26th May 2021 at 7:11 am #126342greenfieldsParticipant
My OH has accused me of DV, locked me out and threatened to break doors if I didn’t comply. I have left and have been away for (detail removed by moderator) staying on a friends couch. He hasn’t attempted to contact me apart from to ensure that I don’t take money(detail removed by moderator). His contributions to house has been on and off and was never interested in buying a house. The debts are all in my name.
I find it so hard to get any help. I’m scared of inciting him further and it seems the law is on his side as the police have done nothing to support except say its a domestic issue.
I left the house and I see that I have been so badly damaged emotionally that I am terrified of what he will do. I think he’s been planning this for months and has had legal advice and knows his rights. I have had legal advice but I don’t understand the implications of taking action and am worried I’ll fall into his trap as I did before when he called the police on DV just because I touched him. He is a manipulator of the worst kind, he was able convince the police to caution and take me away, and each and the police have taken his side after that.
To make matters worse he has been keeping me on tenterhooks(detail removed by moderator), one day everything is fine and the next he switches and becomes angry at the smallest thing. I can see it on his face and when I say anything he says he’s fine. I tiptoe around him. I have major trust issues now and fear of authorities as I’ve never had to deal with police before.
He has a personality disorder that was diagnosed (detail removed by moderator) and what terrifies me more is that he will ask for maintenance and I will be tied to him for life. His mother thinks that I should be responsible for him for life and is encouraging him to do. None of his family have been interested in him until they realised that I have assets that he can claim. I can also see that other members of his family also have personality disorders – (detail removed by moderator)has the same thing as he does, and his mum has narcissistic traits which led to the personality disorders and is his abuser.
I want to go home, I want to collect me things and have not been back since I left. I pay the bills and mortgage and now I am homeless.
26th May 2021 at 7:27 am #126343DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful Angel… Greenfields,
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation and are not being supported by the services you should be.
Have you spoken to women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline?
You need to start to break things down so it is not so overwhelming for you?
One thing at a time. I know it sounds simple but make a list and start to work out what needs addressing now and what can wait until you are stronger.
From what you have been through you are very emotionally fragile so you need to also give yourself some self care otherwise you will not be strong enough to deal with what’s to come.
When you say you are homeless, have you contacted a refuge? Where are you staying now?
I know all this is scary and feels out of control, but facing it bit by bit will start to take away that fear and start to help you re-claim your power.
Sending you continued love and support
26th May 2021 at 2:38 pm #126363greenfieldsParticipant
I’m staying at a friends unfortunately she also has some OCD and boundary issues which feel very much some of his behaviours. Its difficult and so I stay in my space as much as I can, she doesn’t like to be disturbed and has said that I can stay as long as I don’t interrupt her work. (detail removed by moderator) to deal with. I can’t rely on her for emotional support as the last time I asked her she said when is the counselling call and to wait until I have that.
My support from the various services has been peppered as no one seems to have any plan and I keep being passed from pillar to post. The only thing that is happening is my counsellor who I have calls with once a week. I’m not sure that it’s good for me as she puts in you must feel very alone, frightened…. and it didn’t help much this and sent me on a spiral this week.
The services have said I am not high risk now as I am not in the house and closed the case. The domestic violence people have referred me to the local services and as I didn’t have somewhere permanent to stay it kept being moved as it is location based.
I have a list of things to do. The finding a solicitor and a therapist is the hardest thing as most don’t give me a decent answer as to their experience with these situations. I have someone reccommended by the support services but they are interested in getting an order against him, which he will counter act and he’ll be back in the house. I could arrange for him to rent somewhere I suppose so he is out of the house and I have the space back. I don’t know if that’s possible.
I’ve started to realise how much damage he has done to me. I can start doing something feeling confident and then get so fearful I stop and start to have a meltdown. This is what he did to me throughout the marriage and I can remember times when I was so upset by his behaviour that all I could do was to watch TV and stayed distracted from the internal upset. He’d come and make sure I stayed there by encouraging me to keep watching TV and doing nothing.
Sometimes I feel his behaviour has rubbed off on me and I’m crazy as he is.
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