Seeing ex for kids

[blahblahblah]

Hello ladies
I’ve been following this forum for years and the posts gave me alot of strength and hope for the unknown.
I finally found the strength to leave after years; I have children with him.
He is currently in shared housing so cannot see them there so comes to my house to see them. Its been a number of months now but I dont know if its anxiety or what it is.. I feel uneasy about having him in my home. I always keep the door open and unlocked, phone in hand etc.
I do not want to cause a fuss when all has been ok and suggest we meet elsewhere and the kids are happy with the arrangement – I want to know if anyone has successfully managed this sort of arrangement before .. all this is so unknown
Thank you x

[itwillbeokay]

Hello. Just wanted to reply and say I completely understand how you feel. I left (detail removed by moderator) months ago, two very young children. I want them to see their Dad but so far it involves me driving all the way to where we used to live and either spending the time together as a foursome in the park or on the beach or whatever or I leave them with him and spend the time wandering round somewhere worried and sad and broken. Neither are fun atall. If I see him I feel sad and grief stricken for what could’ve been and if I’m not there I feel sad and anxious and alone. It really does suck. We are early days and he has just left our family home which was rented and is now living with his parents so a similar situation to you. He talks of getting his own place to our oldest and how he will have “two homes”. I don’t know how things will end up. But what I do know is it sets me back hugely whenever I have a visit coming up. I do it for our children and for their Dad so they have a relationship but the person who suffers is me. I don’t have an answer yet but I wanted you to know you’re not alone and it’s hard. I didn’t go back to our house after I left because I was nervous, due to his behaviour towards me. It’s hard. I hope you find a way to make things work better for you. I only see him “in the community”, advice from Women’s Aid. He doesn’t know our new address and will never come here. This is a man who I thought I loved and adored for (detail removed by moderator). It’s heartbreaking especially when our eldest asks when Daddy is coming to our new house (it’s a flat).

Big hugs x*x

[fizzylem]

Is there an end in sight? Is he trying to get his own place?
Its perfectly natural for you to be feeling like this, I mean your doing it for the children, but it’s not working for you.

I admire people that can get through this and remain civil and put the kids at the centre of things, but I also understand first hand that sometimes it’s simply not possible to do anything else other than put him out.

Is there any family that could help him out? Could he have the children there? Might be nice for the grand parents? Maybe he needs to have the children in his shared accomodation so that getting a home sorted out for them all becomes a priority to him?

It’s a tough one for sure, but ultimately you know and feel it cant go on like this forever hey, and would like to know when it will change.

[blahblahblah]

I would like to thank you both for your replies. it really does help to know that I am understood as nobody I know has ever had to deal with someone like my ex.
Something flared up which has caused me to react by telling him that he cannot see them at my house anymore and that if he wants to see them as badly as he says he does that he will make alternative arrangements .
I’m just sick of being controlled ; its what I wanted to get away from but I don’t see an end in sight.. I have really bad anxiety as I dont trust him and know that he will be scorned as he is losing his control over me . I think I’m going to try counselling ; really need to start airing my feelings to somebody impartial rather than family and friends as they don’t have any helpful advice. This forum is a godsend xx

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid. They can be really helpful with practical issues and also help source counselling that is suitable. Trust your gut. This is the most dangerous time for a woman when he loses control. My ex attacked me in our house and I just didn’t see it coming. I’d minimised that abuse for years. Given in to him out of fear but when I would not back down on ending our relationship he totally lost it. Red mist. Never underestimate them and do not be alone with him. Ever. Your gut is telling you it’s not safe. Trust your gut. If he wants access then he will sort something out. Sounds like he just wants to keep control of you and perhaps manipulate his way back in. Consider using a solicitor to get something concrete in place so he cannot use the children. Keep all evidence of his behaviour. Document everything.

[blahblahblah]

Thanks for your reply KIP. I didn’t gave a good experience with women’s aid; the person I was assigned rarely got back to me and wanted to sign me off asap . I text her regarding counselling and didn’t get a reply which made me feel like I mustn’t be worthy . I do understand that they are very busy though . things have gotten much worse , I asserted my authority said he could see kids anywhere else but my house said he had no money , transport etc we argued and now he has taken an overdose over the last few days , went to hospital to be assessed tried to hang himself the works . I can’t believe he is acting like this he text saying to tell the kids he loved them etc I’ve had enough of all he is putting me through. I think if he is successful I’m going to have to pick up the pieces and feel guilty although I know I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for . it’s just awful xx

[KIP.]

Hi there. Sorry to hear this. Remember he is not your responsibility and suicide and threats of suicide are often just another control tactic. Please try Women’s Aid again and ask for their support. Speak to your GP about counselling for yourself. You need to protect yourself. Ring Rights for Women about getting a restraining order. He sounds very unstable and these men are dangerous when they lose control. Protect yourself and your children and trust your gut. You were right to be anxious around this man. Do not feel sorry for him. Guilt is another form of control they use. It was a simple and very reasonable request for him not to be in your home. Just shows the lengths he will go to for control. Hang in there. Keep posting. Try the helpline on here again.

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