Scared of being alone

[Mime]

So I’ve ended the relationship at last, and I felt huge relief, alongside sadness, guilt, and fear.

He’s still in the house and I’ve moved into the spare room, and I’m pretty sure he will actually go – he’s sorting out somewhere to live and things and we’re completely separate now – we don’t talk to each other and avoid being in the same space – we’re like 2 housemates that don’t get on and never see each other.

Now it feels real I’m scared of living on my own. I feel too old to look for another relationship, and besides I’m too afraid of being abused again. Its been pure hell and I thought I was going mad many many times. But I feel lonely – even more than I was before, and I’ve started to miss stupid little things about him. I’m afraid of a life on my own.

I won’t change my mind though, I cant go through anymore of what he’s put me through. But I wish I didn’t feel like this.

[Ariadne]

Hi @Mime,

You’ve been so brave in ending the relationship when you know it wasn’t serving you! It must be a really confusing time still, with living with him and having such a change in your life.
It’s completely normal that you’re feeling like that. It’s your attachment wound acting up, your brain trying to protect you by not letting the familiar go away. But you have to retrain it again, and you can. You seem to already know exactly what you want.
So don’t lose faith in yourself and take care of yourself <3

[Mime]

Thank you for your kind words Ariadne- it helped me stay grounded.
He’s said he’s moving out, but I can’t ask him what plans he’s made because firstly I don’t think he’ll be honest, and secondly he’s more likely to stay longer if he thinks I’m pressuring him. Im worried he won’t leave at all.

We’re living separate lives now, and the feeling of relief is amazing – but when I’m in the house with him I feel anxious and afraid.

He’s started being nicer to me and he’s apologised more to me since I told him it was over than he has in our entire relationship. Before he would never apologise because everything was my fault.

Its hard to take him being nice – I feel he’s manipulating me, and also it shows he can be nice, which makes me think about how deliberate and planned his cruelty was before.

Thank you again for replying – I’m at a low ebb and hoping to find some strength here, which you gave me. Xx

[Author]

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