Scared and lost

[SilkyHalide]

I am so ashamed I can’t work. Been back a few weeks but im not coping. Felt great but then suddenly I can’t do it.
Feeling like he was the one who kept me going, I was afraid of this happening on my own, but then again he forced me to stay in a line of work I had lost confidence in. If I had changed direction years ago then I might be in a job I enjoy and feel successful at by now?

[Serenity]

Hi Silky,

Please don’t feel scared or ashamed. I really sympathise with you.

I have posted before about how I admired women who had kept on going with their work despite everything they were going through.

I was so traumatised, my output at work was so bad. I can’t believe they haven’t got rid of me.

Will it help you if I remind you that this is how our abusers want us to feel? That they want us to feel dependent and powerless without them?

But that underneath, they are aware of and scared by the fact that you do have what it takes, and do have the power to do ok?

This is why they spend all their time brainwashing us into thinking that we can’t cope without them and making us feel small.

My ex too tried to stop me qualifying and to do menial work.

Somehow, five years ago or so, I found the will to retrain. Is there any way that you can change course in your work? It’s never too late. Nothing is eyond your reach. I was up all night writing essays. I studied whilst working. It was exhausting, but because of this I am much freer now. And, until then, remember that your job pays for the bills and is security. But you have the power to change direction.

“You are more powerful than you know, and they fear the day that you discover it.”

[SilkyHalide]

I feel like work is the last thing left. I’ve lost everything else. I told myself I was relaxed about it and I didn’t mind starting again and earning less but it’s scaring me now and I was thinking I was stronger.

[godschild]

Hi ,So sorry you are feeling like this sending you a hug x*x

[Starmoon]

You are strong. The fear is a natural feeling. We are so used to not being allowed to feel anything.
Allow yourself to feel things and give yourself credit for putting yourself back out there. I gave up work because of him and the situations I was in… I wish id have held on to it

[Healthyarchive]

Dear SH, i agree with what Serenity has said. The brainwashing, manipulation & mind games you have during the relationship makes you believe things that are not factual. I truly believed my ex was such an amazing person, almost god like, it was unreal. I put him on an extremely high pedestal. I knew at the time that the reality was very different, he was average even below average with nothing great about him. I see now, i’m out for a while and over the trauma bonding, I see it very differently. He cleverly directed my thoughts and my pysche to put himself in this position in my eyes. And he was good at it, subtle but devious and skilled in psychological warfare.

[Author]

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