Scared to move on.

[Bleedingheart]

I just need some advice on how to move forward. I’ve been free for (Detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve been thinking about dating again,but I’m just so scared. I’m determined he’s not going to ruin my life and make me live like a recluse but at the same time I’m terrified of meeting someone and them turning out to be a monster like him. Also when is a good time to discuss with a new partner that you have been abused in every way imaginable ,or am I best not saying anything at all? I don’t know if it’s easier to just stay home surrounded by box sets and stay in my safe zone! Grateful for any advice.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Bleedingheart

My recommendation would be, when you feel ready.

You might feel ready, start a relationship then realise you’re not ready. It’s all about listening to what’s right for you. You might meet someone next week and never look back! Or you might stumble here and there and issues come up.

I guess be prepared for anything. (Detail removed by Moderator) out is really very early days, so just take things at your pace and if someone is wanting to move faster then that’s not OK.

I’m not sure anyone would be ableto predict what’s right for you, but being/feeling prepared is a big part of future resilience.

Again go with what feels right when it comes to revealing your past. I think being in a new relationship with someone who feels to be going to fast would be a good time to say, slow down, just had such a rough ride and want to enjoy getting to know someone slowly. If they can’t understand or respect you time to move on.
Good luck with the moving forward.

Warmest wishes ts

[Bleedingheart]

Thank you for your response, it does sound like the best advice,I’ve got to remove expectations really and just see what happens. It’s hard to have faith in humanity as you probably know but there are good people out there. I’ve just got to keep myself safe and like you say,make sure everything is at my own pace. Again,thanks✌

[Confused123]

Hey hun

Just take things slowly , no need to tell them about your past partner , just say u want to take slowly , your know how ready u r when u start dating

[Bleedingheart]

Hi,thanks,I suppose any man who’s decent won’t have a problem with taking things slowly, time will tell……

[fizzylem]

Its natural to want to be with someone; but feeling fearful probably means you have not yet gained enough self awareness to arm and protect yourself yet, and healed as much as you can before a new relationship. We need to feel we have built resiliance, have taken in many ways from the experience, that there is no going back as a result, because the experience is behind us and strengthened us. We need to get to a point where we feel we have faith in ourselves to always make the right call – speaking hypethetically though, as I have no first hand experience just yet, as I’m still dealing with him, so I can’t really fully grow and heal yet, meaning I’m a long way off being ready to open the door – as much as I’d like someone to share life with, this life I have at the moment is not something I feel would be fair to share – when I have the life I want, and I know and feel it, then I think I will be ready. Of course it may never happen, but I am ok with that too, I can do being on my own for sure, would just be better to feel healed and love again hey.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi BH, i have felt for years that i will never let anither man in my life like my husband has been. I will,once ive escaped, learn to love me, find me again.
We are conditioned from such a young age, that we are nothing without a man by ourside. That a real man makes the decisions and takes control. When in actual fact women have been doing these things for years, making decisions and taking control of their lives. I think that once society accepts strong women as an integral part of said society that maybe then woman abuse will lessen and eventually cease to be. Men who abuse women, love a strong independent beautiful woman, they are their challenge. They want to break us, to prove to themselves that we need them, cos without them we are nothing.
Try and love yourself and find what makes you happy. Find out what you are not prepared to accept as normal behaviour from a future partner. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings, put yourself first and always first.
Blessings to you and i hope you find happiness.
IWMB 💕💕

[Bleedingheart]

Thank you fizxylem and IWMB, I’ve discovered this week that I’m 100% NOT ready to date. I set up a profile on a reputable dating site,I looked through some of the profile pictures of men that may of been absolutely lovely, but to me they all looked like mug shots of rapists. I immediately began getting ‘ winks’ and ‘favourites ‘ and 3 messages which I couldn’t even bring myself to click on and read,I was close to tears,hands shaking and my heart beating out of my chest. I felt violated and like I’d literally opened my front door with me standing there naked. Needless to say my profile was promptly deleted and I’ve learned a big lesson…….but at least I was brave enough to put myself out there,even if it was just for a few hours! I had a romantic notion of pottering around a Christmas market with a nice fella to chat to,just maybe not this Christmas after all! I’ve made plans with family and friends so I’m counting my blessings. Love to all of you and thanks for the support ✌

[Twisted Sister]

‘..all looked like mugshots of rapists’. Omg I lol’d at that. I completely understood what you meant. Hilarious!

On a more serious note, what a horrible realisation and to experience that terrible anxiety again. Last night I went on a rare outting, ran into someone from my old area that was friends with my ex. I was all over the place, trembling inside, head everywhere. I has just been thinking that I had been doing so much better, but I think it’s literally because I’ve not seen anyone!

Its obviously been quite a shocker for you, with time I’m sure you’ll feel brave enough to have another look,but take your time. Give yourself this Christmas and see what the new year brings.

Warmest wishes ts

Sorry about the hilarity, I hope it’s not out of turn, i would hate to cause upset or offence to you, I really agree though and it just struck me as such a funny image.

[Bleedingheart]

Twistedsister, absolutely not,it’s made me laugh too🤭I feel awful thinking it,cos they might be really nice but that’s just how I feel at the mo! Yeah I’m going to really enjoy this Christmas and see what the new year brings me😁I know what you mean about seeing people connected with your ex when you are out,I’m always looking over my shoulder,and I don’t know why cos I’ve done nothing wrong! Lots of love xx

[Iwantmeback]

Is it enough to live in fear
Is it enough to fear to live
When did fear rule your life
When did your life
Become full of strife

Fear to live, fear to go
The future is the future
Not ours to know

He says he’ll change
Then, its you who has to
No one should change
Just to be loved

You cry for a love lost
You cry for a future denied
A life full of tears
Deceit and fears

How did this happen?
You ask yourself
I awoke one morning
And found ‘ME’ gone

Every relationship
Has its ups and downs
That is the norm
But when fear and violence
Becomes your norm
It’s time to say
Enough is enough

[Bleedingheart]

Love this,so true,so relevant to so many.🙌

[Author]

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