes it so much even though it makes us feel dirty, and this is because of our upbringing, we were brought up to please people, don’t hurt anyones feelings, we do what he enjoys. It then becomes part of our sex life, it becomes normal. Now my oh says im not the girl he married, I’m not adventurous anymore. I don’t equate sex with love anymore that’s the problem. Don’t try and make sense our of this, we are the only logical thinkers in this relationship, what his beliefs are have been ingrained into him in his developing years, the same as we were to please people. Nice girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice…
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It’s not crazy. Google oxytocin. It’s a bonding hormone that women have when bonding with a new born. That same hormone is found in domestic abuse victims. Our own hormones work against us with domestic abuse. It’s much deeper and much more complicated than you think. You did nothing wrong. He chose to act that way. Many people have traumatic childhoods but do not attack others. That’s just a smokescreen for his abusive behaviour. Hang in there. It gets easier with zero contact x
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Well done for getting yourself away from his horrendous abuse.
You now need to hang on in there tight and give yourself some Time in this safe environment rest, build yourself back up and process all you have been through. Without contact from him, you will be able , when you’ve rested , to see things much clearer and to start to think about your needs and future rather than him all consuming your thoughts. Early days, but you,ve already taken a big step forward to the abuse free future you deserve.
X x x
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