7th October 2023 at 8:45 am #162200Is this really happeningParticipant
I don’t know if this is abuse so some perspective would be good.
We have security cameras on the outside of our house. I can’t really be outside without being seen, in the front or back garden. They’ve been there for (detail removed by Moderator) years. Husband knows I don’t like them being there. Only he can access the footage. I’ve asked to also have access over the years, he says yes, but it never happens.
He works from home full time and sits, like a security guard, with the camera footage open on one of his pc screens, all the time. It’s like watching live TV.
Since they’ve been there, he has occasionally commented on when I’ve gone out, how long I’ve been out, what I’m doing in the garden with the children, what I’m wearing/how I look on the cameras and what I’m carrying or what shopping I’ve done. Often when he hasn’t even been at home. Once he did this when he was abroad.
The issue I have is that the consequence of our home security is that I am constantly monitored and he notices enough to tell me what he’s seen. It’s horrible, really distressing. I literally can’t get into the house without him seeing. I’m not trying to hide anything, but I don’t want to be on show like this.
Every time I’ve said I don’t want them, he says we need them for security and I’m being paranoid. Am I? Should I be ok with this?
7th October 2023 at 12:39 pm #162206BuildmeupbuttercupParticipant
Dear Is this really happening,
What you have described is definitely abuse. You are not paranoid, your husband is trying to minimise your concerns about his behaviour. You are not wrong for not being okay with it, your husband is in the wrong.
Best wishes x
10th October 2023 at 7:32 am #162271Is this really happeningParticipant
Thank you. He is minimising it and saying I’m paranoid, but he doesn’t have to live like this. I know from the way he describes it, that he just thinks it’s the same as having a ring doorbell or similar, but it’s not the same at all.
9th October 2023 at 10:02 am #162246whiterosesParticipant
Hi – I don’t have an answer but I have a similar situation and what you are feeling is not wrong I’m sure. We have cameras on the entrances – both doors and also in the back garden (though I’ve never been sure why that one is needed). I don’t get ‘watched’ constantly, and I do have the cameras linked to my phone too, but if I go out into the garden or out the front to do anything when my husband is at work in the evenings, he will ask the next day why I had to go out there and what I was doing if it is out of the camera line. He has alerts on his phone so if he sees any movement while he is out (even if he knows I am at home) he watches the footage to see what it is. And I have often wondered if that is just me over-reacting. But then I think that when he is at home, and I know that he is, firstly – I don’t check to see if there is movement on any of the cameras like he does, and even if I noticed there was movement in the back garden, or the front door – I would just assume he was doing something in the back garden or that someone had come to the door – a delivery or something – I wouldn’t go into the footage to check what was happening? I can’t go anywhere due to childcare and he works evenings, so I am not leaving the house to go out, I’m simply popping outside to do something within our property, so why would it be anything he needs to ‘check’ if I am at home and bringing the washing in or going outside as part of play with our child? But I have to explain that I saw a ball had come over the fence and went to get it, or I went into the street with our child to see an aeroplane we could hear going over for example, or why I was in my PJs early – and it feels so ridiculous to be angry about it – because like you I’m not doing anything he should be concerned by, and I don’t mind him knowing I went out to get he washing in, but why does he need to check??? It’s such a horrible feeling. I think for me -and maybe it’s the same for you, if this was the only behaviour that seemed controlling, I could brush it off as someone who is incredibly security conscious or just more concerned than I am about such things, but it’s when it’s combined with other behaviours it all adds up and seems to magnify the feelings of being trapped somehow. Sending hugs x
10th October 2023 at 12:02 pm #162276Twisted SisterParticipant
To all writing on this thread:
This is prison. You should definitely not be feeling ‘happy’, or anything less than you do feel.
Are you tagged too?
Prisoners are not treated worse than this. Your homes are a prison where all your movements are monitored and questioned, and that’s wrong and abusive. It’s ultimate control.
You have every right to disagree with the use of camera’s around your own home.
Above all, when you feel something allow it to surface, let yourself recognise what you feel and why. You are feeling it for reasons, good reasons. You are right, your privacy should not be stolen from you.
It’s a bit dodgy filming children too, even if they are your own, they cannot consent to this, or understand that they are ‘on camera’ all the time, and could be, depending on age, doing things that would be inappropriate to have on camera, just because kids are learning about privacy and boundaries. If they grow up thinking this is normal, it’s grooming them for men filming them as adults too.
Trust yourself and your instincts, believe in yourself, no matter what someone else says. You have those feelings and that’s all that matters.
11th October 2023 at 10:26 am #162299HereforhelpParticipant
He is treating you like a prisoner… you do not have to explain anything to him and he has no right to check your movements… he also knows this… how would he respond if it was you checking up on him throughout the day, questioning why he went outside and challenging him over everyday stuff?
I am so sorry he is doing this to you and your children.
Take care and keep posting
12th October 2023 at 10:14 am #162316Snowdrop22Participant
I had exactly the same situation with my (now-ex) partner. I brought it up in couples’ counselling and he said that I was imagining it. To all of you writing on this thread identifying with this situation, please read the writing on the wall and get out now. This is not a healthy or good situation for any of you. I left our (beautiful, huge) family home and am now sharing a tiny flat with the children and I have never felt freer and more in control in my life. Take back your control before he erases your soul.
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