Scared, anxious , doubting myself – no relief

[searchingforhope]

My head is ready to actually explode. Literally millions of thoughts racing through my mind.
I’ve such wonderful support, both on here and in my day to day life, but I feel I can’t speak to them, I’m like a broken record. Stuck and can’t move forward.
My social worker was so helpful yesterday, helping try settle me and advising me to just right a letter and tell him it is over.
He isn’t living at home now with a number of months, but has given me no peace, no space. I feel under such pressure. He has promised everything he can to work on things and make things better. But I just don’t want him.
Why do I struggle so much to put myself first? Now I’m doubting myself again, have I escalated this to something that it isn’t. It’s been emotional and coercive and one episode of sexual abuse. So it’s so hard to explain.
It’s like he is living in my head and I can’t get him out. Everything logical thought or suggestion I have or suggested to me by others, my automatic go to is . . .but he will say this or he will do that.

i’m mentally and physically exhausted from this. I can’t keep living like this, it’s not good for me or my kids.

[Watersprite]

Heyy oh goodness this is hard for you – leaving abuse is so tough. When I was where you were reading up on trauma bonding helped me so much. Leaning on services helped too. It’s time to be ruled by how you want your life and your kids life to look like not his untrustworthy verbal salad that he uses to confuse and hide his abuse. Imagine how good it could feel to be in charge of your own decisions and direction. Leaving abuse is a journey take small steps so you feel less overwhelmed you are moving in the direction that is healthy for you and your children. So hard – keep reading up and you are not alone this is part of the journey x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi SFH,

You feel like your head will explode as he is still bombarding you, you need time to heal, process the past and the future you had probably spoken about.

I removed my wedding rings, he was still around back then and he was desperately clinging on, I sent properties for him to look at, I gave it a few weeks and said not to come over or phone for X amount of weeks. I went to see my GP as like you I felt I was going to explode.. I cried so hard when I told her, a real release of tears, she also helped me to get to a place of that’s it we are over and there’s no going back.

He will be promising you the earth, all of it is lies. Wouldn’t he be respecting your decisions and boundaries right now if he was genuine? He would’ve done courses and not even told you because he would have done it to better himself for him, he would give you that space you had asked for. He abused you, you tried everything, non of it was down to you and that’swhy he won’t change as he is an abuser.and will do it again. Mine did a poor imitation of a changed man… he claimed he went to counselling and tried to shoe me what he had done and how much he had changed… even said I should come to a session to see for myself how he had changed.

You said it yourself, You just do not want him. It is irrelevant what he is saying about his wants, his needs, he is not in control anymore and he knows that so he is being desperate, you are in control when you are ready and it will come out and you will say those words (or write or whatever) and you will slowly start to feel better, stronger and in control of your own life.
❤️ you are stronger than you realise, you have got this and you are so close to making that leap sweetie

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for your replies. I really appreciate them.
I don’t feel strong. I feel deflated and confused now.
I don’t feel in control of my life or decisions. As everything I try to make a decision on, my first thing to think is, but if I do X, his reaction will be Y.

My head is wrecked completely.
Stupid narky comment in a message again (detail removed by moderator) when I was “Checking” with him about (detail removed by moderator), as he has previously got angry / agitated with me for making such simple decisions without consulting him

No matter what I do I can’t do right.

[Author]

Posts